


Elizabeth and Philip: The Musical

by Ice_Queen784



Category: The Crown (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a song, F/M, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 05:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 71,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10564239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Queen784/pseuds/Ice_Queen784
Summary: A series of Elizabeth and Philip one shots based off songs.





	1. Make Me (Cry)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fanfiction ever. I hear songs all the time that remind me of this show so I thought, why not try to make fanfictions out of them? I hope you like it! :)
> 
> Based off Make Me (Cry) by Noah Cyrus ft Labrinth

 

**Make Me Cry**

**Elizabeth’s POV**

_I never needed you like I do right now_

_I never needed you like I do right now_

_I never hated you like I do right now_

_‘Cause all you ever do is make me_

 

Philip and I stood on opposite sides of the doorway to my bedroom, glaring at each other.

 

“Would you care to explain what you’re always out doing with Porchey?” Philip finally spat after what seemed like an eternity. He came home drunk this morning, as usual, and I’d had enough. I questioned where he’d been last night and where exactly it is that he and Mike are always running off to.

 

“None of your business.” He’d replied back bitterly. We’d been glaring at each other in silence until he questioned my relationship with Porchey.

 

“Nothing.” I replied back, raising my voice.  “I’ve already told you, Porchey and I are just friends.”

 

“Bullshit.” Philip yelled. “You’ve been sleeping with him.”

 

“How dare you!” I screamed, angry and hurt by the accusation. “I’ve told you before, the only person I have ever loved is you!”

 

“That’s not true. I know you loved him once.” His voice lowered and his stone cold glare rested on the floor.

 

“But not like I love you.”

 

Philip didn’t respond, just stormed away. That’s how all our arguments ended. I started to go after him, but stopped. Instead, I sunk to the floor and began to cry.

 

“I hate you.” I whispered, half wishing he could hear me, half glad he couldn’t. “I need you.”

 

_Gave you up ‘bout 21 times_

_Felt those lips tell me 21 lies_

_You’ll be the death of me_

_Sage advice_

_Lovin’ you could make Jesus cry_

 

I flashed back to our countless fights. All the times I told myself I was done with him. But every time I realized I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t leave him. I needed him too much. I loved him too much. Even when I hated him the most, when he came home the drunkest, said the meanest things, I kept going back to happier times in my mind, when we were first married. Before I became queen. I always convinced myself that someday, somehow, we’d get back to those times.

 

I can’t truly forgive him for what he’s done, though. For all the times he’s lied to me. All the times he’s broken my heart. Every time he says that what he’s out doing with Mike is perfectly innocent, I know he’s lying. If it was really so innocent, he wouldn’t come home so drunk. He wouldn’t act so guilty, standing at my door, whispering to get my attention. He’s probably out cheating on me. I can’t give him all the time and all the things he wants, so he finds someone who can, to temporarily replace me with, before he comes back home to start another fight.

 

I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, but I don’t know how to leave him. Is divorce even an option for us? Probably not. Even if it is, it’s not what I want. I pray to God it’s not what he wants either. I desperately want to work things out. Deep down, he must want that too.

 

Why has becoming the queen made everything so hard?

 

_When I hear you sayin’ Darling_

_Your kiss is like an antidote_

_I’m fighting like I’m Ali_

_But you got me on the ropes_

 

We still have moments of happiness, even if they are brief. Like when I make my way back to my bedroom after an audience with the Prime Minister to find Philip there. Not out with Mike, but here, waiting for me with a smile.

 

“Hello, darling.” he says. He walks towards me and kisses me, with a kiss that usually leads to closing the door and making love.

 

It’s moments like those that give me hope that all is not lost. That our marriage can survive. But they’re getting harder to find. Everyday our marriage becomes more and more like a battle. And I’m never sure who’s winning.

 

In the end, it’s a battle no one can win, I guess. Because the harder I fight, the harder I cry.

 

**Philip’s POV**

_I never needed you like I do right now_

_I never needed you like I do right now_

_I never hated you like I do right now_

_‘Cause all you ever do is make me_

 

I stormed away from Elizabeth’s room and back to my own. I slammed the door and sat down on my bed.

 

What happened to us? We used to be happy together. We hardly ever fought. We never lied to each other. We used to love each other.

 

Then she became the queen. I don’t understand why everything had to change. Not that I didn’t expect anything to change, but I didn’t think it would be like this. I don’t even know who she is anymore. Certainly not my Lilibet. She died a long time ago, and she’s been replaced by someone who looks like her, but can’t be her. Lilibet would never have hurt me like this. I don’t know who this woman is, but I hate her.

 

Except I don’t hate her. I can’t hate her. I need her too much.

 

_Couldn’t hear the thunder, but I heard your heart race_

_Couldn’t see the rain, we’re too busy makin’ hurricanes_

_Love ain’t easy when it ain’t my way_

_But it gets hard, when you ain’t here makin’ me crazy_

 

I closed my eyes and my mind went back to a fight we had a few weeks ago. We were at the horse stables. Elizabeth and Porchey were discussing their horses, something about an upcoming race. We were all inside the stables because it was raining. I wasn’t quite sure what they were talking about and I didn’t care. The conversation itself wasn’t what I was focused on. All I could see was the way they looked at each other, the way they were acting. They looked like a couple of flirting teenagers to me. I felt myself burning with jealousy.

 

By the time Porchey left, the rain had turned into a full blown storm. Elizabeth started to head for the car, but I grabbed her arm and turned her around to face me.

 

“What the hell was that?” I shouted.

 

“What?” She asked, looking confused.

 

“Don’t even try to act all innocent, you know exactly what I’m talking about.” I spat back.

 

“God, Philip, is this about Porchey again?” She rolled her eyes.

 

“I saw the way you were acting. Why can’t you just own up to it?”

 

“Because I have nothing to own up to!” she screamed. “Porchey and I are just friends!”

 

“I don’t want you to talk to him anymore. I don’t trust him.” I paused. “I don’t trust you.” I added quieter.

 

“You want me to stop talking to my best friend since childhood because you’re delusional enough to think I would cheat on you?” she retorted, her voice full of contempt.

I lost it. Suddenly we were screaming at each other, accusing each other, calling each other names.

 

“Why do you get so damn mad at me?” she finally asked.

 

“Because you’re a slag.”

 

She looked at me like I’d punched her in the face and the tears that had been welling up in her eyes spilled over. She turned and ran away.

 

I opened my eyes. I felt bad about calling her a slag, but was I wrong? She and Porchey couldn’t possibly just be friends. Then again, did I have any room to talk?

Even if she is sleeping with Porchey, it’s not like I’m going anywhere. I couldn’t survive without her. I love her too much.

 

_Baby, say the word, darlin’_

_You know just how to hold a sucker down_

_So I’ll see you in the morning_

_I can’t watch you walk out_

 

No matter what she does to me, lies to me, yells at me, throws shit at me, I can’t leave. No matter what she takes away from me, my name, my home, my career, my pride, I can’t leave. Lilibet had me wrapped around her finger from the moment I met her, and this “Queen Elizabeth” woman does too.

 

I’ll admit I’ve thought about divorce, but I doubt we would be allowed to. Even if we were allowed to, I couldn’t do it. I can’t leave her. I can’t let her leave me.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV**

_I never needed you like I do right now_

 

I’m so frustrated, so mad at Philip. But I want to run to him. I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me he loves me. I want to tell him I love him too. And I want everything to be okay again.

 

**Philip’s POV**

_I never needed you like I do right now_

_I never hated you like I do right now_

 

As much as I want to run to her, I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want her to see me cry. Although the part of me that hates her wants her to know how much she’s hurt me, the part that loves her knows that would only make things worse. I’ve hurt her enough.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV**

_‘Cause all you ever do is make me cry_

 

I can’t handle this. The only thing I can do is cry. So I cry, and cry, and cry. I cry until I run out of tears. Then I cry some more. 

 

**Philip’s POV**

_Hear the thunder, see the rain_

 

The sadness turns to anger. I get up and walk over to my dresser, where I hide a bottle of liquor Elizabeth doesn’t know I have. I take a drink and throw the bottle across the room. It breaks into a million tiny pieces.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV**

_Keep on makin’ me cry_

 

I pick up a vase of flowers from the table. I throw the flowers on the floor and the vase across the room. It hits a picture of Philip and me from several years ago and knocks it to the floor.

 

**Philip’s POV**

_Keep makin’ me scream and holler_

 

“I hate you!” I scream at the top of my lungs. She can probably hear me, but I don’t care.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV**

_Keep on makin’ me cry_

 

I run across the room and grab the picture frame. The glass is broken. I take the picture out of it and almost rip it in half, but I hold it to my face and cry into it instead.

 

**Philip’s POV**

_You don’t know what you do to me_

 

I throw myself back on my bed and cry some more. I wonder if she knows how crazy she makes me. I wonder if I make her this crazy too? I finally get up. I need her. I need her in my arms right now.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV**

_I never needed you like I do right now_

 

Suddenly, I hear the door open. I feel a hand on my arm. I look up and see Philip. He takes me in his arms.

 

“I need you.” I cry into his chest.

 

**Philip’s POV**

_I never needed you like I do right now_

 

“I need you too.” I say. I kiss her hair and hold her tighter. I’m never letting go again.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV**

_I never hated you like I do right now_

 

“Part of me hates you and part of me loves you.” I tell him. “But the part that loves you will always win.” I wrap my arms around him and hold on as tight as I can. “I love you so much.”

 

**Philip’s POV**

_‘Cause all you ever do is make me_

 

“I love you too.” I say, letting tears fall from my eyes again. I’ve never meant four words more.


	2. Million Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Million Reasons by Lady Gaga

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This one is just Elizabeth's POV)

 

**Million Reasons**

_ You’re giving me a million reasons to let you go _

_ You’re giving me a million reasons to quit the show _

_ You’re givin’ me a million reasons _

_ Give me a million reasons _

_ Givin’ me a million reasons _

_ About a million reasons  _

 

I stand by the window, staring out sadly. I hear Philip’s car pulling up. When he gets out, I go to bed and pretend to be asleep. A few minutes later, I hear footsteps outside my door.

 

“Lilibet,” Philip whispers drunkenly. As usual, I don’t react. If he asked for my affection when he was sober, he might get it. 

 

I wish I could just leave him. I wish I could kick his sorry, drunk, cheating ass to the curb and move on with my life. But I can’t. I keep desperately trying to find a reason to stay with him. I know he won’t give me one, but I love him too much to give up hope.

 

_ If I had a highway I would run for the hills _

_ If you could find a dry way, I’d forever be still _

_ But you’re giving me a million reasons _

_ Give me a million reasons _

_ Givin’ me a million reasons _

_ About a million reasons _

 

I have a million reasons why I should leave Philip. He goes out with Mike every night and comes home totally pissed. I’m pretty sure he’s cheating on me. I don’t have real proof, but I don’t need it. His apathy towards me says it all. 

 

If he could just go back to the way he was before I became Queen, everything would be okay. That’s the husband I need him to be. I need him to be here to love and support me. But he stopped acting like a real husband the moment I needed him to act like one the most. 

 

I wish I could do something to bring the old Philip back. I can’t handle the pressure of being Queen without him and he refuses to be there for me. 

 

_ I bow down to pray _

_ I try to make the worst seem better _

_ Lord, show me the way _

_ To cut through all this worn out leather _

_ I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away _

_ But baby, I just need one good one to stay _

 

As soon as I’m sure Philip is gone, I get out of bed. I kneel beside my bed to pray. I haven’t done this in a long time. I pray to God for him to either show Philip the way back to me or to show me the way out of this marriage; preferably the former. I get up and sit on the edge of my bed and cry.

 

Philip should be here holding me. Actually, I shouldn’t be crying at all, because he never should’ve given me a reason to. He never should’ve hurt me. But he did, and now I don’t know what to do about it. 

 

_ Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare _

_ It’s like that I’ve stopped breathing, but completely aware _

_ ‘Cause you’re giving me a million reasons _

_ Give me a million reasons _

_ Givin’ me a million reasons _

_ About a million reasons _

 

When I finally stop crying, I don’t feel sad anymore. I just feel numb. I feel totally empty and emotionless, which happens to me more as time goes on. It’s like after a particularly emotional episode with Philip, or Margaret, or my mother, my emotions just shut off and I can’t feel anything. This never happened to me before I became Queen, but back then I was just Elizabeth Windsor. Now, I’m Elizabeth Regina as well, and her emotionless tends to take over when things get hard. Letting Elizabeth Regina’s stoniness take over Elizabeth Windsor’s mind is definitely not a healthy way to deal with my problems, but I can’t do anything else. 

 

_ And if you say something that you might even mean _

_ It’s hard to even fathom which parts I should believe _

_ ‘Cause you’re giving me a million reasons _

_ Give me a million reasons _

_ Givin’ me a million reasons _

_ About a million reasons  _

 

The next morning, I wake up in my bed alone. Philip and I have always slept in separate beds, but my bed has felt emptier lately. I get up and open the door. I look across the hallway into Philip’s room, where I see him sleeping. I quietly walk into his room and climb into his bed, like I used to do sometimes. I cuddle up to him and rest my head on his shoulder. He wakes up, and I expect him to tell me to bugger off, but he doesn’t.

 

“Good morning, Lilibet.” he says, smiling at me. 

 

“Good morning.” I reply shyly. He turns towards me and holds me in his arms. I put my head on his chest and he kisses my hair. 

 

“Lilibet,” Philip starts. “I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting lately. It’s just so hard.”

I don’t respond. He’s apologized many times before, but not once has he really meant it. He probably doesn’t mean it this time either, but I don’t give voice to this fear because I desperately want him to mean it. 

 

“I love you,” he whispers, pulling me closer to him.

 

“I love you too.” I wonder if things will really start to change between us, or if this is just the calm before the latest storm.

 

_ I bow down to pray _

_ I try to make the worst seem better _

_ Lord, show me the way _

_ To cut through all this worn out leather _

_ I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away _

_ But baby, I just need one good one to stay _

 

That evening, I come to our dining room, hoping to find Philip there. He told me we would have dinner tonight and talk things out. Of course he’s nowhere to be seen. I was foolish to think he actually meant anything he said this morning. 

 

I sit down and pray silently for Philip to come back to me. I pray that he’s not out with Mike getting drunk. I open my eyes and almost start to cry, but Elizabeth Regina comes back and swallows Elizabeth Windsor’s emotions again. Elizabeth Regina tells me I’m foolish to keep trying. I just need to cut him out of my life as best I can. She says I don’t need love anyway. I just need to focus on my duties as Queen. 

 

This time, Elizabeth Windsor fights back. I can’t give up on Philip. I love him too much. And I need him to love me too much. 

 

_ Baby I’m bleedin’, bleedin’ _

_ Stay _

_ Can’t you give me what I’m needin’, needin’ _

_ Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith _

_ But baby, I just need one good one _

_ Good one, good one, good one, good one, good one _

 

I start to cry. I just can’t hold it in anymore. I need Philip to come back and be the loving, supportive husband I desperately need. Why won’t he? Does he hate me? 

 

I leave the dining room without eating. I’ve lost my appetite. Philip can only let me down and break my heart so many times before I finally say enough is enough. This is the final straw. 

 

When Philip comes back, I’m confronting him. No more avoiding him, no more pretending to be asleep. I need to do this. 

 

What seems like hours later, I hear Philip’s drunken whisper behind me.

 

“Lilibet,”

 

_ When I bow down to pray _

_ Try to make the worst seem better _

_ Lord, show me the way _

_ To cut through all this worn out leather _

_ I’ve got a hundred million reasons to walk away _

_ But baby, I just need one good one, good one _

_ Tell me that you’ll be the good one, good one _

 

“Where the hell have you been?” I shout as I turn around.

 

“With Mike, where hell do you think I’ve been?” Philip shouts back.

 

“You were supposed to be here!”  Tears well up in my eyes, threatening to spill over. “We were going to have dinner together! We were going to talk things out!” 

 

Philip looks down. “I’m sorry, darling. I forgot.” He slurs. 

 

“No you’re not.” I spit back. I’m done. “I’m done accepting your fake apologies. Grow the hell up or get the hell out of my life.” 

 

“I can’t even go out and have fun now? God, you just have to control every part of my life!” Philip screams.

 

I don’t respond. I just glare at him through my tears. For a minute we just stand there and the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Finally, I speak.

 

“Get out. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. If you won’t be here for me and love me and support me, then why even pretend you love me? Why even pretend you want me to be your wife? Leave.” Philip just stands there. “I said go! Get out! It’s over!” 

 

“You can’t do that.” Philip says sadly. “Remember all the controversy it caused when Margaret tried to marry a divorcee? And you think they’ll let you, the reigning monarch, get a divorce? No. That would be considered immoral. In the Church of England, marriage is forever.”

 

“So you can just go do whatever you want because you think cabinet won’t let me divorce you?” 

 

“You know they won’t.”

 

“I know.” I whisper defeated. “But if we can’t get divorced, shouldn’t we try to work things out between us? We’ll be miserable if we don’t.”

 

“If we can’t get divorced, we should make an arrangement so that we can both be happy. And I for one, am much happier out there than in here.” 

 

“And by out there, you mean without me? Always in your way, stopping you from having your fun?” I ask, hurt. 

 

“Yes. I do.” Philip responds coldly. He walks away. 

 

I sit down on my bed and cry for a few minutes, before I let Elizabeth Regina take over. Then I stop. I might as well just let her take over. It’s easier that way. 

 


	3. I'm Not the Only One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off I'm Not the Only One by Sam Smith

**I'm Not the Only One**

 

_You and me we made a vow_

_For better or for worse_

_I can’t believe you let me down_

_But the proof is in the way it hurts_

 

“Philip!” I shouted, tears in my eyes. “How could you do this to me?”

 

“I didn’t do anything!” He yelled back. “You’re making too big of a deal out of this!”

 

This afternoon I went into Philip’s room to grab a necklace I thought I’d left in there the night before. I didn’t find the necklace, but I did find a letter addressed to Philip. It was a love letter from Princess Alexandra….my cousin. When I confronted him, Philip tried to claim it wasn’t a love letter.

 

“You’re cheating on me!” I screamed.

 

“No I’m not!”

 

“Oh really? Then explain this,” I picked up the letter from my nightstand and read part of it, imitating Alexandra’s voice. “I had such a wonderful time last night! Please do come back again soon. You’re always welcome at my house. Especially when you bring chocolates and roses! Love, Alexandra”

 

“We’re just friends. Mike and I went to a party at her house and I brought her chocolate and roses as a gift.” Philip tried to defend himself, but I saw through his lie.

 

“You don’t give me gifts like that.” I retorted. “And she didn’t mention anything about a party in the letter.”

 

“Fine, you don’t want to believe me, don’t. You just go all psycho over something that didn’t happen.” Philip said, walking away.

 

“Take your bloody letter with you!” I said, ripping it in half and throwing it at him. He didn’t pick the pieces up off the floor, or even acknowledge I said anything at all. He just left.

 

_For months on end I’ve had my doubts_

_Denying every tear_

_I wish this would be over now_

_But I know that I still need you here_

 

I’d been suspecting that Philip was cheating on me for some time, but this was my first real proof. Part of me always kept saying, maybe he wasn’t, but I couldn’t deny it anymore.

 

The worst part was I couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't like Parliament would let us divorce, especially not after the Margaret and Peter scandal. Besides, I’d been in love with Philip since I was 13. There was no way I could give him up that easily. I needed him too much. I loved him too much.

 

I needed to talk to someone. But who? Not my mother. She would be too judgmental. She would probably tell me to turn a blind eye to it. Not Margaret. She’s been out for my blood since I forbade her to marry Peter. She would probably tell me I deserved this.

 

Suddenly the phone rang, snapping me out of my thoughts.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Lilibet,”

 

“Porchey,” I was strangely comforted by his voice.

 

“Are you alright? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

 

“It’s Philip.” I told him

 

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Porchey asked. He’d always been so protective of me. Margaret says it’s because he’s still in love with me.

 

“Not physically.”

 

“Lilibet, what did he do?”

 

“I found a love letter from Princess Alexandra in his room. He says it wasn’t a love letter and that they’re just friends, but that can’t be true. I want to believe it, but I just can’t deny that he’s cheating anymore.” I explained, crying.

 

“God, what an ass.” Porchey whispered. “Lilibet, come over here.”

 

“I can’t ask a valet to drive to your house at night. It might look suspicious.”

 

“You can drive. You know where my flat is. I'm not just gonna let you sit over there all alone crying.” Porchey insisted.

 

“Alright.” I agreed.

 

“Good. So I'll see you in a few minutes then?”

 

“Yes.” I paused. “Thank you.”

 

“Anytime Lilibet.”

 

_You say I’m crazy_

_‘Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done_

_But when you call me baby_

_I know I’m not the only one_

 

I got in the car, trying to clear my tears enough to drive. Porchey’s flat wasn’t too far away, but I still needed to be able to see to drive there.

 

Anger and frustration at Philip made me drive a little faster than I should’ve. I just couldn't believe what he’d done to me. And then to deny it when I confronted him with actual proof? He called me psycho. He said I was overreacting. As if he expected me to believe his pathetic excuses. I couldn't deny what was happening anymore. I knew he was cheating. And it hurt like hell.

 

_You’ve been so unavailable_

_Now sadly I know why_

_You’re heart is unobtainable_

_Even though Lord knows you kept mine_

 

When I arrived, I ran inside and got on the elevator. Porchey’s flat was on the top floor. When I knocked on his door, he answered immediately.

 

“Lilibet.” Porchey said, pulling me into his arms. For a minute I just cried into his chest. He led me to the couch and sat me right next to him. He wrapped me in his arms and I curled up in them. I rested my head on his chest, and the rhythm of his heartbeat was strangely comforting.

 

“How could Philip do this to me?” I finally asked.

 

“I don’t know.” Porchey replied. “He clearly doesn’t realize how lucky he is.”

 

“I’d hardly call marriage to me lucky.” I responded. “When I became queen, I took everything from him. His name, his home. He can’t do anything without permission from Parliament, and Parliament won’t give him permission to do anything. As he puts it, he’s nothing but a bloody amoeba.” I paused. “Maybe that's why he did it. Parliament can't control his sex life.”

 

“Philip could be so much more than an amoeba if he acted like it. There have been some great consorts in our history. Like your mother, who inspired and strengthened not just your father, but the whole country.” Porchey said, contempt for Philip in his voice. Or was it jealousy? “He should be there to love and support you. To lift you up when you’re down. Instead, he whines and he hurts you. He cheats on you. And it doesn’t matter how hard your marriage has been. Becoming queen wasn’t going to be easy for either of you, but he’s made it so much harder than it should've been. There’s no excuse for what he’s done to you.”

 

I didn’t respond. I couldn’t defend Philip anymore, but I couldn't admit Porchey was right either.

 

“He doesn’t deserve you.” Porchey spat. “He never did.”

 

“But I love him.” I cried.

 

“I know you do.” For a minute we were both silent. “Would you like a drink?” He asked.

 

“Sure.” I whispered. 

 

Porchey got up and poured us each a glass of wine.

 

“Tell me the whole story.” Porchey prompted, handing me a glass as he sat down. 

 

“Well, I’ve been suspecting for quite some time now, since not long after my coronation. He and his friend Mike were always going out to gentlemen’s clubs and bars and parties, he was staying out late, coming home drunk. But the biggest sign I had was his jealousy and suspicion of me.” I paused to take a drink. “More specifically, of you. He always hated it when we hung out together, even though I reassured him it was always perfectly innocent. When he found out I gave you a direct line, he lost it. He started a huge screaming fight after I took him to the stables to see the cover. Later that night, I confronted him.” I’d never told Porchey about any of this. Porchey knew Philip didn’t like him, but he didn’t know the whole story.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“I told him that you’re just a friend and the only person I’ve ever loved is him.” Porchey winced a little at those words, but I pretended not to notice. “Then I asked if he could say the same. He couldn't. That’s when it really hit that he was probably cheating. But I still tried to deny it. But today, I was in his room, looking for a necklace I left in there and found the love letter from Princess Alexandra, my cousin.”

 

“What exactly did the letter say?”

 

“I don’t remember everything. Something about him coming over and having ‘a wonderful time’ with her. And him bringing her chocolate and roses.” I finished my glass and slammed it down on the table. “It was signed, ‘Love, Alexandra’. And Philip tried to claim she’s just a friend and he was at a party at her house. Bullshit! She invited him personally back to her house in the letter!”

 

“What are you gonna do now?” Porchey asked, putting his arm around me. I rested my head on his shoulder.

 

“I can't divorce him, even if I wanted to. Parliament would never allow it.” I explained.

 

“Do you want to?” Porchey asked, sounding almost hopeful.

 

“No. I love him. Even if he doesn’t love me. But deep down I’m sure he does.”

 

“How do you know?” Porchey asked. “After all, he cheated on you.”

 

“He was just lonely and-” I started to defend Philip again but a look from Porchey cut me off. “Alright, there’s no excuse for what he did to me. It was wrong. He betrayed me. But I still love him. I'm angry but I can’t leave him. I can’t give up on us.”

 

“Then don’t.”

 

“What do I do?” I asked.

 

“You talk to him. Tell him you’re willing to forgive him, but only if he promises to stay faithful and support you from now on. You deserve to be with someone you love, but you also deserve to be with someone who loves you.” Porchey finished his drink and set it down. “It doesn't always go both ways. Trust me. I know it all too well.”

 

“Well, then that’s what I need to do. I need to talk to him. I have to try to work it out.” I replied. I wondered if his little unrequited love speech was about me, but I didn't ask. That wasn’t important. “I have to go.” I got up and walked toward the door.

 

“Right now?” Porchey asked following me. “It’s really late. Are you sure you shouldn't stay here tonight and go back first thing in the morning?”

 

“No. I have to deal with this now. I appreciate your concern, but I’ll be fine.” I insisted.

 

“Alright.” Porchey conceded. “Be safe. Goodnight Lilibet.” He kissed me on the cheek.

 

“Goodnight Porchey.” I told him. “Thanks again for this.”

 

“Anytime.” As I left, I swore I heard him whisper “I love you,” but I didn't respond. I couldn’t. I had something much more important to deal with.

 

_You say I’m crazy_

_‘Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done_

_But when you call me baby_

_I know I'm not the only one_

 

On the drive back, I tried to keep my mind on working things out with Philip, but I couldn’t ignore Porchey’s words. He’d hinted several times that he still loved me. He almost seemed to be asking why I married Philip instead of him, something I’ll admit I’ve asked myself more than once.

 

“Because I love Philip and somewhere deep down, Philip loves me.” I insisted to myself. Wondering what would've happened if I’d married Porchey instead wouldn’t help me.

 

When I got back to the Palace, I ran as fast as I could to Philip’s room. I didn’t bother knocking, I just walked in. He was sleeping. For a moment, I just stood there watching. He looked so peaceful, and I knew the moment I woke him up, he’d start another war. But I couldn’t wait forever. I took a deep breath and walked over to his bed.

 

“Philip.” I said, shaking him lightly. “Wake up.” He opened his eyes, but turned over when he saw me.

 

“Bugger off.”

 

“No. We need to talk.” I insisted, shaking him a little harder this time.

 

“Now? Elizabeth, it’s the middle of the night.” Philip whined.

 

“I don’t care what time it is! Get up!” Philip sat up and glared at me. I sat down next to him.

 

“Is this about Alexandra again? Because I swear I didn’t do anything.”

 

“Bullshit. I know better. If I’d been queen 400 years ago I could've had you beheaded for adultery.” I spat. Philip’s eyes widened.

 

“Christ. Would you?” He asked. His sudden fear made me laugh a little.

 

“No. I love you far too much.” My smile faded. “But you did just admit you did it. You could’ve said ‘No you couldn't have, I didn't do anything’ but instead, you got scared.”

 

“Fine.” Philip looked defeated. “I did it. I cheated on you.”

 

_I have loved you for many years_

_Maybe I am just not enough_

_You made me realize my deepest fear_

_By lying and tearing us up_

 

I didn’t know how to respond. I knew he cheated, but his confession still hurt. I started to tear up again.

 

“Why?” I asked quietly.

 

“I…” Philip started, but went silent.

 

“Did I do something?” I paused. I didn't even want to voice my fear, but I had to say it. “Did you stop loving me?”

 

“Oh God no, Lilibet. I still love you.” Philip whispered, pulling me against his chest.

 

“Then why did you do it?” I sobbed, pulling away from him.

 

“Because you’re not Lilibet anymore. Not usually anyway.”

 

“Philip, I try. But when Papa died another woman appeared inside me. And you have no idea how hard it is not to just let her take over.”

 

“You don't seem to be trying hard enough to me.” Philip said bitterly.

 

“It’d be much easier if you were here to support me.”

 

“You can’t blame that on me.” Philip spat back, his voice raising slightly.

 

“I’m not blaming it all on you, but you certainly could help me and you won't.” I argued, trying to stay calm. It was almost three in the morning and I didn’t want to wake everyone. “You could be here to love me and support me and act like a decent husband. Instead you go off and cheat on me, leaving me all alone and defenseless against a woman eating me alive from the inside.”

 

“Elizabeth,” Philip started. “I,” He looked lost for words. I moved to sit right next to him and put my head on his shoulder.

 

“Philip, I’ve loved you for a long time.” I began. “And I will never stop loving you. I never dreamed that when I became queen you would stop loving me.”

 

“Elizabeth,” Philip moved my head up to look at him. “I never stopped loving you. I’ll never stop loving my Lilibet, but she abandoned me.”

 

“No. You abandoned her. You gave up on your Lilibet and left her to die at the hands of Elizabeth Regina.” I started to cry again and Philip wiped the tears from my face.

 

“Can’t you bring my Lilibet back?” Philip asked sadly.

 

“No. Only you can do that.” I told him softly. Philip leaned in and kissed me softly.

 

“Is this a good place to start?” He asked. I smiled as he kissed me again, just as gently but deeper this time. Gradually the kiss became harder and more desperate as Philip’s hands moved to unbutton my dress.

 

_You say I’m crazy_

_‘Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done_

_But when you call me baby_

_I know I’m not the only one_

 

I woke up naked in Philip’s bed, cuddled up in his arms. It had been a long time since I’d woken up like this. I lay there for a minute before he opened his eyes. He smiled and kissed me on the head.

 

“Good morning Lilibet.”  

 

“Philip, we have a lot to sort out.” I said, my smile fading.

 

“I know.” Philip paused and pulled me tight against him before continuing. “I’m so, so, sorry for what I did to you.”

 

“I forgive you. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.” I replied.

 

“Elizabeth, I promise that I will never do anything like that to you again.” Philip said. He seemed sincere, but I wasn’t sure I could trust him anymore.

 

“How can I be sure I can believe you? I mean, you spent months lying to me that you were cheating at all.”

 

“Elizabeth, I solemnly swear I will never so much as touch Alexandra, or any other woman besides you, ever again.” Philip promised, looking sincere.

 

“I’ll hold you to that.” I told him. And I meant it.

 

_I know I'm not the only one_

_I know I'm not the only one_

_And I know, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know_

_And I know, no_

_I know I'm not the only one_

 

Later that morning, there was a knock on Philip’s door. A footman had a letter addressed to Philip.

 

“A letter for you, sir.” He said, handing the letter to Philip.

 

“Who is it from?” I asked as the footman left. Philip opened the letter.

 

“It’s from Alexandra.” He said slowly.

 

“Can I read it?” I asked. Philip sighed and handed it over. After I finished reading it, I half wished I hadn’t asked.

 

“Well, I’m not quite sure I needed to read about you having sex with another woman. Describing how you kissed her and touched her and,” I stopped, struggling to control my emotions. “And it appears she has invited you back tonight.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Philip said quietly as I gave the letter back to him. He seemed ashamed, but I wasn’t sure if he was ashamed that he slept with Alexandra or if he was ashamed that I read a letter about it.

 

“Well, you should certainly reply back to her.” I said, holding back tears as I started to leave his room.

 

“Elizabeth,” Philip said, grabbing my arm and turning me around to face him. “I’d like you to help me write back to her. I have to tell her that I'm not coming tonight. Or ever again.” I smiled a little. I still wasn’t sure I could trust him, but I was willing to try.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next few chapters are gonna be happier because I'm really starting to hate Philip. 
> 
> If you have any suggestions for songs I could do (happy or unhappy) please comment. Thanks :)


	4. All of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off All of Me by John Legend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is from Philip's POV

_What would I do without your smart mouth?_

_Drawing me in, and you kicking me out_

_You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down_

 

I drove away from Buckingham Palace in my Rolls Royce. I was angry, but I also felt a little bad for leaving Elizabeth standing there alone. I couldn’t do anything about it now though. I had to go that bloody meeting with the IOC about the trip she was forcing me to go on. I wish she would change her mind about all this. I know I’ve been kind of an arse lately, but sending me away for five months seems a little much. Not that there’s anything I can do about it.

 

If I bite my lip and go and just do what I'm supposed to to, by the time I get back, she’ll have forgiven me for everything, right? After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

Maybe I could make more of an effort to be there for her, but she could make more of an effort too. It’s not like she’s a saint either.

 

Even if I get back and nothing changes, I wouldn’t dream of trying to leave her. I may not always act like it, but I love Elizabeth more than life itself. I can’t imagine what I’d do without her.

 

_What’s going on in that beautiful mind?_

_I’m on your magical mystery ride_

_And I'm so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright_

 

I pretended to pay attention at the meeting, but my mind was on Elizabeth. I was anxious to get back to the Palace. Back to her.

 

As soon as the meeting was over, I left as fast as I could and sped back to the Palace. I couldn’t wait five months to make things right with her. I had to do it now. Mike had wanted me to go to the pub with him tonight, but fuck that. This was so much more important.

 

By the time I got back, I knew she’d be asleep, or at least pretending to be. I was right. I stood in her doorway and saw her laying in bed with her eyes closed.

 

“Lilibet.” I whispered, knowing she wouldn’t respond. I walked to her bed and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. “Lilibet.” I whispered again.

 

She opened her eyes and looked at me confused. I smiled.

 

“I know. You thought I’d leave.” I said with a laugh. She tried to smile, but it seemed forced. “Is it alright if I sleep with you tonight?” I asked, honestly afraid she'd say no.

 

“Of course.” Elizabeth said, moving over so I could climb into bed next to her. I took off my clothes and cuddled up next to her, holding her in my arms.

 

“Lilibet, I’m so sorry. For everything.” I told her. And I really meant it this time.

 

“I forgive you,” Elizabeth responded. “But only if you really mean it. I can’t handle you apologizing then turning around and doing the exact things you just apologized for. I can’t do it anymore.”

 

“I really mean it this time Lilibet. I do.” I said, tilting her face to look in my eyes. She smiled, and I kissed her lips. She kissed back. It’d been a long time since we’d kissed each other that passionately. Suddenly, she pulled away, looking like she was about to cry. “What’s wrong?” I asked softly. Elizabeth wrapped her arms tight around me and I squeezed her back.

 

“Don’t let go.” Elizabeth said. “Ever again.”

 

“I won’t.” I promised. I started to tear up myself as I realized just how badly I’d hurt her.

 

_My head’s underwater_

_But I'm breathing fine_

_You’re crazy and I'm out of my mind_

 

Our relationship played back in my mind, from the moment we first met. In the beginning, we were always there to support each other and hold each other together. When did we start tearing each other apart instead?

 

When she became Queen, everything changed. I let it change. As Elizabeth Regina took over Elizabeth Mountbatten, I turned my back on her instead of helping her. I told myself she’d gone crazy. Maybe she had, but I was out of my mind.

 

_‘Cause all of me_

_Loves all of you_

_Love your curves and all your edges_

_All your perfect imperfections_

 

“I love you.” I told her. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I’d said it.

 

“I love you too.” Elizabeth whispered back. For the first time in forever, I felt at peace with her. Maybe our war could finally be over. I was ready to stop fighting. I wanted us to be in love again.

 

“I’m a bloody idiot.” I said. Elizabeth laughed.

 

“I’m afraid I’d have to agree.”

 

“Why did I do this to you? You’re my sweet, perfect, Lilibet. Why did I hurt you?” I asked, more to myself than her.

 

“Only you can answer that.” She responded. “And I’m not perfect.”

 

“You are. Sure, you have your flaws, but that’s what makes you perfect.” I told her. She could be cold, selfish, petty, maybe even a little heartless at times. She could be a total bitch, but it’s not like I’m any better. It’s her flaws that make her who she is, and I love her all the more for them.

 

_Give your all to me_

_I’ll give my all to you_

_You’re my end and my beginning_

_Even when I lose I’m winning_

_‘Cause I give you all of me_

_And you give me all of you, oh_

 

For awhile, neither of us said anything. I just held her tight, thinking. I desperately wanted to make things right with her, to work this out, but what if things had gone too far for that? What if I’d hurt her too much? She said she’d forgiven me this time, but what if I fucked everything up again?

 

“Elizabeth,” I started hesitantly. “Do you really think we can fix things? Can we really work this out?”

 

“Yes, but only if we really try.” She responded. “We have to be totally committed to making this work.”

 

“I promise I will try my absolute hardest to make things work Lilibet.” I told her.

 

“I promise too.” She replied.

 

I kissed her head as she fell asleep in my arms. It’d been a long time since she’d done that.

 

_How many times do I have to tell you_

_Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too_

_The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood_

 

As the morning sun came through the curtains, I knew we had to get up. But I didn’t want to let Elizabeth go. I just wanted to hold her forever. I felt her stirring in my arms.

 

“Good morning, cabbage.” I told her. Elizabeth smiled and looked at me.

 

“Good morning.” I ran my fingers through her hair, refusing to let go of her. “I suppose we have to get around now.”

 

“No.” I protested, holding her tighter. “Can't we just stay here?”

 

“Sadly, no. I have queening to do.”

 

“Your queening is exactly what drove us apart in the first place.” I whined. Elizabeth wriggled out of my arms and got out of bed. She went to her vanity and sat down. I got up and followed her. I could see tears welling up in her eyes, but I wasn’t sure what to say.

 

“You better get dressed.” Elizabeth said. “Before Bobo comes in. I don’t think she’s particularly interested in seeing you naked.”

 

I wanted to apologize, I wanted to comfort her. I didn’t want to walk away, but I did. I heard a small sob as I left the room. I desperately wanted to turn around, but I didn’t. I went to my room, almost in tears myself. As I got dressed, I tried to think of something to say to her. I was so afraid of losing her that I was berating her for something she couldn’t control.

 

I walked slowly back toward her room. Bobo was leaving as I approached the door. Elizabeth was wearing a knee-length blue dress. It was simple, but she looked beautiful in it. She looked at me as I walked in and I could see she had been crying.

 

“Lilibet,” I started. “I’m sorry about what I said.”  

 

“You’re always sorry.” Elizabeth snapped. “When are you going to mean it?” She was crying again.

 

“I do mean it! I don’t know why I said that. But I didn’t mean it.” I moved to take her in my arms but she walked away and sat down at the vanity. “I’m sorry.” I cautiously walked towards the vanity. I put a hand on her shoulder, but she didn’t react. She wouldn’t even look at me. Just stared sadly at her reflection in the mirror. Tears were streaming down her face. “I love you.” I whispered.

 

“No you don’t. Why would you?” Elizabeth responded. “I’m a horrible wife, an uncaring mother, and a cold, selfish, unfeeling woman, if you can even call me a woman anymore. I’m nothing but an ugly statue. You were right. I drove us apart. This is all my fault.”

 

“No, Lilibet.” I wrapped my arms around her, starting to cry myself. “You’re a beautiful, wonderful, amazing woman. This is my fault. I drove us apart, not you.”

 

“No, it is my fault. I’m just a mess.”

 

“It is my fault, Lilibet.” I kissed her on the lips. “I made you a mess.”

 

_You’re my downfall, you’re my muse_

_My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues_

_I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing in my head for you_

 

I wiped her tears and pulled her head to my chest. For a while I just held her while she cried. “I really do love you, Lilibet.” I whispered. “I love you more than life itself. I'm so sorry I’m such an asshole.”

 

“I love you too.” Elizabeth replied moving her head away to look me in the eyes. “And I forgive you.”

 

“Why?” I asked. “You shouldn't. All I do is turn around and break your heart again.”

 

“Because I love you. And I can’t give up on you.” I kissed her again, harder and deeper this time. “Philip, I have to go. I have a job to do.”

 

“I know, cabbage.” I told her. “Go on. I’ll see you later.” I kissed her on the cheek before she left.

 

“I love you.” Elizabeth said at the doorway.

 

“I love you too, Lilibet.”

 

After she left, I sat on her bed, wondering how I got to this point with her. Our marriage was no longer doing either of us any good, yet there was no way either of us would ever try to leave. I thought there was something special about her when I first met her, but it took a few years for me to really realize it. Once I did, I never dreamed of marrying anyone else, and I knew she felt the same way. Our relationship was perfect. When she became queen, everything changed. Our relationship soon became dysfunctional. We were mean and nasty to each other. We hurt each other. I hurt her so badly I’m honestly surprised she can forgive me. But somewhere deep down, I know we’re still the same people that met all those years ago. We’re still the same people that fell in love. Our relationship isn’t as easy as it used to be, but somehow, it’s still perfect.

 

_My head’s underwater_

_But I'm breathing fine_

_You’re crazy and I'm out of my mind_

 

When Elizabeth eventually returned to her bedroom, I was there. I could see the surprise on her face.

 

“I have a surprise for you.” I said, winking.

 

“Oh?” Elizabeth smiled. “You being here isn’t the surprise?”

 

“No. Wait here.” I quickly walked to my room to grab the roses I’d bought for her today. It wasn't much, but it was the best I could do on such short notice. I hid them behind my back as I came back to her room.

 

“Close your eyes.” I ordered as I entered the doorway. “Hold out your hands.” I walked toward her and put the bouquet in her hands, positioning her so she wouldn’t drop them. She smiled. “Alright. Open.”

 

“Oh, Philip. They’re beautiful.” Elizabeth exclaimed.

 

“Not as beautiful as you.” I said, making her blush. I kissed her on the cheek. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” She replied. “We should put these in a vase.”

 

“I’ll be right back.” I told her. It took a little bit, but I eventually came back with a vase filled with water. I sat it on the nightstand and put the roses in it for her.

 

“Thank you.” Elizabeth said, still smiling. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done something like this for her.

 

“You’re welcome.” I kissed her deeply and moved her to the bed.

 

“You’re crazy.” She laughed.

 

“So are you.” I replied, kissing her again. “That’s what makes us perfect.”

 

_‘Cause all of me_

_Loves all of you_

_Love your curves and all your edges_

_All your perfect imperfections_

 

As Elizabeth and I made love, everything felt perfect. Every kiss, every touch, every movement. It was incredible. It was as if our bodies were made for each other.

 

I’d almost forgotten what this kind of bliss was like with Elizabeth. She made me feel amazing, and I made sure she felt amazing in return.

 

For a while after we finished, we just lay there in each other's arms.

 

I felt like I finally had my Lilibet back.

 

_Give your all to me_

_I’ll give my all to you_

_You’re my end and my beginning_

_Even when I lose I’m winning_

_‘Cause I give you all of me_

_And you give me all of you, oh_

 

Elizabeth finally broke the silence with three little words. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too. So much. I know I haven't acted like it lately, but I do.” I told her sincerely. “I’m sorry for what I did to you.”

 

“I’ve already forgiven you, Philip. Why do you keep apologizing?”

 

“I guess I can’t forgive myself for hurting you.”

 

“Just promise me you’ll never let go again.” Elizabeth replied, planting a soft kiss on my shoulder as she pulled herself closer to my chest.

 

“I promise.”

 

_Give me all of you_

_Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts_

_Risking it all, though it’s hard_

 

The next day, I had another meeting for my upcoming trip. I absolutely dreaded going, especially now that Elizabeth and I were starting to work things out. I stopped in her office to talk to her before I left.

 

“I really am sorry about all this.” Elizabeth told me. “I don't want you to go on that trip.”

 

“Then why can't you just call it off?” I asked. “Send your sister. She’d love the attention.”

 

“Margaret would muck it up.” Elizabeth retorted. “She'd probably use it as a way to humiliate me on an international stage. Besides, arrangements have already been made.”

 

I sighed, feeling defeated. “At least we have a few more weeks together before I leave.”

 

“I wish you didn’t have to leave at all.” Elizabeth told me sadly. “I wish Tommy had never put the idea in Mummy’s head.”

 

“I wish so too, cabbage.”

 

“How are we supposed to fix our marriage if you aren’t here?” She asked.

 

“It’s not going to be easy, it was never going to be. But it’s worth it.” I reassured her, leaning across her desk to kiss her on the cheek. “I have to go now. But I’ll be back tonight.”

 

“Promise?” Elizabeth asked. She was afraid of losing me again, I could hear it in her voice.

 

“I promise.”

 

“You’re not mad at me?”

 

“No, Lilibet.” I kissed her on the lips this time. “I love you.”

 

_‘Cause all of me_

_Loves all of you_

_Love your curves and all your edges_

_All your perfect imperfections_

 

I rushed back to the palace as soon as the meeting was over. I worried she'd be pretending to sleep again. She wasn’t. She was standing by the window, staring out sadly.

 

“Lilibet.” I said from her doorway. She turned around startled, like I’d snapped her out of her thoughts.

 

“Philip.” Elizabeth seemed surprised.

 

“I told you I’d come back. I told you I was never letting go again. I meant it.” I told her. She must not have believed me. I couldn’t blame her. She walked over to me and gave me a hug.

 

“I don't know why I thought you didn’t.” She said into my chest.

 

“I do. I haven’t been the best at keeping my promises.” I said. “But I sure as hell am trying to change.”

 

“I’ll always be here for you.” Elizabeth promised.

 

“And I'll always be here for you. I should've been here a long time ago.” I told her. “I don't know why I did all that. I don’t need to go out and get drunk. All I need is you. You’re perfect.”

 

_Give your all to me_

_I’ll give my all to you_

_You’re my end and my beginning_

_Even when I lose I'm winning_

_‘Cause I give you all of me_

_And you give me all of you_

 

Elizabeth kissed me on the lips. It was soft but deep. My lips locked with hers, and neither of us wanted to let go. We needed each other more than ever and we knew that now. Her phone ringing finally broke our kiss. Looking annoyed, she answered it.

 

“Hello?” I couldn't hear the voice on the other end, but I saw her roll her eyes. “Oh, sod off.” She slammed the phone down.

 

“Who was that?” I asked.

 

“Mummy.”

 

“Shouldn’t you talk to her?”

 

“No. The only person I want to talk to right now is you.” Elizabeth wrapper her arms around my neck and kissed me again.

 

“Same here.” I laughed, kissing her back.

 

_I give you all of me_

_And you give me all of you, oh oh_

 

I got undressed and climbed into bed with her.

 

“Goodnight, Lilibet.” I said.

 

“Goodnight, Philip.” She laid her head on my chest as I pulled the covers over us. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next fanfic will be based off a suggestion I got. If you have any suggestions leave them in the comments. I'm kind of addicted to writing these ;)


	5. Magic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is back to Elizabeth's POV.
> 
> Based on Magic by Coldplay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to Kay for the suggestion!

_Call it magic_

_Call it true_

_Call it magic_

_When I’m with you_

 

I couldn't believe Philip just left me standing there. Then again, after how he’d been acting lately, I could. He left without answering me. Not that I didn’t know the answer. He wouldn’t be back later. He never was.

 

But I wanted him to. I wanted Philip to be there with me, and for me, like he used to be. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before I became queen. Before I was “Glorious Gloriana.” Before I had to be a goddess. I didn’t want to be some magical being. I wanted to be a woman.

 

There was nothing magical about me. However, there was something magical about Philip. Not necessarily in the royal sense, but in a mysterious way. I couldn't put my finger on it, I never could, but there was something about him. He had some kind of magic quality that made me fall in love with him. And I was under his spell from day one.

 

_And I just got broken_

_Broken into two_

_Still I call it magic_

_When I’m next to you_

 

Sometimes I wish I could escape it. I wish I could break his spell like he broke my heart.

 

Philip just left me here alone. I had to have my official portrait taken when all I really wanted to do was go to my room and cry.

 

I wanted so badly to say, “Philip, it’s over. All you do is hurt me. I can’t deal with this anymore. Get out.” But I couldn't do it. I was under his spell and he knew it. He knew I could never leave him. I may be a goddess, but even I’m not powerful enough break free of his magic. I was just too in love with him. Even if it didn't do me any good. Even if all he did was break my heart, over and over again.

 

_And I don’t, and I don’t, and I don’t, and I don’t_

_No, I don’t,_

_It’s true_

_I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t_

_Want anybody else but you_

 

Later that evening, I sat on my bed thinking. Philip, as I’d predicted, had not returned after his meeting, which would be long over by now. I flashed back to the night of Winston’s resignation.

 

“But to everyone's regret and frustration, the only person I have ever loved is you.” Those words were still true, as much as I wished they weren’t. I could never love anyone else. Not like I loved Philip. But Philip could, and has, loved others. Probably is right now. It hurts to know that he’s not as in love with me as I am with him. I'm not even sure if he is in love with me at all anymore.

 

I remembered our trip to Kenya, right before Papa died. An elephant threatened us, but Philip protected me. He wouldn’t do that now. If that had happened on the last Commonwealth tour he'd have let me get trampled.

 

But I still couldn't think even of being with anyone else, even if that would be better for me.

 

_I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t_

_No I don’t_

_It’s true_

_I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t_

_Want anybody else but you_

 

The phone rang, snapping me out of my thoughts.

 

“Hello?” I answered.

 

“Lilibet.” It was Porchey. Because of course it was. For some reason, I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him.

 

“What do you want?” I snapped.

 

“I just got a call from the stables. One of the mares went into labor today and there were some complications.” Porchey explained. “The mare died and they’re not sure if the foal will make it.”

 

“Oh.” I wasn’t sure how to respond. I’d dealt with situations like this before, but today I wasn’t sure what to do. I almost wasn’t sure if I cared. Mostly because going out to the stables would undoubtedly mean spending time with Porchey. Something I did not want to do, and I was starting to realize why.

 

“I was going to head down to the stables. Would you like to come with?” I wanted to say no, but I knew I had to go.

 

“Sure.” I responded. What other choice did I have? I would seem like an uncaring bitch if I didn't. 

 

“I’ll pick you up on my way there then.”

 

“Alright. See you in a minute.” I hung up the phone before he could respond. Thankfully, I hadn’t put on my nightgown yet. I was still in the dress I changed into after my photo shoot.

 

When Porchey pulled up, I dreaded getting in. I slammed the car door and said nothing.

 

“You seem hostile today.” Porchey said. I finally exploded.

 

“I’m in love with Philip! I don’t want to be with you. Everyone always tried to make me fall in love with you but I just don’t. I don't love you! I don't want you! The only person I love is Philip! But he doesn’t love me anymore. Everyone was right. Maybe I should just give up and try to fall in love with you but I can't. I could never love anyone the way I love him.” There were tears in my eyes, but I didn’t dare let them fall.

 

“I,” Porchey started, but couldn’t finish. He seemed confused and hurt. We hardly said anything to each other the rest of the evening. Everything we did say was about the horses. We rode back to the palace in silence.

 

“I’m sorry.” I said as I got out. I felt bad for taking out my frustrations on him, even if what I’d said was true. Porchey already knew how I felt about Philip. It wasn’t his fault I was having trouble with my marriage. It wasn’t his fault my family had wanted me that marry him. Being with him just made me regret that I didn’t listen. My parents weren't trying to prevent me from being happy, they were trying to prevent me from getting hurt. Turns out, maybe they did know what they were talking about. But even so, I could never have married Porchey, even if it might have worked better. Philip was the only one I have ever loved that way. Pity he didn’t love me too.

 

_Call it magic_

_Cut me into two_

_And with all your magic_

_I disappear from view_

 

I couldn't sleep that night. I pretended I was sleeping when Philip finally got home, but I spent the night laying awake in bed thinking.

 

Philip had me under his spell. I didn’t know what kind of magic Philip had, but it was dark. He used it to trap me, then hurt me. My heart was broken, many times over, and he was the one who broke it every single time. Yet I was still totally in love with him. Blindly and foolishly in love with him. I didn’t care what was good for me anymore, I just wanted him. I needed him.

 

I loved Philip so much I didn’t care what he did. I loved him so much I let him get between me and Porchey, my best friend since childhood. My love for Philip just made me needlessly hurt someone I thought I cared about. I loved Philip so much I made stupid decisions, and made stupid excuses for his. I loved Philip so much I would hurt any member of my family if I had to, because I loved him more. I loved Philip so much I tore myself apart. I let him tear me apart.

 

_And I can’t get over_

_Can’t get over you_

_Still I call it magic_

_You’re such a precious jewel_

 

I just could never stop loving him. Philip meant far too much to me. I knew deep down Philip must still love me, at least a little. I couldn't accept that he was over me. I would never be over him. 

 

My mother always wondered what I saw in him. But there’s just always been something special about him. That magic that only I could see. No one else ever could understand how I felt about him. How he made me feel. What he did to me. How special he was to me.

 

I don't think anyone else ever could feel the way I felt about Philip. Not Mummy and Papa. Not Margaret and Peter. No one could ever understand how much I loved Philip. It was unhealthy, it was obsessive, and it was foolish. It was magical.

 

_And I don't, and I don’t, and I don’t, and I don’t_

_No I don’t_

_It’s true_

_I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t_

_Want anybody else but you_

 

The next morning, I received a message. My mother wanted to see me. She wanted me to come to Clarence House as soon as possible. I was tired as hell from not sleeping last night, but I couldn't exactly refuse. I agreed to come over in the evening. 

 

My day was absolutely awful. Philip was avoiding me. I ran into him at breakfast. He sat at the table and read his newspaper, not even looking up at me when I sat down.

 

“Good morning.” I said eventually. He looked up and glared at me, then went back to reading. I picked at my food, but I didn’t have much of an appetite. A few minutes later, he got up and left. The rest of the day, every time I saw him he ignored me. I knew why. He was mad that I was sending him away. The meeting must not have gone well either.

 

Later, I had an audience with the prime minister that I was barely awake for, and hardly paying attention to. I tried, but Anthony Eden’s words just weren’t interesting. I was distracted.

 

As I was getting ready to leave for Clarence House, the phone rang.

 

“Hello?” I answered.

 

“Hello.” It was Porchey. I hung up. I just couldn’t talk to him.

 

I spent the ride over dreading talking to Mummy. And doubtless Margaret would be there too. This couldn't end well.

 

_I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t_

_No, I don’t_

_It’s true_

_I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t, no I don’t_

_Want anybody else but you_

 

I reluctantly walked into my mother’s sitting room. She was sitting on an ugly couch looking dead inside. Margaret was not in the room but she was probably somewhere in the house.

 

“Hello, Mummy.” I said as I sat down in the matching ugly chair across from the couch.

 

"Would you like some tea? Or something stronger?" Mummy offered.

 

"Tea is fine." I replied. Mummy ordered tea and a few minutes later, a servant came back with tea and poured me a cup.

 

“Elizabeth, we need to talk.” She said as the servant left. The feeling of dread in my stomach grew. “About Philip.”

 

“No. We don't. There’s nothing to discuss.” I told her. Philip was all I wanted to think about, but I didn't want to talk about him. Especially not with Mummy.

 

“On the contrary there’s quite a lot to discuss.” She said. “Philip is entirely unsuitable. He is either unable or unwilling to fulfill his duties as your consort. He won’t settle down and he won’t give you the love and support you need. Things we all tried to tell you years ago, but you wouldn't listen. Don't you wish you’d listened now?”

 

“No. I never would've married anyone else. I love him, Mummy.” I told her defiantly.

 

“I think you would've married someone else. I think you could've learned to love him. The two of you have always had some kind of feelings for each other. He would've made a much more suitable husband.” I bristled. Mummy smiled. She was pissing me off and she knew it and liked it. “Do you know who I’m referring to or need I name names?”

 

“That won’t be necessary.” I snapped, slamming my cup of tea down.

 

“Anyway,” Mummy continued, now that she was sufficiently under my skin. “Philip either needs to come back from his trip a changed man, or something will have to be done. He’s left us no other option. We can't have a consort who can’t support his sovereign.”

 

“You can’t take Philip away from me. I won’t allow it. I love him!” I shouted, standing up. “I need him! And he loves me!”

 

“He does not.”

 

“He does! I will never allow you and your scheming puppet Tommy Lascelles to come between me and Philip!” I didn't know I could be this angry at my own mother.

 

“We don’t need to come between you. Philip did that himself. We would just have to separate you.”

 

“Like that’s an option. The church would never allow us a divorce and even if it would I would never allow it because I'm the queen! It’s my life, it’s my marriage, and it’s my crown! Stay the hell out of it!” I stormed out of the room before she could respond.

 

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, I ran into Margaret at the door.

 

“I heard what happened in there.” She told me. I wanted to just walk out the door, but I didn't. Instead, I tried to change the subject.

 

“So where are you off to?” I asked.

 

“Just going out.”

 

“Oh? With whom?” I smiled. Maybe she was trying to move on from Peter. Meet new people. Or perhaps she was trying to drown her sorrows in alcohol. I hoped it was the former.

 

“Porchey.” I winced when she said his name. “We’re going out for a few drinks.”

 

“Oh.” I didn’t want to know more details. “Well, have fun.”

 

“I don't know. He’s pretty upset. Seems someone broke his heart.” Margaret told me, giving me a look. “Seems someone took out their frustrations on him last night and then hung up on him when he called today.”

 

I leaned against the door and looked down. Why was I such a bitch? Why did Philip make me like this?

 

“Tell him I’m sorry for me, would you?” I requested.

 

“I think it would mean more coming from you.” Margaret said.

 

“I’ll call him later or something.”

 

“Come with us. He’d like that.” She paused. “I would too.”

 

“Would you really?”

 

“Maybe.” Margaret paused. “But I know he would. And you’d enjoy yourself too.”

 

I sighed. “Fine. I’ll go. But I’m not exactly dressed to go out.”

 

“You look fine. Let’s go. We’re meeting him at the pub.” As we got in the car, Margaret started talking again. “Mummy was right. I do think you would’ve been happier with Porchey.”

 

“No I wouldn't have.” I said, trying to stay calm. I was already regretting going with Margaret. “And you know what, I don’t care about what could've been. I care about what is. I love Philip and I need him to love me. Period. End of discussion.”

 

_Wanna fall_

_I fall so far_

_I wanna fall_

_I fall so hard_

 

Porchey was already at the bar waiting when we got there. I felt so bad for taking out my problems with Philip on him. He smiled at me. I tried to smile back but I couldn't.

 

“Look who I brought.” Margaret announced.

 

“Hello Lilibet. What a surprise.” Porchey said.

 

“Porchey, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay. I forgive you.” He told me. “You’ve been having some issues with Philip lately and you’re tired of people acting like they know what’s best for you when they don’t. You love Philip and as long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

 

“Thank you.” I said as he gave me a hug. “The trouble is Philip and I haven’t been very happy lately.”

 

“Thanks to you, no one has.” Margaret told me, lighting a cigarette. I ignored her comment.

 

“Two beers please.” Porchey told the bartender as we sat down.

 

“Thanks.” I told Porchey.

 

“No problem.” Porchey and I toasted our mugs before we took a drink.

 

I didn't say much for a while. I was lost in thought. I desperately wished I was here with Philip. I loved him so much. I watched couples around the room. They all looked so happy. They had the one they loved right there beside them. I didn't.

 

At a table in the corner, a blond haired man sat alone. He had his back to me. Another man, presumably his friend, tried to get him to get up. He wouldn't, but as he turned his head to tell him no, I caught a glimpse of his face. I recognized him instantly.

 

It was Philip.

 

_And I call it magic_

_And I call it true_

_I call it magic_

 

I got up off my stool, starting to walk toward Philip.

 

“Where are you going?” Porchey asked.

 

“Philip is here.” I told him.

 

“Oh.” Porchey smiled. “Well go on then.”

 

As I approached Philip, I started to get nervous. What if he didn't want to talk to me? I knew he wouldn’t, but I would make him.

 

“Huh. Who would've guessed I’d see you here?” I said with a wink as I slid into the booth across from him.

 

“I could say the same to you.” Philip replied, not looking at all amused.

 

“Philip, we need to talk.” I told him.

 

“You’ve already said all you need to. This trip,”

 

“Listen.” I cut him off. “I’m sorry about the trip. That wasn't my idea at all and if I could call it off I would. But it’s your own fault. If you didn’t act the way you did, you wouldn't be sent. Anyway, you could benefit from the attention.”

 

“And we could both benefit with a break from each other.” He said coldly, with a look that twisted the knife he put in my heart a long time ago. He twisted it a lot. I hardly had a heart to twist it in anymore.

 

“Stop being like this! I love you!” I shouted. I instantly regretted raising my voice. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. ‘Queen Fights with Husband in Pub’ would make quite the unflattering headline in the newspapers.

 

“Shh.” Philip quieted me. “First of all, why are you here? Tracking me down?”

 

“Long story short, Margaret made me go out with her. Then I saw you.” I explained.

 

“Alright.” Philip paused for a minute. Finally, he took a deep breath and spoke again. “Why do you love me?”

 

“I don't know. There's just something about you. You have some kind of magic that makes you special. And I need you.” I was starting to tear up, but I didn’t want to cry in front of him.

 

“Really?”

 

I nodded, before asking my question. “Why don’t you love me?”

 

“Oh, cabbage.” Philip got up and slid into the booth next to me. He put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder. “I do love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry I don't act like it. And I'm sorry about ignoring you today.”

 

“Philip, I wish I could call off your trip.” I told him. “I’ll go insane without you.”

 

“You’re insane when I’m here.” He replied with a smiled.

 

“Because I'm insanely in love with you.”

 

_And if you were to ask me_

_After all that we’ve been through_

_Still believe in magic?_

_Oh yes I do_

 

“Lilibet, let’s get out of here.” Philip said.

 

“Alright. Let me tell Margaret I'm going.” I said. I saw Margaret and Porchey dancing. Both of them smiled when they saw me and Philip.

 

“We’re going to head home.” I told them.

 

“Alright. Have fun.” Margaret winked.

 

“Have fun. Goodnight.” Porchey told us.

 

I was worried Philip might say something about Porchey being there, but thankfully he didn't.

 

“Elizabeth, do you really still love me? Do you really still believe in me? In us?” Philip asked as he drove us back to the palace.

 

“Of course.” I told him.

 

“How? Why? After all I’ve done to you.”

 

“I just can't give up on you.” It was true. No matter what he did, I would always come back to him. I would never leave. I would never stop loving him.

 

_Oh yes I do_

_Yes I do_

_Oh yes I do_

_Of course I do_

 

That night, I slept in Philip’s bed. It’d been a long time since we’d slept together.

 

I slept that night knowing that I truly loved Philip and he truly loved me. I would never let go.

 

I would never stop believing in magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for songs please leave them in the comments!


	6. Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Heavy by Linkin Park ft. Kiiara 
> 
> (RIP Chester Bennington)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has an alternating POV

**Philip's POV:**

_ I don’t like my mind right now _

_ Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary  _

_ Wish that I could slow things down _

_ I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic  _

 

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking. About Elizabeth and how our relationship is falling apart. About how everyone around me hates me. About that god forsaken Australia trip. I wouldn't have all these problems if I wasn't such a selfish arse. Yet I couldn't stop acting like one. 

 

I wished I could. I wished I could act like a decent husband. I wished I could give Elizabeth all the love and support she deserved. I desperately wanted to walk into her room, press my lips against hers, and tell her I loved her. But I couldn't. 

 

I was too proud. My pride and my ego got in the way of everything. And I let it. Because it was better to treat the woman I loved like shit than it was to admit she was the one in control. I needed to feel like I was in control. Like I had some kind of power. And the only way I could have power over Elizabeth was to hurt her. 

 

Dear God, why was I like this?

 

_ And I drive myself crazy _

_ Thinking everything's about me _

_ Yeah, I drive myself crazy _

_ ‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity  _

 

I made an issue of things that really shouldn't have been issues. Moving to Buckingham Palace and not taking my name? Both things she had to do as queen. Kneeling at her coronation? I knew she was going to be queen when I married her, I knew I would have to do that at some point. Her refusal to cancel things and chill out on the Commonwealth tour? That was her duty. Her hanging out with Porchey? Well he was her friend. She had so few. And yet I begrudged her hanging out with him. I got jealous and accused her of cheating on me. The Australia trip? Well, that wasn’t her idea and anyway, her mother was right. I could benefit from it. And Elizabeth could certainly benefit from me not being here to hurt her constantly.

 

I made everything she did a personal insult. I threw fits about everything. I wished I wasn’t like that, but I also enjoyed it. I let my pride and ego get the best of me because I cared more about my own foolish need for control more than I cared about Elizabeth. I could stop acting like a dick, but why would I? Giving in and admitting she was in control would benefit her, not me. I may have signed myself away but that didn’t mean I was going to act like it.

 

_ I'm holding on _

_ Why is everything so heavy  _

_ Holding on _

_ To so much more than I can carry _

 

The weight of the crown held both of us down. Her more so than me. I could help her. I could be there to support her. I could try to lift some of the weight off her shoulders. But why would I? I couldn't even handle the weight on mine. 

 

I looked at the clock. It was almost 2 am. Elizabeth was doubtless asleep by now. I got up and walked around my room. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked like shit. My hair was messy and my face looked miserable. I looked like the giant arse that I was. 

 

I wished I could change back to the loving, supportive man that married Elizabeth all those years ago, but it was too late. The damage had been done. I’d hurt her so badly, and I almost wasn’t sorry. Almost. 

 

I just wished everything didn’t have to be so hard.

 

_ I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down  _

_ If I just let go, I’d be set free _

 

I wished I could just let go of all these bloody grudges I was holding. I wished I didn't have to get mad at Elizabeth over every little thing, especially the things she couldn't control. 

 

If I could let it all go, I could make up with Elizabeth. Our marriage still wouldn't be perfect, but it would be better than this. I could hardly even call this a marriage. 

 

I wanted to go into Elizabeth’s room, but she’d be asleep. Besides, did I really want to see her? Would she really want to see me?

 

_ I'm holding on _

_ Why is everything so heavy? _

 

I started to cross the hallway into her room, but I stopped. I turned around and sat on my bed instead. 

 

I buried my face in my hands. I’d fucked everything up. I’d pissed off everyone around me. Worst of all, I’d hurt Elizabeth. My sweet Lilibet. My little cabbage. I was so scared of losing her that I pushed her away. I broke her heart. 

 

I desperately wanted to climb into her bed and hold her tight. But I couldn't. I doubted she wanted to be near me and I couldn't blame her. I didn't want to be near me either. 

 

Why did it have to be like this? 

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ You say that I'm paranoid  _

_ But I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me _

_ It’s not like I made the choice _

_ To let my mind stay so fucking messy _

 

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking. About Philip. About Margaret. About everything. I’d pissed off everyone around me. I’d hurt everyone around me. I’d let Elizabeth Regina take over me. I was supposed to become a goddess, but I became some kind of monster instead. 

 

Philip said I tried too hard. That I took it too seriously. That I was just paranoid about messing up and desperate to prove myself. Because I was. I was afraid of messing everything up, like my uncle had. Any mistake I made could send the monarchy crashing down. I couldn't let that happen. If I had to hurt the ones I loved to preserve the monarchy, that’s what I’d do. 

 

My grandmother told me that the crown must always win. Everyone around me says that the crown must come before everything. Even the Duke of Windsor said that I must put duty first. I mustn’t make the same mistakes he did.

 

So now, Margaret was heartbroken. Philip was angry. Mummy was distant. I didn’t even know what I was anymore. Was that how it had to be? Was that just my life? I knew the answer. Yes. There was no other option. I could never be happy again, and apparently, neither could anyone else. 

 

My heart was frozen and my soul was dark. I was a dead woman walking. Elizabeth Regina had truly killed Elizabeth Windsor. And I couldn't let anyone try to revive her. 

 

_ I know I’m not the center of the universe  _

_ But you keep spinning ‘round me just the same _

_ I know I'm not the center of the universe  _

_ But you keep spinning ‘round me just the same _

 

I got out of bed and walked to the window. The view was nothing spectacular. I couldn’t even see the city or the people I was sworn to rule over and protect. 

 

According to mythology, I was God’s chosen person on earth. I wasn’t quite sure I believed that. Why would God choose me? I wasn’t smart, I wasn’t confident, I wasn’t a natural leader. But yet He chose me. Because I was the daughter of a King and from the moment my uncle abdicated, this was always my destiny. 

 

A destiny no one around me understood or supported. To Philip and Margaret, I wasn’t some goddess anointed by the divine. I was a cold, selfish bitch that they only followed the rule of because they had to. 

 

I had no choice but to lead, and they had no choice but to follow. No matter how much we all hated it. 

 

_ I'm holding on _

_ Why is everything so heavy _

_ Holding on _

_ To so much more than I can carry _

 

I sat down at the vanity. I couldn’t stand anymore. I was too tired, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. So I looked in the mirror instead, at my sad, cold reflection. 

 

The weight of the crown was more than I could bear. And I had no choice but to bear it alone. Papa had Mummy to shoulder some of his weight, but I had no such help from my consort. Mine was a selfish jackass. A selfish jackass that I was hopelessly in love with. 

 

I desperately wanted Philip to walk through my door and hold me in his arms. But he was probably still out with Mike, getting drunk and whatever else they did out there. I suspected it wasn’t as innocent as he claimed. I knew he wasn't in because he hadn't tried to drunkenly get my attention. Unless he didn't even want to do that anymore. Perhaps he’d given up trying. He’d certainly given up trying with me when he was sober. 

 

I wished I wasn't the queen. I wished I was just a princess again and Philip still loved me. I wished I could go back and freeze time on that night in Kenya. The night before Papa died. I wished I could live the rest of my life in the happily married bliss of that night.

 

But those days were gone forever. That couple was gone forever. There was no getting that happiness back. 

 

_ I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down _

_ If I just let go, I’d be set free  _

 

When I was younger, I never understood why my uncle abdicated. I never understood how he could do that. How he could just abandon his duties for some girl. 

 

But now that I’m queen, I get it. It’s hard to balance love and duty. My father managed to balance both, but I believe he was the exception. I think most monarchs must choose. My uncle chose love. 

 

Sometimes, I wished I could too. I wished I could just say, “Philip, let’s get out of here. Sod being the queen. I want to be happy.” And I could just abdicate and move back to Malta with Philip and remove my children from the line of succession. Raise them to be normal children with normal parents that lived a normal life. 

 

But that would leave Margaret on the throne. If it didn’t destroy the monarchy entirely. And I could never allow myself to do that. I made a vow to rule over and protect my country and the commonwealth. That vow was somehow more important than my wedding vows. 

 

My grandmother told me that the crown must always win, and she was right. I must always choose duty over love. Maybe Elizabeth Windsor needed love, but I couldn’t be her anymore. I was Elizabeth Regina now, and all she needed was her duty. 

 

In a way, the Crown was like a ball and chain. Shackles tying me down to the monarchy, and trapping me away from my husband and my family. Shackles I could never break free of. I was trapped forever. Held prisoner in my own skin. By a woman that was supposed to be me. A woman I had to let be me. Escape might have been an option for my uncle, but it wasn't an option for me. 

 

_ Holding on _

_ Why is everything so heavy?  _

 

I thought about going into Philip’s room, climbing in his bed and holding him close, like I used to on nights I couldn’t sleep. But I couldn't. He probably wasn’t there and if he was he would kick me out. Our marriage was ruined. And it was my fault. I couldn't be Philip’s wife anymore. I had to be his queen. 

 

I wished I wasn’t. I just wanted to be normal again. I just wished everything didn’t have to be so hard.

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ I know I'm not the center of the universe  _

_ But you keep spinning ‘round me just the same _

 

After a few more minutes of sulking, I said sod it. I was going in her room. And I was going to tell her everything. I was going to hold her tight and made sure she knew I still loved her. 

 

I started to go, but stopped when I saw myself in the mirror again.

 

“Should I put on clothes?” I whispered to myself. “Oh, fuck it.” I shook my head and kept going. 

 

I felt nervous, but I knew I had to do it. I still loved her and I knew she still loved me too. She had to. She just had to.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ I know I'm not the center of the universe  _

_ But you keep spinning ‘round me just the same _

 

Suddenly, I saw another figure appear behind me in the mirror. It was Philip. I turned around and opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn't find the words.

 

“Lilibet.” He said, walking towards me. “I’m so sorry. About everything I’ve done.” He knelt down beside me and wrapped his arms around me. “I don't blame you if you can’t forgive me, but I need you to know that I still love you. And I need to know that you still love me too.”

 

“Philip, of course I still love you.” I told him, leaning my head on his shoulder. “And I do forgive you. Actually, I should be the one apologizing.”

 

“No. You shouldn't.” He told me, planting a soft kiss in my hair. “It’s not your fault you’re the queen. It is my fault I’m an asshole.”

 

“But I,” I started to argue, but he cut me off.

 

“No, you didn't do anything wrong. You only did what you had to do. I made everything hard for you and I’m sorry.” 

 

I knew he was right, and it felt good to let myself admit it. And despite everything he’d done to hurt me and make my life difficult, it felt good to forgive him. 

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ And I drive myself crazy _

_ Thinking everything’s about me _

 

“Let’s go to bed, cabbage.” I told Elizabeth. 

 

I took her hands and led her to her bed. I climbed into bed next to her and she cuddled up in my arms. There wasn’t a centimeter of space between us, and that was just how I wanted it. It’d been a long time since she’d fallen asleep in my arms. Way too long.

 

If only I’d done this sooner. If only I’d been able to put my pride and my ego aside for her before. If only I’d never let it get it the way to begin with. 

 

**Elizabeth's POV:**

_ Holding on _

_ Why is everything so heavy? _

 

The next morning, I woke up in Philip’s arms. He was asleep, but still holding me just as tightly as last night. I kissed him softly to wake him up. His eyes opened with a look of confusion, before he saw me and smiled.

 

“Good morning, cabbage.” He said, giving me a kiss on the lips. I kissed back and for awhile, we didn't let go. Philip’s hands moved to take off my nightgown. That was when I had to pull away.

 

“Not right now.” I told him. “I would love to, but I can’t. I have to get around. I have a job to do.”

 

“Oh, come on.” Philip gave me a suggestive smile. “Don't you have time for a quickie?”

 

“No.” I said, getting out of bed.

 

“So the queen can’t even have sex with her husband when she wants to.” Philip sounded a little pissed off.

 

“Not whenever she wants to, no. She has a duty to do.” I told him. 

 

“Can’t you just,”

 

“No!” I cut him off. “Stop! Why can't you understand that I have a job to do?” I was so frustrated that I could've cried. But I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I felt so stupid for believing his apology last night. He still had to make everything about him. I feared that would never change.

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ Holding on _

_ So much more than I can carry _

 

I sighed and laid back. 

 

“I’m sorry.” I told her. She was back at her vanity again, staring sadly at her reflection to avoid looking me in the eyes.

 

“Are you really?” Elizabeth asked bitterly.

 

“I am. And I'm sorry that all I do is apologize and then turn around and fuck up again.” I told her sincerely. I meant it, but I knew she wouldn't believe it. I wouldn't have either.

 

“I’m sorry too.” I doubted that she was apologizing for something she'd done. More likely she was sorry she married me. She shouldn't have. I didn't deserve her.

 

“Elizabeth, I’m tired of arguing with you. I don’t want to fight anymore.” 

 

“Neither do I. But it seems like it’s all we can do.” She replied. 

 

Every time we made up, I fucked up and we fought again. It was a vicious cycle. A cycle it was wearing us both out to repeat. We couldn’t go on like this.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ I keep dragging around what's bringing me down  _

_ If I just let go I’d be set free _

 

“If only we’d known then.” I said quietly. 

 

“Known what?” Philip asked.

 

“How hard this would be. How far apart my duties would drive us.”

 

“Elizabeth, come here.” He told me. I turned around and glared at him. 

 

“No.” I replied. 

 

“I just want to hold you.” He said softly. “I just want to comfort you and support you. I want to try to be the husband you deserve.” 

 

I reluctantly went back to bed and settled into his arms. 

 

“Lilibet,” Philip ran his fingers through my hair as I laid my head on his chest. “None of this is your fault. I know you feel bad about having to be the queen instead of a woman. But it's not your fault. And I don't help. I should be there for you. I want to be there for you.”

 

“I need you.” I whispered.

 

“I promise I’ll always be there for you from now on.” 

 

“Really?” I was skeptical.

 

“Yes. I promise.” 

 

**Philip's POV:**

_ Holding on _

_ Why is everything so heavy? _

 

Elizabeth eventually did go to work. And I let her go because I had to. She had her duties and I was no longer going to let my pride and my ego get in the way of them. She had a hard enough time as it was, without me creating more problems for her. 

 

That afternoon, I went to her office.

 

“Philip,” Elizabeth looked happy to see me, which was a good sign.

 

“I was just wondering if maybe you would like to go out for lunch today?” I suggested nervously.

 

“I would love that.” She responded. “And lucky for you, I don't have any important engagements this afternoon.”

 

“Good.” I was excited. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been on a real date with my wife. “When can we leave?”

 

“I’m awaiting a call from Michael Adeane, but that shouldn't take too long.” She informed me. Right at that moment, the phone rang. “Speak of the devil,” She joked before picking up.

 

“Ok. Mhmm. Alright. That works. Yes. Tell them that will be fine.” I didn't know who she was talking about and I didn't care. Probably someone stuffy and boring that she had to meet with. 

 

“Alright, let’s go.” I said as she hung up. Elizabeth walked out from behind her desk and took my arm. As we walked through the door, I turned to give her a kiss, which she eagerly returned.

 

“I love you.” I told her.

 

“I love you too.”

 

**Elizabeth’s POV**

_ Why is everything so heavy? _

_ Why is everything so heavy? _

 

Philip took me to a cute little cafe. We ate at a table outside.

 

“I’m really am sorry for how I’ve been acting lately.” Philip told me. I could tell he meant it.

 

“I forgive you.” I told him. He took my hands and smiled. 

 

“I promise I will try harder to support you from now on. I promise not to let my pride get in the way anymore. I love you more than I love my ego.” He told me. I smiled. “I love you more than life itself. And from now on, I want to help you. You shouldn't have to carry this burden by yourself.”

 

I felt comforted by his words. He seemed so sincere. I knew this time, he really meant them. From now on, I wouldn’t have to do it alone. The weight of the crown was heavy, but from now on, Philip and I would bear it together.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next one will be another suggestion. If you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments! I really enjoy writing these.
> 
> Also, I'm currently working on a Margaret and Peter fanfic too, so hopefully I'll get that up soon! :)


	7. Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Jealous by Labrinth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to Lizzie for the song suggestion! Hope you like it!
> 
> (Also, just a warning, this one's a little longer than the others)

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_I’m jealous of the rain_

_That falls upon your skin_

_It’s closer than my hands have been_

_I'm jealous of the rain_

 

All I could do was sit in my room and cry. Philip and I had dinner together tonight to try and work things out. It didn't end well.

 

I got to the dining room first. I waited a while before I started wondering if he was coming at all. Philip arrived about twenty minutes late. He looked angry when he came in. When our food came, we had everyone leave and the doors locked, to ensure privacy. We didn’t need anyone overhearing our conversation.

 

“We have a lot to talk about.” I said nervously, not really sure what to say.

 

“We do.” Philip agreed.

 

“I don’t even know where to begin.”

 

“I have a place.” Philip suggested. “Porchey.” I rolled my eyes.

 

“He is a friend. Nothing more. You’re just jealous.” I couldn’t believe he was still accusing me of cheating. “But even if there was something going on, do you have any room left to say anything?”

 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Philip asked.

 

“You know exactly what it means.”

 

“Oh no, Elizabeth.” Philip’s glare was ice cold. “I would like you to explain exactly what you’re accusing me of.”

 

“Alright, fine.” My glare quickly became colder. “You go out every night with Mike and get pissed. You’re part of that Thursday Club, and yes, I’ve heard about your…. less innocent gatherings. You’re cheating on me.”

 

“No. I'm not. You’re the jealous one.” Philip accused. “You’re jealous that I go out and have fun without you. Well, what else am I supposed to do? It’s not like you’re much fun to be around.”

 

“I see. So this other woman, or women probably, is more fun than I am.” I remarked, dropping my fork on my plate. I had lost my appetite.

 

“There is no other woman.” Philip insisted.

 

“Bullshit! Stop lying to me!” I was losing my temper. “I’ll forgive you if you’ve cheated, I just want to know the truth!”

 

“You want the truth?” Philip shouted, throwing his napkin and standing up.

 

“Yes.” I stood up to meet him.

 

“I hate you.”

 

“What?”

 

“Yes. I fucking hate you! And if I could, I’d file for divorce.” Philip looked down at me with a look I’d never seen before. It was a look of pure anger and hatred. I was shattered.

 

“Why?” I asked weakly, hanging on to the back of my chair for balance.

 

“You know exactly why.” He spat back, sitting down. I sat down too, struggling to contain my tears.

 

“I don’t know why. I don’t know what I did. But I’m sorry.” I reached for his hand but he pulled it away. “I love you.” A single tear rolled down my cheek.

 

“Don’t lie to me.” Philip said quietly, not looking me in the eyes.

 

“I’m not lying.” My voice cracked. Philip sighed.

 

“It’s obvious we’re both miserable in this marriage.” Philip said. “I have a suggestion. Separation. No kind of legal separation or anything, just personally. In our own personal lives, we are no longer married and are free to do as we please.”

 

“We’d still have to put on a united front in public.” I pointed out.

 

“Whatever. But behind closed doors, we’re separated.”

 

“That’s not what I want.” I told him. “But if it’s what you want, if it’ll make you happy, fine. All I want it what’s best for you. And it clearly isn’t me.”

 

“So, it’s settled.” Philip nodded and walked to the door. He seemed a little sad, but he would never admit it. “Goodbye Elizabeth.”

 

“Goodbye Philip.” Tears started rolling down my face as he walked out the door. He seemed reluctant to shut it, and he watched my face sadly the whole time.

 

I ran back to my room and shut the door. I’d spent the rest of the evening sobbing. It was raining out. It matched my mood.

 

Suddenly, the phone rang. I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to talk to anyone. But I had to answer.

 

“Hello?” I hoped it wasn’t obvious I’d been crying.

 

“Lilibet.” It was Porchey. Of course. He’d been my best friend since we were children, he would be able to tell I’d been crying.

 

“Yes?” I tried to keep going anyway. Maybe he wouldn't notice.

 

“Is everything alright?” Shit. He noticed.

 

“Nothing.” I lied.

 

“Really? You sound like you’ve been crying.” I knew there was no point trying to deny that, but I didn't want to talk about it. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I don't want to talk about it.” I told him.

 

“Are you sure?” Porchey asked.

 

“I said I don't want to talk about it!” I insisted. “Didn’t you call about something?”

 

“Alright. Well, if you were hoping for something to cheer you up, I’m afraid I don't have it. It’s Gloriana. She was seriously injured in a training accident today. They’re probably going to have to put her down.” Porchey informed me sadly.

 

“Oh no. But she had such potential.” Gloriana was young, but we had both seen the potential for her to be a great racehorse. She was named after me. Glorious Gloriana.

 

“I know. It’s unfortunate to say the least.” he remarked. “They want us to go out to the stables.”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Do you need me to pick you up?” He offered.

 

“If you want to.” I said. “Thanks.”

 

“No problem. See you in a minute.”

 

I hung up and cried some more. Porchey picked me up and we went to the stables. The horse died. At least the stable hands thought that was what I was crying about. But I still wouldn’t tell Porchey. We got back in the car.

 

“Lilibet, would you like to go home with me?” Porchey offered. My first instinct was to say no, but I knew I could use the comfort.

 

“Sure.” I accepted, wiping tears from my face.

 

“It’s alright.” Porchey told me, moving me closer to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder, grateful that he was there for me.

 

I looked out the window at the rain. Philip was probably out there somewhere. He was right. I was jealous. I was jealous of the rain. It was out there touching him, surrounding him, and I might never again.

 

**Philip's POV:**

_I’m jealous of the wind_

_That ripples through your clothes_

_It’s closer than your shadow_

_Oh, I’m jealous of the wind_

 

That was it. I’d just given up on Elizabeth. I walked out on her. I’d been wanting to do it for months, but it still hurt to actually do it. I could see the tears streaming down her face as I closed the door. I almost didn’t, but I made myself. We would both be better off this way. All we did was hurt each other. In the end, we’d be happier without each other.

 

Mike and I were going out tonight. That would take my mind off it. Mike pulled up and I hopped in.

 

“Hey, P Boy!” His nickname for me always made me laugh. I was never sure why he called me that.

 

“Hey.” I tried to keep smiling, but he could tell there was something wrong.

 

“What's up?” Mike asked.

 

“It’s Elizabeth.” I told him. “We’ve decided to separate.”

 

“Like, legally separate?” He seemed in disbelief. “Like, officially end your marriage?”

 

“No. We'll still have to put on a united front for the public, but in our private life, it’s over and we’re both free to do whatever we want.” I told him.

 

“So you’re free to bring home whoever you want, and she’s free to shag that horse guy whenever she wants.”

 

“Yes. Basically.” It was a lot more complicated than that, but that was as much as I felt Mike needed to know.

 

“Well, shall we celebrate tonight?” Mike asked.

 

“Hell yes.” I replied as we pulled up to the pub. Mike had given me an idea. I was going to get completely pissed and bring home the prettiest girl there.

 

“Two beers.” Mike ordered at the pub. “To freedom.” He toasted.

 

“To freedom.” I gulped down my beer and ordered another. When I finished, I made my way to the dance floor. I saw a blonde girl there alone. She had the prettiest blue eyes, almost like Elizabeth’s. I shook thoughts of Elizabeth from my mind as I approached the girl.

 

“Hello beautiful.” I said as I approached her, smiling.

 

“Hello.” She smiled at me, blushing a little.

 

“You here alone?” I asked.

 

“Yeah. I came with a friend but I lost her in the crowd. A few minutes ago I saw her leaving with some guy.” She explained. “You here alone?”

 

“I came with a friend but after a couple drinks we usually split up. I'm here to celebrate separating from my wife.” I told her.

 

“Oh? Why did you separate?”

 

“Things just weren’t working out. I don’t want to talk about her.” I wasn’t going to tell her anything else about it. “What’s your name?”

 

“Ella.”

 

“That’s a pretty name. A pretty name for a pretty girl.” I told her. She blushed.

 

“What’s your name?” She asked.

 

“Phil.” I hoped she was too tipsy to recognize me. “You want to get a drink?”

 

“Sure.”

 

I took her back to the bar and ordered drinks. For a while we sat at the bar and drank and talked. We drank until we were drunk. At that point, Ella drug me back to the dance floor. We danced for a while, then I pulled her in and kissed her. Hard. It was a sloppy kiss that was broken up by a tap on my shoulder.

 

“You ready to go?” It was Mike. He had a girl with him too. “We’re leaving.”

 

“You want to go?” I asked Ella.

 

“Go home with you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay.” she agreed. The four of us piled back into the car. The girl with Mike rode up front with him, while Ella and I sat in the back and fooled around. Mike pulled up to the palace and we got out.

 

“You live here?” She asked.

 

“Sure do.” I responded. She was too drunk to make the connection that I was Prince Philip.

 

I took her up to my room and we made out while undressing each other. I pushed her on the bed and we had sex. When we finished, I rolled off her. We were breathless and tired. I cuddled up to her and she fell asleep in my arms. Just like Lilibet used to do. I pushed thoughts of her out of my mind and went to sleep.

 

The next morning, I woke Ella up to take her home. As we got dressed and left, she figured it out.

 

“You’re Prince Philip, aren’t you?” Ella asked.

 

“You can’t tell anyone what happened last night. Absolutely no one.” I told her as we got in my car. “Promise?”

 

“Promise.” Ella gave me directions to her flat. Thankfully, she didn't ask any more questions.

 

“Goodbye.” I told her as I dropped her off. She waved and went inside.

 

It was a windy morning. I wondered if Elizabeth was out here somewhere. I wondered where she spent the night. Maybe she was outside right now, the wind rustling her dress. I was jealous. Jealous of the wind, as stupid as that sounds. But she was out there somewhere, and the wind was touching her, surrounding her. And I wasn't.

 

**Elizabeth's POV:**

_‘Cause I wished you the best of_

_All this world could give_

_And I told you when you left me_

_There’s nothing to forgive_

 

Porchey took me to his flat in London. We sat on his couch and he held me in his arms as I cried into his chest.

 

“Lilibet, please tell me what’s wrong.” I had to tell him.

 

“Philip is done with me. It’s over.” I tried to explain. “We’ll still have to put on a united front in public, but in our private lives, we’re separated and free to do whatever we want.”

 

“Oh God.” Porchey pulled me a little closer to him. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“I just…” I’d been crying so hard for so long I was having trouble speaking at this point. “I can't….I don't…. understand…..why he doesn't….love me anymore.”

 

Porchey wiped the tears from my face and planted a soft kiss on my forehead. “Shh. It’s okay.”

 

“No. It’s not okay. I love him. I….need him.”

 

Suddenly, Porchey leaned down and kissed me. On the lips. I was so startled I just sat there. I was not expecting him to do that. Part of me wished he hadn't, but part of me wanted him to do it again.

 

“I’m sorry.” Porchey said standing up. “Let’s go to bed.”

 

“Where am I going to sleep? Do you have a spare bedroom or something? Or some blankets? I could sleep on the couch.”

 

“Follow me.” Porchey led me to the spare bedroom.

 

“Thanks.” As he left, I realized I didn't have anything to sleep in. I undressed down to my slip. I decided this would be fine for tonight. I looked down at my rings. Should I take them off? I didn’t want to.

 

“Are you going to be all right in here?” Porchey asked, appearing in the doorway again. I nodded, but he saw the tears in my eyes. He sighed. “Lilibet, come to bed with me.”

 

“But what about Jean?” I doubted his fiancée would appreciate that.

 

“She’s visiting family in America. Don't worry about her.” Porchey told me. “I don’t want you to cry yourself to sleep alone.” I nodded weakly, too tired to argue further.

 

I followed him to his bedroom and climbed in with him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me as I cried again. I wasn’t sure how I still had tears left to cry.

 

“Shh. It’ll be alright.” Porchey comforted me. I tried to believe him. He turned my face towards his. He kissed me again. This time, I held on for a few seconds. Porchey wasn't Philip. No one ever would be. But he was here, offering his love and comfort for me. I would've been a fool not to take it. “Goodnight Lilibet.” He whispered.

 

“Goodnight Porchey.” I turned over and closed my eyes.

 

As I cried myself to sleep, I hoped that somewhere out there, Philip was happy. I wanted the best for him. If letting him go was what was best for him, that was what I had to do. It was probably best for me too.

 

A phrase kept repeating in my head as I fell asleep. “If you love something let it go. If it’s love, it’ll come back.”

 

_But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was_

_Heartbreak and misery_

_It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way_

_You’re happy without me_

 

A few months had passed. Philip and I made a fair amount of public appearances together, but no more than we had to. He seemed perfectly happy without me. I pretended to be perfectly happy without him.

 

I was doing better. After about the first week, I stopped crying myself to sleep. It still hurt, but I could function.

 

Porchey helped a lot. He was there for me whenever I needed him. His fiancée had returned a few days after the first night, but even if he couldn't be with me physically, he would pick up the phone whenever I called. We had spent several nights together since, but despite what Philip probably thought, we had never done anything sexual. The most we’d ever done was kiss. If Porchey wanted to do anything more, he had never tried.

 

I knew Philip was happy as a clam without me there to hold him back. He could get as drunk as he wanted and sleep with whoever he wanted without having to worry about consequences. I was no longer there to tie him down.

 

I had been to the stables this afternoon. Porchey told me that his fiancée wanted to have some alone time with him tonight, so I knew not to call him. Wouldn’t want to disturb them.

 

So I was alone that evening. I had nothing to do and no one to talk to. Margaret and I hadn’t exactly been on speaking terms lately. And as isolated as I was, I didn't have many friends.

 

I sat on my bed, sad, bored, and lonely. I wondered what Philip was doing tonight. Getting drunk no doubt. I wished he was here. I really thought when he left, that he’d be back someday. But he hadn't come back. He was perfectly happy without me. And I was jealous. Jealous of whoever he was happy with. Jealous of his ability to be happy, to move on.

 

I thought that if he loved me, he would come back. I guess he didn’t love me.

 

**Philip's POV:**

_I’m jealous of the nights_

_That I don't spend with you_

_I'm wondering who you lay next to_

_Oh, I’m jealous of the nights_

 

The last few months had been a blur. I spent most of my time partying and getting drunk. I enjoyed my freedom to an extent, but mostly I just missed Elizabeth. I regretted walking out on her. But it was too late now.

 

She seemed perfectly fine without me. She cried when I left her, but I knew she’d be fine. I knew she’d get over me and move on. She was a strong woman like that. If she was happy, I guessed that was all that mattered.

 

Mike was sick, so we wouldn't be going out tonight. I decided to stay in. It would be good to have a night to just relax. I wondered if Elizabeth was in too. Probably not. She had her own life now.

 

I wondered what she was doing. I guessed she was with Porchey. I’d seen him in her room once, and I’d seen them out together several times. She looked so happy when she was with him. I couldn't remember the last time she’d looked that happy with me. I figured she would go running to Porchey. After all, they had been together once, during the war I thought. And he’d always been there for her since they were children. He still loved her and she clearly felt something for him. I hoped he treated her better than I did.

 

I went to bed, but I couldn't stop thinking about Elizabeth. And Porchey. I was jealous. Of him. Always had been. I knew how he felt about her and had always assumed she felt the same about him. He had caused a rift in our marriage, but it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I knew that they were nothing more than friends then. But then I pushed her away. And now it appeared they were more than friends.

 

I left her. I should've been happy that she had moved on. That she was okay without me. But I wasn’t. I was jealous. I was jealous because I wanted her to still love me. But she loved him now. And I had to deal with it.

 

**Elizabeth's POV:**

_I’m jealous of the love_

_Love that was in here_

_Gone for someone else to share_

_Oh, I’m jealous of the love_

 

Porchey came over to the palace the next night. Jean had flown a friend over from America for a few days and they were having a “girl's night in” so he had to stay out of the way.

 

“Hello Lilibet.” He greeted me, giving me a kiss on the lips. This kiss was different than ones we’d shared before. It was much more passionate. I had felt the tension building between us for awhile. I wondered if it would come to anything tonight.

 

“Hello Porchey.” I interrupted our kiss to greet him, before kissing him back harder. We stayed like this for a few minutes before pulling away breathless. I could tell from the look in his eyes he was in the same mood I was.

 

“How are you tonight?” Porchey asked.

 

“Oh, I’m alright.” I replied smiling. I closed the door. He smiled.

 

Behind my smile, I was nervous. Was I really about to do this? Was I really about to sleep with Porchey? Part of me wanted to, but part of me didn’t. The part of me that didn’t was the part that was still holding on to Philip. Wasn’t it wrong to have sex with Porchey? Afterall, I was still legally married to Philip. But the part that wanted to won out. A wedding ring never stopped Philip from sleeping with other women, even before we separated.

 

“How are you?” I asked him, walking back towards him.

 

“Wonderful,” he responded as I ran my hands up his jacket. I pulled his face down to mine then pressed my lips against his, hard. I pushed him down to my bed.

 

Part of me still felt weird about this, but I hadn't had sex in months. I knew I needed this. And I knew, mostly, that I wanted it. And so did he.

 

We undressed each other as we made out. He pulled away as he flipped me over.

 

“Lilibet, are you sure about this?” Porchey asked. I took a deep breath and nodded.

 

“Yes.”

 

We made love. It was very different than it had been with Philip. It was necessarily gentler, but he seemed to care more about me, about my pleasure, than Philip ever had. Probably because he cared about me more than Philip ever had.

 

Yet when we finished, I turned over and cried. The part of me that didn't want to was back, and regretted it. I enjoyed it, but I still felt like it was wrong. I was still in love with Philip.

 

I wondered what he was doing. Who he had given his love to tonight. I wished it was me. But it wasn't. He didn't love me anymore.

 

So I had to take what I could get. Take love from the one person who still loved me. But I was jealous. Jealous of whoever was getting Philip’s love. Jealous of whoever was getting what I really wanted.

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_‘Cause I wished you the best of_

_All this world could give_

_And I told you when you left me_

_There’s nothing to forgive_

 

It was Thursday. Mike and I had already been to the lunch club. Flirted with waitresses, discussed current events, looked at pictures of scantily clad women. The usual. What we were really waiting for was the party. Baron was hosting tonight. And we would be doing a lot more than flirting with the women.

 

It was all just a distraction for me at this point. To keep my mind off Elizabeth. Sex and alcohol were great distractions. Until they wore off.

 

I missed her so much. I loved her so much. I would never truly be over her. But I made my bed and now I had to lay in it.

 

I got totally pissed at Baron’s party. The girl I fucked had brown hair and blue eyes. Funny how all the girls I picked when I was drunk reminded me of Elizabeth.

 

I had a nice time with the girl, but she still wasn't what I wanted. Her eyes weren't as blue, her hair not as soft, her skin not as smooth. Her kiss didn’t taste the same, her touch didn’t feel the same. No matter who I slept with, it would never be the same as Lilibet. It would never be as good.

 

I hoped Elizabeth was as happy as I pretended to be. That was the reason I left her. She would be better off without me. As jealous as I was of Porchey, I knew he was better for her. He would treat her better than I did. After all, she deserved the best. Something I would just never be able to give her.

 

_But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was_

_Heartbreak and misery_

_It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way_

_You’re happy without me_

 

I’d always thought she would come knocking on my door, begging me to take her back. But she never did. I had almost given up hope. Almost.

 

All I wanted was for her to crawl in my bed and cuddle up next to me, like she used to do. I wanted to wake up and see her looking up at me smiling.

 

But she was waking up next to someone else now. I couldn't deal with it, but I had to. After all, I left her. I let her go.

 

I had half hoped she would be miserable without me. But deep down, I was glad she was happy. She deserved to be happy.

 

But I was jealous that I couldn’t find the same happiness she’d found. I always would be. And I would always hope she would come back to me. I wanted her to be happy, but I wanted her to be happy with me again.

 

I had come home from the party alone. It was late and I laid in bed by myself. I cried myself to sleep. I needed her, but I couldn't go to her. She was gone and it was all my fault.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_As I sink in the sand_

_Watch you slip through my hands_

 

The next morning, I woke up naked in Porchey’s arms. It felt strange. It wasn't that I didn't like him, because I did. It was just that he would never be Philip. He could never replace him. And as much as I had enjoyed the previous night, I didn't want it to happen again.

 

He woke up and smiled when he saw me. “Good morning darling.”

 

“Good morning.” I smiled back, but he could tell something was wrong.

 

“Are you alright Lilibet?” He asked.

 

“I don’t feel right about last night.” I explained. “I mean, I enjoyed it very much, don’t get me wrong. But I don't want it to happen again. I'm just not ready to be in that kind of relationship. I just can’t get over Philip. I don’t want to.” I started to cry and Porchey wiped my tears. “I almost feel guilty about last night.”

 

“It’s alright. I understand.” He held me closer, rubbing my back comfortingly. “I feel a little guilty too now that I think about it. Being engaged and all.”

 

He didn’t mean to, but he made me feel even worse. I started crying harder.

 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn't have said that.” Porchey apologized, wiping my tears again. He kissed me softly on the forehead.

 

“You’re okay.” I told him. “Just promise me something.”

 

“What?”

 

“That you won’t let what happened change things between us.”

 

“Of course not Lilibet.” He reassured me. “You’re my best friend and you always will be. Nothing could change that.”

 

I smiled. For awhile I just laid in his arms. Eventually though, he had to go home. After he left, I stayed in bed thinking.

 

I would've bet money that Philip had never felt guilty after sleeping with another woman, even before we separated. I was sure he did it quite often. So why did I feel so guilty about it? Because I loved him more than he loved me.

 

I was just so sad. Philip was gone and he was never coming back. He wasn’t mine anymore. But I couldn't move on. I was still as much in love with him as I was the day we got married, despite how much had changed. But he didn’t love me anymore. He had moved on. I just couldn't accept it.

 

**Philip's POV:**

_Oh, as I die here another day_

_‘Cause all I do is cry behind this smile_

 

The next day I had to make a public appearance. It was a solo appearance. Half of me was glad, but half of me wished I had Elizabeth with me. I put on a smile for the public, but I was dying inside. I wasn't sure how much longer I could function without her. I regretted leaving her with every fiber of my being.

 

After the appearance, I changed into less formal clothes and went to the pub. I was alone. I didn’t have Mike or anyone else with me. I didn't intend to find a woman to take home. I simply needed to drown my sorrows in alcohol.

 

The bartender didn't recognize me, or if he did, he didn’t say anything. I was glad. By the time I ordered my drink, I was on the verge of tears. But I was determined not to cry in public. I didn't sit at the bar. Instead I hid at a booth in the corner, where no one would notice me.

 

It was too late to fix things with Elizabeth. She was gone. I let her go. I always thought I was unhappy when I was with her, but over the last few months, I’d realized I was much more miserable without her.

 

I ordered another drink. And another. And another. By the time I left the bar, I was stumbling drunk. But I had to drive myself home. I got in the car, vaguely aware I was not fit to drive. And I was only vaguely aware of the car that I crashed into. I was lucky I didn't hit it head on. But I was still knocked out.

 

As I blacked out, a few thoughts raced through my mind. Was I dying? I might as well have. I was already dying on the inside. I had realized over the last few months that without Elizabeth, I had nothing to live for. I’d realized too late that she was my life. Without her, living was pointless.

 

**Elizabeth's POV:**

_I wished you the best of_

_All this world could give_

_And I told you when you left me_

_There's nothing to forgive_

 

I received a phone call in the middle of the night. Philip had been in a car accident. He was driving drunk. Thankfully, he lived. He was unconscious when the police arrived at the scene, but was soon awoken. He had only a few minor injuries. The doctors said he would have to rest for a few days, but should be back to normal after that.

 

The next evening, I wanted to go visit him, but would he want to see me? He was resting in his room now, but I wasn’t sure I should go. After all, he wasn’t really my husband anymore. He hated me. He was perfectly fine without me. He wouldn't want me in there with him.

 

But yet I still wanted to go. I needed to see him. Even if he didn’t want to see me. I had to go. I took a deep breath and walked to his room. The door was open, but I knocked anyway. I didn’t feel like I had permission to just walk in anymore.

 

“Who is it?” Philip asked. He sounded tired.

 

“It’s me.” I responded shyly.

 

“Elizabeth?” Philip sounded confused. He turned over to see me.

 

“I heard about your accident.” I told him. “I wanted to come and see you. Make sure you’re alright.”

 

“I’m perfectly fine.” He sounded bitter. He definitely didn’t want to see me, but I cautiously approached his bed anyway. He didn't tell me to leave, just watched me as I walked toward him. I stood by his bed and looked down at him sadly.

 

“You don’t look fine.” I told him. “But I’m not fine either.”

 

“Alright so maybe I’ve been better.” Philip spat back at me. “But you should be perfectly happy. You have the man you really want now.”

 

“You really think I’m happy? You really think he’s what I want? Philip, I want you. I miss you.” I sank on to his bed and started to cry. “I love you.”

 

He looked slightly confused, but hopeful.

 

“Really?” He asked. “You really still love me?”

 

“Yes. I will never stop loving you.” I told him, taking his hand.

 

“Lilibet,” Philip started, putting his other hand over mine. “I love you too.”

 

“I thought you hated me.” I responded, remembering what he said the night he left me.

 

“Maybe I thought I hated you, but I don’t.” He told me. “These last few months have made me realize that I’m still just as much in love with you now as I was the day I married you. And I’m so sorry I didn't realize it sooner. I'm sorry I’ve hurt you so much.”

 

“I forgive you.” I leaned down to give him a kiss on the lips, which he eagerly returned. It was the best kiss I’d had in a long time.

 

**Philip's POV:**

_But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was_

_Heartbreak and misery_

_It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way_

_You’re happy without me_

 

I couldn’t believe it. Elizabeth was back. She was really here, cuddling up to me, kissing me, telling me she still loved me. And I finally got the chance to tell her that I still loved her too. And that I was sorry for hurting her. I’d never kissed someone more desperately than I kissed Elizabeth that night. I unbuttoned her dress and she started unbuttoning my shirt.

 

That night, we had the best sex I’d had in months. Every kiss, every touch, every movement was perfect. I could tell she felt the same way.

 

When we finished, she rolled off me and, for a few moments, we laid there breathless.

 

“Lilibet, that was the best sex I’ve had in months.” I told her.

 

“How much sex have you had since I left?” She asked. “How many women have you slept with?”

 

“Too many to count.” I confessed. “But none of them compared to you.” I leaned down and kissed her hair. “What about you? I mean, how many men did you sleep with.” She took a deep breath before talking.

 

“Just Porchey.” She told me. “And it only happened once.”  

 

“Why? Didn't you enjoy it?” I asked her. I had assumed that it had happened several times.

 

“I did enjoy it, but I felt so guilty afterwards.” She confessed.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I was still in love with you.” Elizabeth seemed sad. “Do you forgive me?”

 

“There’s nothing to forgive.” I told her, surprised she was asking for forgiveness. “If anything, I’m glad you’ve had someone there for you all this time.”

 

“It should've been you. You shouldn't have left.” Elizabeth cuddled closer to me and I wrapped her tightly in my arms.

 

“It will be me, from now on. I regret walking out on you with every fiber of my being. And I promise that I will never leave you again.” I told her. I don't think she could've understood just how much I meant that.

 

**Elizabeth's POV:**

_It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way_

_You’re happy without me_

 

I’d spent so much time being jealous of Philip, only to find out that he’d felt the same way as me the whole time. It was the most relieving discovery of my life.

 

Philip still loved me. He hadn't been happy without me. And he wasn't even angry at me for sleeping with Porchey.

 

That morning, Philip and I promised that we would fix our marriage. That we would forgive and forget everything we had done to each other in the past, and move on. We had to make this right. It wouldn't be easy. There would still be ups and downs. There would be hard times ahead. But we would get through them together. Because we loved each other, and that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next one will also be based on a suggestion. If you have any suggestions, leave them in the comments! Thanks!


	8. Hallelujah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Hallelujah. There's a million versions of this song, but I used the lyrics from the original version by Leonard Cohen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to Lola for the suggestion to do something based on the end of episode 9 (my favorite episode). I hope you like it!

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_Now I’ve heard there was a secret chord_

_That David played, and it pleased the Lord_

_But you don't really care for music, do you?_

 

“I have nothing to hide from you.” I told Philip sincerely. “Nothing. Porchey is a friend. And yes, there are those who would've preferred me to marry him. Indeed marriage with him, might have been easier, might have even worked better than ours. But to everyone’s regret and frustration, the only person I have ever loved is you. And can you honestly, look me in the eyes and say the same? Can you?”

 

Of course Philip said nothing. I just walked out. I meant every word I said to him, yet he didn't believe me. Why? I’d heard before that constant suspicion and accusation of a spouse being unfaithful sometimes meant that the spouse was being unfaithful themselves. It wouldn't have surprised me if that was what was going on with Philip.

 

I couldn't understand why he would think I was cheating on him. I loved him. Didn’t he know that? Didn't he trust me? Didn't he love me back? Evidently not. He couldn't even look me in the eyes and say he loved me back. That hurt. But I had to hold it together. I had a dinner to go to.

 

_It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth_

_The minor fall, the major lift_

_The baffled king composing Hallelujah_

 

When I gave my speech at the dinner, everyone was touched. They thought my words were about Winston. They were, but I found myself directing them at Philip instead. They were oddly applicable to him as well, because he was such the opposite of all the things I was praising Winston for. Supportive, kind, caring. Winston had become almost like a father figure to me. Over the past few years, he had become my only supporter. Philip should be there to fill that role, should’ve been there all along, but he wouldn't be. And I knew it.

 

Philip was visibly uncomfortable and I didn't feel in the least bit bad for him. He deserved it. He mouthed an apology to me across the table, but I didn't respond. He didn't mean it.

 

I desperately wanted him to, but I knew he didn't. He never did. And when he finally does mean it, frankly he’ll have a hell of a lot more to say for himself than “sorry.”

 

We didn't speak to each other on the ride back to the palace. We didn't even look at each other. You could've cut the tension with a knife.

 

We changed and went back to our respective rooms without so much as a goodnight. I sat down on my bed, feeling numb.

 

How did we get to this point? Why was he like this? Why was I like this? We used to love each other, but now it seemed like we hated each other instead. I didn't really hate him, I loved him more than words could express. But he hated me and probably thought I hated him too.

 

He accused me of cheating. How dare he? He’s the one who's unfaithful. I wasn't sure what hurt worse, the fact that he was cheating or the fact that he thought I was. Maybe it was everything. The cheating, the lying, the yelling, the coming home drunk, the hurtful words. It was almost as if he enjoyed hurting me.

 

I shouldn't shed a tear over him. He wasn't worth that. But yet he was. Because I still loved him. And I needed him to love me back, even though he didn't.

 

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

I started to cry, but wiped my tears. I wouldn't let myself. I refused to tear myself apart over him anymore. I wouldn't let him hurt me anymore. That was clearly what he wanted to do, and I wasn't going to give him that satisfaction. I had to be strong.

 

I laid on my bed and thought back on our relationship. We used to be so happy. How did we get to be so miserable instead?

 

I had so many questions but so few answers. I knew that our relationship went downhill after I became queen, but that didn't explain the question that haunted me the most.

 

Why did Philip stop loving me?

 

**Philip's POV:**

_Your faith was strong but you needed proof_

_You saw her bathing on the roof_

_Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you_

 

After Winston’s dinner, I went to my room and sat down on my bed. I wanted to talk to Elizabeth, but I wasn't sure how to start the conversation, so I didn't. I stayed in my room and she stayed in hers.

 

I laid back and thought about our relationship. I thought back to when we first met. I remember I thought she was a cute little girl, but she was only 13. Still, I could tell there was something different about her. Something special. So I agreed to write her. We exchanged letters for a few years, but it wasn't until I stayed with the family for Christmas in 1943 that I really saw her as a woman. She was 17 at that point. That was when I really started to feel sparks between us, and I could tell she felt them too.

 

The first night I stayed there, I walked her up to her room to say goodnight.

 

“Goodnight Philip.” She said at the doorway. I looked around to make sure no one was watching. I leaned down and kissed her on the lips. I took her by surprise, but she kissed back.

 

“Goodnight Elizabeth.” I told her back. She was positively glowing as she shut the door.

 

Every night I stayed there I did the same thing. And if anyone ever saw us, they didn't say anything.

 

After that stay, I asked in a letter if I could call her my girlfriend. She said yes, but I couldn't tell anyone. So I didn’t. We secretly courted through letters for the next couple of years. I can't honestly say I never looked at another woman while I was gone, but I can say none of them compared to her. And honestly I don't think she never looked at another boy while I was gone either.

 

When I returned, we began a real courtship. Like with actual dates and stuff. I proposed in 1946, and she said yes immediately. We knew it wouldn't be easy. We knew her family didn't approve of me. We knew the courts and parliament wouldn't approve of me. But we didn't care. We loved each other and were determined to marry. We knew it wouldn't be easy, but the struggle was worth it to both of us.

 

And I can honestly say the biggest victory of my life wasn’t winning a battle or being promoted in the navy. It was marrying Elizabeth.

 

_She tied you to a kitchen chair_

_She broke your throne and she cut your hair_

_And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah_

 

When Elizabeth became queen, everything changed. Suddenly, she was a totally different person. She took away my home, my name, my career, my pride. I was just supposed to be some kind of accessory to her now. I couldn't even walk beside her anymore. I always had to be two steps behind.

 

My anger at her had been building up for a few years, but seeing her with Porchey just sent me over the edge. I knew he still loved her, I didn't give a shit what either of them said. She even gave him a private line. To her! I mean, come on, does she think I’m a bloody idiot? I couldn't get a private line for Mike because he wasn't a member of the family. Neither was Porchey. But he was apparently like a part of the furniture. What part? The couch? The bed?

 

Maybe I was being unfair to her. I mean after all, I had no proof she was cheating. Then again, she had no proof I was cheating and that didn’t stop the accusations from flying out of her mouth.

 

“The only person I have ever loved is you. And can you honestly, look me in the eyes and say the same? Can you?”

 

The truth was, I couldn't say she was the only person I ever loved. But I doubted I was honestly the only person she ever loved either. I still wasn't convinced I was the only person she was loving right now.

 

But despite all that, I could still look her in the eyes and say I loved her. Because I did.

 

“Elizabeth, I can't say you’re the only person I’ve ever loved. But I can say that I love you, and that you're the only person I love right now.” That’s what I should've said. But she walked away and I didn't go after her. I just stood there like a foolish coward.

 

I didn't know how I still loved her, after everything she’d done to me, but I did. And I never would stop loving her.

 

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

I sighed. We’d made such a mess of our relationship. Was it even possible for us to fix our marriage? Did she even want to try? Did I even want to try?

 

It would be easier for us to just give up. But then what would we do? We wouldn't be allowed to divorce, would we? Besides, I didn't want that and I hoped she didn't either.

 

But still I wondered. Was this the end for us? We had seriously fucked up. We’d hurt each other so bad, I wasn't sure there was any fixing us. Was our marriage over?

 

_Baby I’ve been here before_

_I’ve seen this room, I’ve walked this floor_

_I used to live alone before I knew you_

 

If it really was over, would I be okay? Would I ever fall in love again? Would I be alright on my own?

 

I thought back to before I met Elizabeth. I had such a lonely childhood. I was an exiled prince shuffled from relative to relative. My parents weren't in my life much. The closest thing I had to a father figure was Uncle Dickie. I had no real home growing up.

 

I turned out alright I thought. But I was never really happy before Elizabeth. Even during the war, even though I had a duty then, I felt lonely and lost without her. I had just started to really fall in love with her when I left, and I eagerly anticipated returning to her.

 

I really wasn't sure if I would be okay without her. I could go back to my naval career, but it would just be a distraction. I would be back to the lost and lonely young man I was without her.

 

I really did love her. More than she could ever understand. Why didn’t she realize this? Why didn't she love me back anymore?

 

_I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch_

_Love is not a victory march_

_It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah_

 

Elizabeth becoming queen changed everything. It ruined our marriage. She just simply couldn't love me anymore. Elizabeth Mountbatten may have needed me, but she was Elizabeth Regina now, and all she needed was the Crown. The Crown was more important.

 

The Crown had certainly brought out the dark sides of us. Sides that had always been there, but that we’d never noticed during our few years of happily married bliss. Maybe this was who we really were.

 

Marriage to the queen was not what I thought it would be. Love was no longer what I thought it was.

 

We used to be young, happy, and full of life. We were the perfect couple. But we weren't that anymore. We were miserable. We were cold and broken. Maybe that was what love really was. Holding on to each other so tight that you break each other instead.

 

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

I had hurt Elizabeth so bad and she had done the same to me. I didn't want us to be broken anymore. I wanted to fix us. I wanted to put her back together, and I wanted her to put me back together.

 

I wanted to climb into her bed, wrap her in my arms, and beg for forgiveness. I really was sorry for everything I’d done to her. But she wouldn't believe me.

 

There was no fixing us. We’d gone too far for that.

 

_There was a time you let me know_

_What’s really going on below_

_But now you never show it to me, do you?_

 

I longed for the nights when Elizabeth would climb into my bed and cuddle up next to me. Sometimes that’s all that would happen, but sometimes I would lean down and kiss her. The kiss would turn deeper and more passionate. Soon we’d be naked, our limbs tangled together. Making love to her was always an incredible experience. No matter what was going on between us, when we made love, she was mine and I was hers. All of our problems faded away.

 

But that wouldn't happen tonight. I saw the look she gave me at dinner. The way she stared me down during her speech. She hated me now. And I couldn't blame her. She certainly didn't believe my apology. I had hurt her too many times for her to believe me anymore. She was gone. And it was my fault.

 

_And remember when I moved in you_

_The holy dove was moving too_

_And every breath we drew was Hallelujah_

 

I needed Elizabeth in my arms. I wanted to climb in her bed and kiss her softly. She would kiss me back and my hands would move to take off her nightgown. And we would make love, like we used to. I would be more careful to please her than I ever had been. And it would be pure bliss.

 

But that wouldn't happen. Because I wasn't going to her room. I was sitting on my bed with my head in my hands. And even if I did go to her room, she wouldn't want to see me. She certainly wouldn't want to make love.

 

Still, I desperately wanted to hold her in my arms. It was all I wanted. It was all I needed.

 

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

I had to do it. I had to go to Elizabeth's room. I took a deep breath, got up, and walked over. For a minute, I just stood in her doorway. She was asleep. Actually asleep. She looked so peaceful and beautiful. She looked like the woman I fell in love with all those years ago.

 

I slowly walked to her bed. I knelt down beside her and gently rubbed her cheek with my fingers. Her eyes fluttered open and I kissed her softly in between them.

 

“Philip?” Elizabeth looked confused.

 

“Lilibet,” I started. “Can I sleep in here tonight?” She gave me a look of hurt and confusion.

 

“No.” She turned away, sounding upset. “Go away.” I almost did, but I knew I couldn't.

 

There was just enough room between her and the edge of the bed for me to fit. So I climbed in next to her. I put my hand on her shoulder and kissed her on the cheek. And she broke down. She started to cry. I turned her over so I would wipe her tears. She laid her head on my chest and I held her tight.

 

“Shh, cabbage.” I whispered. “It’s alright. I love you.”

 

_You say I took the name in vain_

_I don't even know the name_

_But if I did, well really, what’s it to you_

 

Eventually, Elizabeth cried herself to sleep in my arms. It wasn't how I had wanted this to go, but it was better than sitting alone. At least she was here, in my arms.

 

I laid in bed next to her, thinking. I wondered what she would do when she woke up. Would she kick me out? Would she yell at me? Would she still be mad at me? It seemed like she was always mad at me. Like I couldn't do anything to please her anymore.

 

It seemed like all I could do these days was upset her. I never meant to, I would never intentionally hurt her. I loved her. But she didn't seem to realize that anymore. It was like everything I did was a personal insult to her.

 

Then again, wasn’t this how I acted towards her? Didn’t our latest fight start because I was jealous of her friend?

 

But even so, I still wished she wouldn't get so mad at me all the time. I loved her and I knew she still loved me. So why couldn't we just act like it?

 

_There’s a blaze of light in every word_

_It doesn't matter which you heard_

_The holy or the broken Hallelujah_

 

I eventually fell asleep. I woke up when I felt Elizabeth stirring in my arms.

 

“Good morning, beautiful.” I told her as I planted a kiss in her hair.

 

“Good morning, Philip.” She smiled.

 

“Elizabeth, are you still mad at me?” I asked.

 

“Yes.” She answered. “I don’t want to be, but I am. I'm just not ready to forgive you for what you’ve done yet.”

 

“Elizabeth, I never meant to hurt you.”

 

“But you did.”

 

“I know. But you’ve hurt me too.”

 

“If you’re talking about Porchey,” Elizabeth started. I cut her off.

 

“It’s not just him. It’s everything. You’ve taken my career, my home, my name. You’ve wounded my pride. Porchey was just the last straw.”

 

“Maybe if you didn’t let your pride get in the way. Maybe if you reacted to things rationally instead of making everything a personal insult. And don’t even bring up Porchey. I know what you’ve been doing.”

 

“No.” My voice began to raise. “I’m sorry I act like an arse sometimes. I'm sorry I’ve hurt you. But you’ve hurt me just as bad. And you don’t seem to get it.”

 

“Philip,” Elizabeth started to argue as I got out of bed and walked away, but I cut her off again.

 

“No. I don’t even know why I bothered coming in here. Oh wait, it’s because I love you. And I just can't give up on you.”

 

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

I sat down on my bed, morning light now streaming in from the window. I should've known that wouldn’t go like I wanted it to. I should've known it was pointless.

 

The woman I fell in love with was effectively dead. Elizabeth Regina had killed Elizabeth Mountbatten. And it broke my heart to see her kill herself from the inside.

 

Elizabeth Regina didn't care about me. She couldn't. She didn’t have the ability to care about anything but her duty. And everyday Elizabeth Regina took over a little more of Elizabeth Mountbatten. Took another piece of my Lilibet.

 

It was a long, slow, and painful process. And it was getting harder and harder for me to watch. I didn’t feel like there was anything I could do about it. It was just what had to happen. I just wished I had had more time with the woman I married. With my Lilibet.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_Maybe there’s a God above_

_But all I’ve ever learned from love_

_Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you_

 

As Philip walked away, I laid in my bed feeling numb. I just didn't understand. I never did anything to hurt him. At least not intentionally. The only reason he was hurt by my actions was because he let his pride and his ego get in the way and blew everything way out of proportion. He took everything I did as a personal insult.

 

And then he turned around and hurt me. He lied to me, he cheated on me, he yelled at me. And then accused me of doing the same to him.

 

And then we argued. It seemed like all we did anymore was fight. And God had we gotten into some vicious ones. We screamed, we threw things at each other. There were times I feared he might hit me. There were times I wanted to hit him.

 

Was that all our relationship was anymore? A fight? A bloody battle neither of us could win?

 

I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to make things right with him. I knew he wanted to fix this. I knew he loved me. He just told me himself. And I loved him more than he could could ever know.

 

_And it’s not a cry that you hear at night_

_It’s not somebody who’s seen the light_

_It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah_

 

I got out of bed. I had to go to Philip. I had to make things right. I had to let him know how I felt.

 

Philip was sitting on the edge of his bed pouting. He looked like he was about to cry. He had put on pants, but that was as far as he’d gotten. His shirt was lying on his bed behind him.

 

“Philip,” I started.

 

“No.” He cut me off. “You’ve said all I need to hear from you.”

 

“Philip, I’m sorry.” I told him. I cautiously walked closer to him. “I don't know what I’ve done to hurt you. I’ve never tried to hurt you. But I’m sorry. I really am. I love you.”

 

“No. You don’t love me. And you’re not sorry.” Philip spat. “You can't be. You don't care about me.”

 

“Yes I do.” I argued. “I care about you more than you could ever know.”

 

“No. Maybe Elizabeth Mountbatten cared about me.” Philip said bitterly. “But you aren't her anymore. You’re Elizabeth Regina now. And she doesn’t have the emotional capacity to care about anyone or anything but her duty.”

 

“That’s not true.”

 

“It is. Don't lie to me.” Philip stood up.

 

“I’m not lying.” I tried to defend myself. “Philip, I really do love you. I really do care about-” Philip cut me off with a slap across my face.

 

“No. You don’t. You can’t.” Philip pushed me toward the door. “I don’t want to hear your bullshit anymore.”

 

“I-” Philip put his hand over my mouth and pushed me against the door.

 

“Get out and don’t you ever come back in here bitch.” He was crying. I could see the mix of hurt, frustration, and sadness in his eyes. He opened the door and it hit me in the back of the head. He threw me out.

 

“Philip,” I reached to try to stop the door from closing but he slammed my hand inside it. I screamed in pain. He opened the door, kicked my hand away and slammed the door again.

 

I laid down in front of his door and sobbed. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was in so much pain, not just emotionally, but physically now as well.

 

It was hopeless. He didn't even want to talk to me anymore, let alone try and work things out. It was over. We had hurt each other so badly. We just couldn’t keep going. I guessed we were just too broken to put back together.

 

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

“Lilibet?” I was awoken by a voice. I must have cried myself to sleep on the floor. I opened my eyes to see Bobo, my dresser, crouching beside me. She was one of the only people outside of the family allowed to call me by my nickname. “Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine.” I told her. She arched an eyebrow, clearly seeing through my lie. “Alright, I’m not fine.”

 

“What’s wrong?” She asked. Bobo was very close to me, almost like an aunt or something. Usually it was considered out of line for a dresser or personal servant to ask a member of the royal family a personal question, but I made an exception for Bobo.

 

“I,” I wasn’t sure what to tell her. I didn’t want to lie to her, but I didn’t want to tell her what happened either.

 

“Come on,” Bobo said, helping me off the floor. “We’ll talk in your room.”

 

When we got to my room I sat down at my vanity.

 

“I drew your bath for you.” Bobo told me.

 

“ I don’t feel like it.” I told her sadly.

 

“Would you like a cup of tea?” She offered. “I brought a cup for you.”

 

“Sure.” I looked down at my hand. It was swollen and it looked weird. It had gone numb as well. I had definitely injured my hand, but I wanted to try and act somewhat normal.

 

“Here you go.” Bobo handed me the cup. I held the saucer in my left hand, but when I tried to lift the cup with my right, I dropped it. “Lilibet, what did you do to your hand?” Bobo asked, looking at it.

 

“It got shut in a door.” I said quietly.

 

“Philip’s door?” She asked. I nodded. “Was he the one that shut the door?”

 

“Yes, but not on purpose.” I admitted.

 

“Is that his handprint on your cheek?” I looked in the mirror. I hadn’t realize just how hard he’d hit me until I saw his red handprint on my left cheek. I nodded.

 

“Lilibet, I’m calling the doctor and then you’re going to tell me exactly what happened with Philip.” I turned toward the mirror while she called the doctor. He would come visit me here. As Bobo called the doctor, I felt a sense of dread built up in the pit of my stomach.

 

“There’s a nasty bump on your head too.” Bobo told me as she walked back to me. “Now what happened?”

 

I told her everything. By the time I finished I was crying again. I just couldn’t believe that Philip had shut me out, and physically injured me in the process. Bobo gave me a hug and I leaned my head on her shoulder. She had been there for me since I was a little girl.

 

“Let’s get you dressed before the doctor gets here.”

 

I didn’t know how I would explain what happened to the doctor. Of course everything that I said to him was confidential, but I was still worried about rumors spreading that he was abusive.

 

I told him that my hand got shut in a door. I refused to tell him how or why, or explain the handprint on my cheek or the bump on my head. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it.

 

“Well, your hand is broken.” The doctor informed me.

 

“How am I supposed to write?” I was right handed after all.

 

“I’m sure you can figure something out.” Bobo said as the doctor wrapped my hand. “Thank you for coming.” She said when he finished. She sat down next to me when he left.

 

“Why didn’t you tell him how it happened?” Bobo asked.

 

“I guess I just didn’t want to admit what happened.” I responded.

 

“Are you ashamed?” I nodded. “Why?”

 

“I guess because I deserved it.” I told her quietly.

 

“Lilibet, no woman ever deserves to be beaten by her husband.” Bobo told me.

 

“But I hurt him.” I argued. “He wouldn’t hit me for no reason.”

 

“How did you hurt him?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“You don’t know because you never did anything wrong.” She said, running her thumb over the handprint on my cheek. “Philip needs to put his pride aside and grow up. He’s the one hurting you, not the other way around.”

 

“I need to talk to him.” I told her. “But he won’t listen.”

 

“Then make him listen.”

 

“I tried. And he did this to me.”

 

“Lilibet, you’re a strong woman.” Bobo took my hand and helped me up. “You’ll find a way to make him listen.”

 

_I did my best, it wasn't much_

_I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch_

_I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you_

 

After Bobo left, I went back to Philip’s room. The door was closed. I took a deep breath before knocking.

 

“Who is it?”

 

“It’s me.”

 

“Elizabeth?” He asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Go away.” He responded bitterly. “What part of ‘I never want to speak to you again’ do you not understand.” I sighed.

 

I tried to open the door, but it was locked. I knocked again. I wasn't leaving.

 

“Just let me in Philip.” I begged. “Please.”

 

I heard footsteps approach. Philip opened the door, looking annoyed.

 

“What do you want?” He demanded.

 

“I want you to listen to me.” I raised my voice slightly, walking into his room. 

 

“I already told you, I’m done listening to you.”

 

“Listen to me!” I slapped him across the face with my left hand.

 

“What was that for?”

 

“I would've slapped you with my right hand, but you broke it.” I said, slapping him again. For a second, he stood there shocked.

 

“I, I broke your hand?” He picked up my right hand, running his thumb over the wrapping.

 

“And my heart.” I said quietly.

 

“Dear God.” Philip whispered, wrapping me in his arms. A sudden calm seemed to come over us. I felt him start to cry. “Lilibet, I’m so, so, sorry.”

 

“Sorry isn't going to fix this.” I started crying too.

 

“I know.” Philip kissed my hair and tilted my face up toward his. Tears were streaming down his face. “I know I’ve hurt you so badly, and I truly am sorry. But you need to understand that you’ve hurt me too. Maybe you didn’t mean to hurt me, but I didn’t mean to hurt you either. I would never try to hurt you. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” I wrapped my arms around Philip as tight as I could. I sobbed into his chest. “And I'm sorry. I know I hurt you. And I’m sorry. I never meant to. It’s just hard to be Elizabeth Regina and Elizabeth Windsor at the same time. I don't know how to balance the two. I’ve hurt a lot of people since Papa died. You especially. And I'm so sorry. Just please forgive me. And please know that I’m not lying when I say I love you.”

 

“Shh. I know. And I do forgive you.” Philip kissed my hair again and rubbed my back. “We’ll get through this. I don't know how we got to this point, but we’ll get through it. It’ll all be okay.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“Because we love each other. And that’s all that matters.”

 

_And even though it all went wrong_

_I’ll stand before the Lord of Song_

_With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah_

 

Philip sat down on his bed and I crawled in his lap.

 

“What happened to us?” I cried into his chest.

 

“I guess when you became queen, I let my pride get in the way of everything, and instead of loving you, I started hurting you instead.” Philip explained. “So as you lost my support, it became harder for you to be Elizabeth Mountbatten. And everyday I felt a little more of my Lilibet slipping away. And that hurt me more than anything.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Stop apologizing.” Philip told me, lifting my face to kiss me. “I realize now, that you didn’t hurt me. I hurt you and ended up hurting myself. This is all my fault. I should've been there for you.”

 

“Are you sure?” I asked.

 

“Yes.” He insisted. “I pushed you away when I should've held you closer. I turned my back on Lilibet and when I finally turned around again, she was gone. I just hope it’s not too late to get her back.”

 

“I can try to bring her back.” I told him. “But I can’t do it alone.”

 

“I know.” He kissed me again. “I promise I’ll be there for you from now on. It’s not too late to fix our marriage. It can’t be.”

 

“Just promise me you won't give up. No matter how hard it gets.”

 

“I promise.” He ran his fingers softly down my cheek. “Do you?”

 

“I promise.” I took his hand and kissed his fingers, and for the first time in awhile, I smiled.

 

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

 

“Oh god.” I suddenly sat up. “I have an audience with the prime minister today. I’m gonna be late.” Philip laughed.

 

“Well go on cabbage.” He said smiling. “I’ll still be here when you get back.”

 

The audience was boring. I made sure to make it as short as possible. I rushed back to Philip as soon as it was over. I hoped he really was still there, like he promised. He was. He was in our favorite sitting room, reading a newspaper.

 

“Anything interesting?” Philip inquired as I sat down on the couch next to him.

 

“No.” I told him. Suddenly, the phone rang. “I’ll get it.”

 

“Hello?”

 

“Lilibet, where are you?” It was Porchey.

 

“Oh, bloody hell.” I was supposed to be at the stables to evaluate some horses today. “I just had an audience with the prime minister. I forgot all about it.”

 

“Oh? And how did that go?” Porchey inquired. Philip looked at me, probably wondering what else I had forgotten this morning and I found myself thinking about Philip instead of paying attention to the conversation.

 

“Well, the good news is, Philip still loves me and wants to work things out and is going to be a loving and supportive husband from now on.” I told him without thinking.

 

“Anthony Eden told you that?” Porchey asked laughing.

 

“No.” I laughed. “Sorry. I’m just so happy right now, I’m a little distracted. Philip and I talked things over and we’ve decided to work it out.”

 

“That’s great Lilibet.” He told me. “But back on topic, are you coming?”

 

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”

 

“Great.”

 

“Bye.” I hung up the phone.

 

“And where are you off to now?” Philip asked, sounding disappointed.

 

“I forgot I was supposed to go down to the stables to evaluate some horses today.” I explained.

 

“With Porchey.” He sounded bitter.

 

“Philip stop.” I told him annoyed. “I love you. Not him.” He sighed.

 

“I know.”

 

“Do you really?”

 

“Yes.” He rested his hand on my knee. “And I’m sorry I’ve been accusing you of cheating on me. And I’m sorry I get so jealous. I’m just afraid of losing you. I love you.” I smiled.

 

“I love you too.” He leaned forward to kiss me. “I’ll be back later.”

 

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

When I returned, Philip was still there. I wasn't entirely expecting him to be. Maybe he would start keeping his promises now. Maybe he really would be there for me.

 

“So how did it go?” Philip asked. He was watching TV.

 

“Fine.” I said, giving him a kiss as I sat down next to him. “But I would've rather spent the afternoon with you.”

 

“Well we can still spend the evening together.” Philip suggested, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me closer.

 

“I would love that.” I told him, smiling. He leaned down to kiss me. I kissed him back and didn’t let go.

 

“I love you.” He said when he finally broke the kiss.

 

“I love you too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My next one will also be based off a suggestion. If you have any suggestions, leave them in the comments! :)


	9. You & I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off You & I by One Direction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to Jess for the suggestion to do something happier. Hope you like it!

_ I figured it out _

_ I figured it out from black and white  _

_ Seconds and hours  _

_ Maybe they had to take some time _

 

It would take time to fix this rift between Philip and I. It would take time to heal the wounds. But we were determined to do it. We had to. We loved each other too much to just give up. 

 

We decided this last night. I was sad and lonely and I climbed into his bed instead of mine. I had expected him to push me away, but he held me closer instead. We laid there for awhile and just talked. We decided we had to work this out. 

 

And this morning, I woke up in his arms. It’d been a long time since I’d done that. 

 

“Good morning, cabbage.” Philip said, as I opened my eyes. He gave me a kiss on the head. 

 

“Good morning.” I smiled. “How long have you been awake?”

 

“About an hour.” He told me. “But I didn’t want to wake you. So I laid here and held you and watched you sleep.” He tilted my head up to kiss me on the lips. 

 

“I love you.” I told him. 

 

“I love you too, Lilibet.” He ran one hand down my face. “You know, I noticed something this morning I hadn't noticed in a while.”

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“How beautiful you are.” 

 

_ I know how it goes _

_ I know how it goes for wrong and right _

_ Silence and sound _

_ Did they ever hold each other  _

_ Tight like us? _

_ Did they ever fight like us? _

 

“Come on.” Philip told me, getting out of bed. “Let’s get up.” 

 

“Do we have to?” I whined. I was quite content to just lay there in Philip's arms all morning. I just felt so peaceful. 

 

“Yes. Someone has queening to do.” Philip reminded me. Surprisingly, he didn’t sound bitter about it. 

 

“I suppose I do.” I said, getting out of his bed. 

 

“Come on.” Philip said. “Bobo’s probably wondering where you are. She’s not used to you sleeping in here.” 

 

‘I’m coming.” I walked over to him and he took me in his arms. He leaned down and kissed me. 

 

“I love you.”  

 

“I love you too.” I told him. “Will you be here when get back?”

 

“Yes.” He have a sly smile. “And I’ll have a surprise waiting for you.” He leaned down to kiss me again. 

 

I had a busy afternoon full of papers and meetings and phone calls. A typical day of “queening” as Philip would call it. It was boring, but I got through it and rushed back to Philip as fast as I could.

 

“Hello, darling.” Philip stood in the center of our favorite sitting room. He held a bouquet of roses in his hands. There was a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates on the table. 

 

“Is this for me?” I asked with a smile. 

 

“Yes.” He crossed the room to meet me. “There’s more too.” He gave me the roses and leaned down to kiss me. He led me to the couch and motioned for me to sit down. “I’ll be right back.” He came back a few minutes later with a vase filled with water and two wine glasses. He sat down next to me. I put the roses in the vase while Philip poured us each a glass of wine. He handed me one.

 

“So, in case you couldn't tell, I have a romantic evening planned for us.” Philip told me. “But first, we need to talk. More specifically, there’s something I need to tell you.” 

 

“Go on.” I smiled. He took a deep breath before starting.

 

“I know it hasn’t been easy lately. I know I haven’t been there for you like I should be. And I know I haven’t been helping you much. I’ve hurt you. And I’m sorry.” He told me.

 

“I forgive you.” I replied sincerely. “I haven’t exactly been a saint either. You’re not the only guilty party. We’re both to blame.” 

 

“It just seems like all we do is fight anymore.” Philip said. “Like our love is just a vicious battle neither of us can win. I don’t want it to be like this anymore.”

 

“I don’t either.” I leaned my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me. 

 

“How can we fix this?” Philip asked.

 

“We’ve been fighting the wrong thing.” I told him. “We’ve been fighting each other, but we aren’t the ones making each other miserable. It’s the Crown we have to battle. That’s what’s tearing us apart.”

 

“How can we beat that?”

 

“I don’t know if we can.” I admitted. “But if we fight it together, we at least stand a chance of making things right. Of not falling apart.” 

 

“How do we fight it?”

 

“We never let it get between us again. We hold each other tight. And never let go.”

 

_ You and I _

_ We don’t wanna be like them _

_ We can make it til’ the end _

_ Nothing can come between _

_ You and I _

 

For a minute, Philip just held me there like that. 

 

“I love you so much, Lilibet.” Philip whispered in my ear.

 

“I love you too.” He leaned forward to kiss me on the lips.

 

“Come on, love.” Philip said, getting off the couch. He took my hand to pull me up with him. “I have another surprise for you.” He led me to my dressing room. There was a box with a ribbon sitting on a chair. I picked it up. “Open it.” 

 

Inside was a beautiful red dress with white polkadots. Just like the one Philip had seen me looking at in a magazine. 

 

“It’s beautiful.” I told him. “Thank you.” 

 

“Well don’t just stand there looking at it.” Philip told me smiling. “Put it on.”

 

“Are we going somewhere?” I asked.

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Where?”

 

“It’s a surprise.” He told me. “Now put it on and let’s go.” 

 

I went behind the screen to change into the new dress. 

 

“Well, how do I look?” I asked as I came out. 

 

“Beautiful.” Philip wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me. “Absolutely beautiful. But, um, I know this request will sound a bit odd, but bear with me here. Could you possibly do your hair and makeup in way so that you’re a bit less, obviously you? I would like to make it through the night without being recognized.” 

 

“I’ll see what I can do.” I responded, wondering where he was taking me. “But it may take a few minutes.” 

 

I went to my vanity. I took my hair down and fixed it so that the curls hung looser. Then, I did my makeup. Not just my usual lipstick, but blush, eyeshadow, the whole nine yards. I used a bright red lipstick that I had stolen from Margaret. I’d never had a chance to wear it before now, but it matched the dress perfectly. I walked back to Philip with a smile. 

 

“Will this do?” I asked. He gasped when he saw me.

 

“You look amazing.” Philip kissed me on the cheek. “Now let’s go.”

 

As Philip lead me to the car, I felt hopeful. I felt like we really could work things out. Like we really could go back to the way we used to be, as much as possible anyway. Afterall, he hadn’t planned a romantic evening like this in years.

 

I felt like we could really do this. Like we were really holding on this time. And we were never letting go. 

 

_ Not even the gods above _

_ Could separate the two of us _

_ No, nothing can come between  _

_ You and I _

_ Oh, you and I  _

 

“Philip.” I said, unamused as he pulled up to a pub. “Is this your idea of a romantic night out with your wife?”

 

“Yes.” He responded, defensively. I just glared at him. “Oh, come on. You’ll have fun. I promise.” I sighed.

 

“Fine.” As we walked inside, I wondered what Philip’s motives were for bringing me here. After all, wasn’t this where he went to get drunk and cheat on me? Then again, what did I honestly think he would try right under my nose? Still, I wasn’t sure how much fun this would really be. 

 

“Darling, relax.” Philip said quietly as we walked in. He could tell I was uneasy. “You’ll have fun.” 

 

“I’ll try.” 

 

“Two beers.” Philip ordered when we sat down at the bar. “To us.” Philip toasted. 

 

“To us.” I smiled. 

 

When we finished our drinks, Philip took my hand and led me to the dance floor. 

 

“You’re not going to have another drink?” I asked, skeptically. 

 

“No.” He told me. “I’m not here to get drunk. I want to remember tonight.” 

 

The band started playing a slow song, and Philip pulled me close. I leaned my head on his shoulder.

 

“Lilibet,” Philip said quietly. “I know I haven't exactly been there for you these last few years. You needed me to hold you tighter, but I pushed you away. I really fucked it up. And I’m so sorry. But I promise, starting right here, right now, I’m going to change. I know it won’t be easy, but I love you so much, and I don’t want anything to come between us ever again.”

 

_ I figured it out _

_ Saw the mistakes of up and down _

_ Meet in the middle _

_ There’s always room for common ground _

 

Philip and I danced for about an hour. He was right, I did have fun. It felt like we were the happy, young couple we once were. Suddenly, he leaned down and kissed me. Hard. I kissed him back. It was the kind of make out session we had when we were younger. We didn’t care who saw us or what they had to say. It was like it was just the two of us on that dancefloor. When we finally pulled away, Philip had lipstick all over his face. I laughed.

 

“What’s so funny?” He asked.

 

“You have lipstick all over your face.”

 

“Oh, well just so you’re aware, it’s all over your face too.” He told me with a smile.

 

“I’ll go get some napkins.” I laughed. “Wait here for me.”

 

I went to the bar and grabbed a few napkins. 

 

“Having fun?” The bartender asked, with a knowing grin. I just laughed and walked away. 

 

“Thanks darling,” Philip said as we wiped each other’s mouths off. “Let’s go. This isn’t the only place I wanted us to go tonight.”

 

“Oh?” He took my hand and led me to the door. I felt a twinge of excitement as we got in the car. Philip had already done more for me tonight than he had in the past year. 

 

Philip drove us to a secluded park by a small lake. It was dark out so there was no one else there. 

 

“What are we doing here?” I asked.

 

“I just thought you might like this.” He explained as we got out of the car. “I knew you would have fun at the pub, but I also know you’re not one that typically enjoys crowded, noisy places. I figured you might enjoy a romantic walk through an empty park.” 

 

“How kind of you to consider what I like too.” I remarked, somewhat bitter. I knew it wasn’t the kindest thing to say, but it was true. He sighed.

 

“I know I haven’t been very good at that lately.”

 

“To be fair, neither of us have.” I reached for his hand. I didn’t want to put all the blame on his shoulders. After all, he didn’t ruin our marriage by himself. We had both done that. And it would take both of us to fix it. 

 

Philip and I sat under a tree, overlooking the lake. It looked so pretty at night. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me. For awhile, we just sat there in silence. Suddenly, I felt him start to cry.

 

“Philip, what’s wrong?” I asked, wiping the tears from his face.

 

“I’m sorry. I just want to fix this. I just want to put the past behind us and start over.” He told me.

 

“I wish we could just forget the past, but we can’t.” I explained. “We can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. We have to learn from our mistakes so we don’t make them again. It’s not going to be easy, but as long as we’re both willing to try, it’ll be okay.” 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.” I said, wrapping my arms around him. “Everything will work out. It has too.”

 

_ I see what it’s like _

_ I see what it’s like for day and night _

_ Never together _

_ ‘Cause they see things  _

_ Like us _

_ They never tried like us _

 

For awhile we just sat there, content to just be in each other's arms. I felt so peaceful. Like the battle between us was finally over. I could tell he felt the same.

 

Suddenly, Philip got up. He had that look on his face that told me he’d just gotten an idea.

 

“Let’s walk around a bit.” He suggested. He took my hand and helped me up. I had a feeling he had other ideas than just walking, but I didn't ask. If he had something else in store for me, I wanted to be surprised.  

 

He held my hand as we walked along the lake. We didn’t speak. We were happy just to be in each other’s company. Lost in our own thoughts.

 

I felt confident that we could really work this out. Philip was finally trying with me again, and he promised he would be there for me from now on. And I would try harder with him too. It wouldn't be easy. And it wouldn't happen over night. But we would get better. We were going to make it. 

 

_ You and I _

_ We don’t want to be like them _

_ We can make it ‘til the end _

_ Nothing can come between _

_ You and I _

 

“You know what?” Philip said, jolting me out of my thoughts. “Let’s go for a swim.”

 

“Here?” I was surprised by his suggestion. “In the lake?”

 

“Yeah.” He smiled. “Why not?”

 

“What are we supposed to swim in?”

 

“Nothing.” 

 

“We’re in public!” I protested.

 

“Lilibet, there’s no one here and there won’t be for hours. No one will see us.” I raised my eyebrow. “Come on. Please?”

 

“Fine.” I gave in. Philip and I ran walked to the edge of the lake and got undressed.

 

“Are you sure about this?” I asked, standing naked by the lake.

 

“Come on.” He said, getting in the lake. I sighed and followed him in. It was cold at first, but it felt nice once I got used to it. Philip smirked and splashed me. I squealed and splashed him back. He laughed and splashed me again. 

 

“Stop that!” I laughed. I lunged for him and he grabbed me and held me in his arms. He leaned down and kissed me. I kissed him back. Gradually the kiss got more passionate. He ran one hand down me until it was in between my legs. 

 

“In case you hadn’t guessed, I didn't want to come in here to swim.” He whispered. He rubbed me and I reached my hands down to return the favor, but he slapped my hand away. “Just relax and enjoy this.” He told me, slipping two fingers inside me.

 

When I finished, I collapsed against him. 

 

“I think it’s time to head home.” He told me. 

 

He took my hand and led me back to the shore. We dried off as best as we could and got dressed. As we went back to the car, I felt a feeling I hadn't felt in years. Pure bliss.

 

_Not even the gods above_

_Could separate the two of us_

 

As we drove back to the palace, I laid my head on Philip’s shoulder. 

 

“I told you you’d have fun.” Philip smiled.

 

“Thank you.” I told him. “For tonight.” 

 

“You’re welcome.” He replied. He seemed uncharacteristically shy. 

 

“Seriously.” I kissed his shoulder. “Tonight has been the best night I’ve had in years.”

 

“I’m glad.” He put one arm around me and pulled me closer to him. “It’s been the best night for me too.” 

 

“I love you.” 

 

“I love you too.” 

 

We didn’t say anything for the rest of the ride. It was like the rest of the world had faded away, and it was just us. We just sat in silence. Peaceful, beautiful, silence.

 

_ ‘Cause you and I  _

_ We don’t want to be like them _

_ We can make it til the end _

_ Nothing can come between you and I  _

 

When we got back to the palace, we went up to my bedroom. 

 

“Thanks again.” I told him. “For tonight.”

 

“Well it doesn't have to be over yet.” 

 

He took me in his arms and leaned down to kiss me. The kiss gradually grew more passionate and before I knew it, we were naked again. He gently pushed me on the bed

 

“Let me guess, you planned this too.” I laughed. 

 

“Maybe.”

 

When we made love this time, it was soft but still passionate. I honestly wasn’t sure of the last time we had made love before this, let alone twice in one night. In fact, I couldn't think of the last time Philip and I had done anything romantic, let alone all this in one night. It almost seemed surreal. Like it was all just a dream. But I was glad it wasn’t. 

 

When we finished, he rolled off me and held me in his arms. I laid my head on his chest, and for awhile, we just laid there in peace. 

“I love you.” He told me.

 

“I love you too.”

 

We didn't say anything else. Eventually, we drifted off to sleep.

 

_ Not even the gods above _

_ Could separate the two of us _

_ No, nothing can come between _

_ You and I  _

 

The next morning, I woke up in Philip’s arms, for the second day in a row. At this point, I was expecting him to wake up and start a fight. We’d gone too long without one.

 

But when he woke up, it was no less peaceful than when he was asleep. He didn’t start a fight. Instead, he looked down and smiled sweetly at me.

 

“Good morning, darling.” He gave me a kiss on the lips.

 

“Good morning.” 

 

“Do we have to get up now?” He asked, sounding disappointed. 

 

“Not yet.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek and laid my head back down on his chest. “Thanks again. For last night. It truly was the best night I’ve had in years.”

 

“I’m glad you enjoyed it cabbage.” He told me. “Something really felt different last night. It was something I hadn’t felt in a long time.”

 

“I just hope we can make that feeling last.” I remarked.

 

“We will.” He sounded confident. “We have to.”

 

_ You and I _

_ Oh, you and I _

_ We can make it if we try _

_ You and I _

_ Oh, you and I _

_ You and I _

 

We laid in bed as long as we possibly could, since I didn’t have anything urgent that morning. Philip was right. We would make that feeling last forever. We could never go back to the way we were. We had to fix this. From now on, we would be there for each other. We had to. We would make it through this.

 

“I love you.” He told me suddenly.

 

“I love you too.” I replied. “So much.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something very different and very crazy is brewing in my imagination for the next one, so stay tuned!
> 
> Also, if you have any suggestions leave them in the comments! :)


	10. Look What You Made Me Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Look What You Made Me Do by Taylor Swift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dream since I decided I wanted to become a writer has always been to be a sci-fi/fantasy writer. For awhile I've been wanting to do a fanfic where Elizabeth has magical powers. It took me awhile to decide on a song for it. When I first heard LWYMMD, I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but then I listened to it again and it suddenly reminded me of the show and I realized that it would be perfect for what I wanted to do with this one. 
> 
> Elizabeth's powers are telekinesis and the power to control the elements. She's basically like a cross between Eleven from Stranger Things and Lena from Beautiful Creatures. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! :)

_ Prologue _

_ 7 February, 1952 _

 

I waited anxiously to see my grandmother. It was the day after Papa’s death. Normally the ceremony was performed immediately after the death of the former monarch, but because I was in Kenya when it happened, I couldn’t receive my powers until after I returned.

 

“Queen Mary will see you now, Your Majesty.” Her equerry told me, opening the door to the grand room in Buckingham Palace where the ceremony would be performed. There was a throne in the center of the room. My grandmother stood in front of it, holding an orb and sceptre. Not the ones used in the coronation. Those were just for show, symbolic rather than truly powerful. The ones in this ceremony would give me my powers. The powers of the monarch included telekinesis and the power to control the elements and the weather. I took a deep breath and entered the room. I was nervous, but I tried to look confident.

 

As the eldest member of the royal family, my grandmother would perform the ceremony. The only other people in the room were Mummy, Margaret, and Philip, as witnesses.

 

“Lilibet.” She greeted me. “Please sit.” She gestured to the throne. As I sat down, I felt the weight of the world fall onto my shoulders. Countless kings and queens had had their powers bestowed on them in this very chair. My grandmother handed me the orb and sceptre. 

 

“Repeat after me.” My grandmother commanded. I was focused on her, but I could feel the stare of every eye on the room burning into me. “I, Elizabeth Alexandra Mary.”

 

“I, Elizabeth Alexandra Mary.”

 

“Do accept my position as monarch and willingly become Queen Elizabeth II.” 

 

“Do accept my position as monarch and willingly become Queen Elizabeth II.” I repeated.

 

“And therefore accept the great power and responsibility that comes with that position.”   

 

I repeated her words, trying to seem confident and composed.

 

“I solemnly swear that I will use my powers only to protect my country in times of great trouble, and will not use them to settle petty arguments or exact revenge.”

 

As I finished the oath, the orb and sceptre glowed in my hands. I felt a rush of power flow through me. Philip, Margaret, and Mummy all gasped, but my grandmother showed no reaction. Just looked at me with the same ice cold stare. 

 

“You are now granted the full powers of the monarch. Use them wisely.” 

 

_ I don’t like your little games _

_ Don't like your tilted stage _

_ The role you made me play _

_ Of the fool, no, I don’t like you _

 

Margaret had asked to see me today. I felt so bad about what happened to her and Peter, but what other choice did I have. I couldn't let her marry him, as much as I wanted to. I just couldn't. 

 

I told Margaret she could come over for tea. She walked in the door, with a sly smile on her face. She had an envelope on her hands. She sat down in the chair across from me. 

 

“Hello, you,” I told her with a smile. I at least had to try to act normal. 

 

“Hello….you.” She responded, sounding a little bitter.

 

“What’s in there?” I asked, gesturing toward the envelope. 

 

“You’ll see.” Margaret smiled. “In fact, it's what I came to talk to you about.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“You have denied me the man I love.”

 

“Margaret, I,” she cut me off.

 

“And so cruelly. Sending him away for two years, promising that when he returned, we could get married. Only to return and find out that we still couldn't.”

 

“Margaret, nobody told me about the second part of the Royal Marriages Act. I didn't know.”

 

“Bullshit.” She spat. “You knew and hid it from me. Because you wanted to see me suffer. Because you still can’t stand that I was Papa’s favorite. You can’t deal with the fact that he loved me more than you.” 

 

That hurt. Deep down, I knew she was right about Papa, but that had nothing to do with Peter. 

 

“Margaret, you’re being ridiculous.” 

 

“Am I?” Margaret asked incredulously. “Then why did you hide it from me?”

 

“I didn’t!” I defended. “Mummy and Tommy Lascelles were the ones that knew. They hid it from you, not me.” 

 

“You’re lying. But I decided that I had to get revenge. Since you have already married the man you love, I cannot deny you him.” 

 

“Margaret,” I interrupted again.

 

“But I can reveal to you, what he’s really out there doing every night. What really goes on with the Thursday club.” 

 

I felt a sense of dread wash over me. I had suspected he was cheating for some time, but I wasn't sure I really wanted to know. I took a breath to steady myself as she continued.

 

“Philip, as you may have guessed, is cheating on you.” I flinched. “With many different women. Singers, actresses, and aristocratic women mostly. And you may know that the Thursday club is fond of house parties. Well, those parties are full of women. You can imagine what they do with them.”

 

“You have no proof.” I responded desperately, praying that envelope wasn't full of proof.

 

“Or do I?” Margaret laughed, passing me the envelope. “Open it.”

 

I opened it. It was full of exactly what I feared. Seven pictures of Philip kissing, touching, and in one picture actually sleeping with, other women. 

 

“Where did you get these?” I asked, starting to cry. I felt a raindrop land on my head. 

 

“A friend.” Margaret responded, looking up at the ceiling. A few more raindrops fell from it. Margaret got up. “Well, I’m afraid I must go now. Bye Lilibet.” She left before I could respond.

 

I cried harder. It rained harder. That happened sometimes. I tried to control my powers, but sometimes, when I let my emotions get the best of me, I let my powers get the best of me too. So I curled up in the chair sobbing, while it poured down rain around me. 

 

I had never resented Margaret more that I did now. I hated her. Why did she show me these pictures? 

 

But I hated Philip even more than I suddenly hated Margaret. Afterall, he was the one in the pictures. I would get back at him for this. I had to. 

 

_ I don’t like your perfect crime _

_ How you laugh when you lie _

_ You said the gun was mine _

_ Isn’t cool, no, I don't like you  _

 

After I calmed down, I sat there for awhile, in my soaked dress in a soaked chair in a flooded room. I thought about what I was going to do. I decided that before I tried to get revenge, I would just confront him. That would be easier, right?

 

I went up to my room and changed into dry clothes before Philip got home. I wouldn't be pretending to sleep tonight. I stood in the doorway and waited. 

 

He came home earlier than usual and was surprisingly sober. 

 

“Lilibet?” He looked confused when he saw me. 

 

“Don’t call me Lilibet.” I told him, struggling to stay calm. “Just don’t.”

 

“What’s going on?” He asked, suddenly looking scared.

 

“I know what you’ve been doing.” I said. “I know everything.” 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You know exactly what I mean!” I yelled. “You’re cheating on me!”

 

“I’m not cheating on you.” He said defensively. “I would never cheat on you. If anything, you’re the one that’s cheating on me.”

 

“How dare you!” I screamed. “ I am not! I love you!” 

 

“No, you don’t.” He responded quietly, not meeting my eyes. “I don't know why I still love you.”

 

“If you love me, then explain these!” I handed him the pictures.

 

“Where did you get these?” 

 

“Margaret.” I told him.

 

“Well it’s not what you think. These pictures aren’t of me.” He tried to defend himself, but it was too late. I saw the guilt in his eyes.

 

“Bullshit!” I lost control again. Suddenly, he was pinned against the wall, paralyzed. “I know everything. Stop denying it.” I stopped my powers and he fell to the ground. He struggled to get up. 

 

“Fuck you.” He whispered. He turned around and staggered to his room.

 

I almost felt bad for him. I knew what I was capable of. I knew how much pain he was in. But he deserved it. Still, it wasn't enough. There was no way around it anymore. I had to get revenge. And I knew exactly how I’d do it.

 

_ But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time _

_ Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time _

_ I’ve got a list of names and yours is in red underlined _

_ I check it once, then I check it twice, oh  _

 

I picked up the phone and called Porchey. 

 

“Hello?” He answered.

 

“Porchey,” I was starting to get nervous. What would I say? How would I go about this? 

 

“Oh, hello Lilibet.”

 

“Um, you wouldn't happen to have any plans tonight, would you?” I asked

 

“No.” He responded, sounding confused. “Why?”

 

“Well, I was wondering if you might like to come over tonight.” I told him, trying not to sound like I was up to something. “I just wanted to spend some time together. I haven't had the chance to see you much lately.”

 

“I’d like that.” He said. 

 

“Great.” This would work. It had to. “Can you come at eight?”

 

“Um, sure.” 

 

“See you later.” I said as I hung up the phone.

 

As I waited for him to arrive, I sat on my bed and thought. Could I really go through with this? I was pretty sure Porchey would do it. Afterall, he was still in love with me. I knew he would do anything for me. But could I really take advantage of that for my own petty reasons? Yes. Of course I could. I had to get revenge and this was the only way I could do it without using my powers. I’d promised my grandmother that I would never use my powers to solve petty drama or get revenge and I intended to keep that promise. 

 

Porchey arrived just before eight. I greeted him at the door and led him up to my bedroom. I left the door open a crack. I sat on the bed and he sat down next to me. I moved closer until our legs were touching.

 

“So what did you want to do tonight?” He asked.

 

“I don't know.” I said, running a hand up his thigh. He raised an eyebrow.

 

“Are you sure?” He asked, somewhat suggestively. “Because it seems to me that you have something in mind.”

 

“Maybe I do.” I climbed into his lap and kissed him. He kissed back, startled. I ran my hands up his chest and took off his jacket. His hands instinctively moved to unbutton my dress, but he broke the kiss slightly.

 

“Lilibet, what are you doing?” He asked against my lips.

 

“Shh.” I wriggled out of my dress to speed things up. I kissed him again, harder this time, as I unbuttoned his shirt. I kept kissing him as we undressed each other. Every time he opened his mouth to question me, I kissed him again. 

 

“Lilibet, are you sure about this?” He managed to ask as I pushed him back on my bed. We were totally naked. “Do you really want to do this?” 

 

“Yes,” I said as I leaned down to nibble his earlobe. “And I know you do too.”

 

“I mean, yes, but,” I cut him off with another kiss. 

 

“Then what’s the problem?” 

 

He finally gave in. I rolled us over so he would be on top. I wanted to be able to watch the open door. I tried not to close my eyes too much so I could see. Right before we finished, I saw exactly what i wanted to see. Philip stood outside the door watching, with a look of pure jealousy. 

 

_ Ooh, look what you made me do _

_ Look what you made me do _

_ Look what you just made me do _

_ Look what you just made me _

 

Philip walked away before Porchey could see him. Porchey stayed the night and left the next morning. Thankfully, he hadn’t seemed to realize that it was a revenge plot. It was Philip I wanted to hurt, not Porchey.

 

Not long after he left, Philip reappeared in my doorway. I was almost amused by how angry he looked.

 

“What the hell did I see last night?” He asked. I could tell he was struggling to stay calm. I smirked.

 

“Exactly what you think you saw.” Tears of rage welled up in his eyes.

 

“Why?” He yelled. “Why would you hurt me like that? You intentionally made sure I saw it.”

 

“Now you know how it feels.” I retorted. “Now you’ve felt the same hurt you’ve caused me.”

 

“You know what, fine!” He snapped. “Why even bother denying it anymore? I’ve cheated on you. Many times. But don’t act like you’ve been some kind of saint. Don’t act like that was the first time you’ve slept with him.”

 

“Actually, it was.” I told him. “I did it for revenge. If I hadn’t found out about you, I never would’ve done it.”

 

“Bullshit.” He spat. 

 

“You know what? Fine. Don’t believe me.” I responded. “It’s pointless to keep trying. If you won’t listen to me, just leave.” 

 

He didn’t say anything else. He just walked out. I didn’t try to stop him. If he wasn’t going to listen, I couldn’t make him. Pinning him to the wall wouldn’t make him believe me. It wouldn’t make him understand why I did what I did. I couldn’t make him get it if he didn’t want to. 

 

But I still felt satisfied. I had done what I wanted to do. I had hurt him the same we he had hurt me. And that was all I’d wanted to do.

 

_ Ooh, look what you made me do _

_ Look what you made me do _

_ Look what you just made me do _

_ Look what you just made me do _

 

I sat down on my bed and thought. And the more I thought about it, the less satisfied I was. Yes, I had hurt him, but that wouldn’t help things. That wasn’t going to stop him from cheating. That wouldn’t make him love me again. If anything, it would just make things worse.

 

The more I thought about it, the more angry I became. Angry with myself, angry with him. I saw a picture of Philip and I on my nightstand, and without lifting a finger, I set it on fire. I focused my power solely on the picture, so I wouldn’t lose control and burn the whole room down. And I watched it burn. The more I watched, the angrier I got. One by one, every picture of us burst into flames. I kept getting angrier, but there were no pictures left to burn. So I focused my powers elsewhere. Suddenly, the windows shattered. And so did my mirror. I screamed. Everything stopped. 

 

And I was just left sitting alone in my room, surrounded by glass and ashes. 

 

_ I don’t like your kingdom keys _

_ They once belonged to me _

_ You asked me for a place to sleep _

_ Locked me out and threw a feast _

 

The next morning, I didn’t see Philip at all. I didn’t see him until late that afternoon. Actually I heard him. As I was walking back to my room after an audience with the prime minister, I heard voices coming from his study. I stopped outside the door to listen. 

 

“I have to do something.” I heard him say angrily. “I can’t let her get away with what she’s done to me.”

 

“And you shouldn’t let her get away with it.” It was Margaret. “I gave her those pictures to hurt her, to get back at her for what she did to me and Peter, but I see that didn’t go as intended. She used them to hurt you.”

 

“What do you think we should do to her?” He asked. 

 

“I don’t think we should do anything to her.” Margaret responded. “I think we should do something to him.” 

 

“Him?” He sounded confused. “Oh. You mean Porchey?” I gasped.

 

“Yes.”

 

“And what do you suggest we do to him?”

 

“Kill him.” 

 

“Margaret, are you sure about this?” To my relief, Philip sounded reluctant. 

 

“Think about it. Killing her best friend since childhood would hurt her worse than anything we could do to her.” Margaret explained.

 

“But isn’t he one of your best friends too?” 

 

“It’s worth it.” She stated confidently. 

 

“But we can’t kill him ourselves.” Philip argued. I prayed she wouldn’t convince him to go through with it. 

 

“Oh don’t worry about that.” I could hear the smirk in her voice. “I’m sure I can find someone to do it.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes. So, do you want to do it?” He was silent for a moment. 

 

“Yes.” I felt my heartbeat out of my chest. 

 

“Great!” Margaret giggled. “I’ll tell you when it’s done. Hopefully within 24 hours.”

 

I ran as fast as I could back to my room.

 

“I swear to god, if anything happens to him, I’ll kill them.” I whispered to myself. I sat at my vanity, trying to calm myself down enough to think rationally, but I was panicking. I ran to the phone. I had to call him. 

 

I dialed his number, but there was no answer. I realized he had been at the stables and likely wasn’t home yet. I laid down on my bed and cried. I couldn’t let anything happen to Porchey. I just couldn’t.

 

_ The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama _

_ But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma  _

 

About an hour later, I called him again.  This time, he answered.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Porchey.” 

 

“Lilibet? Is something wrong?” He asked.

 

“You need to leave. You’re in danger.” I told him frantically.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Margaret and Philip,” I tried to explain. “They’ve hired someone to kill you. You have to leave. Leave the city, leave the country. Get as far away as you can. You’re in danger!”

 

“What’s going on? Why,” he cut himself off. “Hey! Who are you?” He shouted. “Get out of here!” I heard a gunshot. I screamed. Then I heard heavy breathing on the other end.

 

“He’s dead.” Growled an unfamiliar voice. It hung up. 

 

_ And then the world moves on, but one thing’s for sure _

_ Maybe I got mine, but you’ll all get yours  _

 

I sat on my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. They wouldn’t get away with this, I would make sure of that. 

 

His fiancée found his body. His death was ruled a suicide. I knew differently, but I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to make a scandal. I had to get my revenge much more privately. 

 

Over the next week, I spent a lot of time crying and plotting revenge. 

 

Porchey’s funeral was hard. I tried to hold in my tears, but I couldn’t. My best friend since childhood was dead. My own husband and sister had him killed. And to an extent, it was my fault. 

 

After the funeral, Mummy came to see me. 

 

“Lilibet,” she started. “I know that this has been hard for you, but you need to get ahold of yourself. You’re the Queen, you can’t be seen crying in public.”

 

“Mummy,” I argued. “He was my best friend. He, he loved me. And, to an extent, I loved him too.”

 

“Well, maybe if you’d figured that out years ago, this wouldn’t have happened.” She remarked rudely. 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She couldn’t possibly know he was dead now because I slept with him, could she? As far as she knew, he killed himself. 

 

“You know exactly what that means.” She retorted. “You should’ve listened to me then.”

 

Did she think that he killed himself over me? Because I didn’t marry him? That was ridiculous. And yet, I was the reason he was dead. Just not in the way she thought. 

 

Mummy left without another word. I was so angry at her. How cold could she be? Not only did she tell me to just get over his death, she told me it was my fault. The fact that it was made it hurt worse. 

 

I wonder what she would say if she knew Margaret and Philip had Porchey killed? Probably nothing. She would probably still say it was my fault. 

 

Mummy’s visit ignited a new anger, a new fire in me. Porchey shouldn’t be dead. They wouldn’t get away with this.

 

_ But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time _

_ Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time _

_ I’ve got a list of names and yours is in red underlined  _

_ I check it once, then I check it twice, oh! _

 

I spent the next week carrying out small acts of revenge on Margaret and Philip. 

 

One day, I invited Margaret over for tea. Neither of us spoke about Porchey’s death or the events that lead up to it. We awkwardly tried to avoid the topic, but you could cut the tension with a knife. 

 

“I guess you must be lonely here, all day,” Margaret remarked suddenly. “It must get boring without a friend here to talk to.” She smirked and poured herself another cup of tea. 

 

I smirked back and knocked the teapot from her hands. Hot tea spilled all over her. She shrieked. 

 

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry,” I said, feigning horror. “I don’t know how that happened.” 

 

“I have to go home and change.” She said, rushing out the door. I laughed.

 

The next morning, I sat with Philip at the breakfast table. He was reading the sports pages of a newspaper. 

 

“Nefarious won the race yesterday.” He told me, even though he knew I watched it. “Speaking of which, who is going to help you run the stables now that, you know,” 

 

Suddenly, the paper was ablaze in his hands. I walked out as he panicked. 

 

Margaret and Philip were trying to add insult to injury. Well I had news for them, they were the only ones getting injured. 

 

_ Ooh, look what you made me do  _

_ Look what you made me do  _

_ Look what you just made me do _

_ Look what you just made me _

 

The next day, I was walking back to my room after a meeting with Michael Adeane, when I heard giggling coming from Philip’s room. I stopped in my tracks.

 

“Oh come on,” It was Margaret again. “You know you want to.” 

 

What the hell was she doing now? I took off my shoes and tiptoed to the door. It was open, but I hid against the wall so I could see them but they couldn’t see me. Philip’s shirt was unbuttoned and Margaret’s hand was on his crotch, massaging him. He was leaned against his bed, moaning in pleasure. 

 

“You’re right,” he said. “I do want to.” He slid a hand up her dress. She gasped and fell against him. He kissed her, harder and more passionately than he’d kissed me in months. They undressed each other as they made out. I could feel my anger rising as I watched them. When she pushed him on the bed and climbed on top of him, I started to cry. 

 

I knew why they were doing this. They had left the door open with the intent of me seeing, just like I had done to Philip. But wasn’t murder revenge enough? Did they have to pour salt in that wound at every turn? Did they have to pull shit like this too? 

 

Suddenly, Philip looked at the door, and for a split second, we made eye contact. He smirked. That was it. I snapped. All the windows in the room shattered. Margaret screamed as a shard stuck in her side. The bed burst into flames. They fell out of it in panic. As they tried to help each other off the floor, the ceiling came crashing down around them. 

 

As the dust settled and the flames went out, I ran away as fast as I could. I went to my room and locked the door. I collapsed on my bed and sobbed. Fuck them. How could they? As if they hadn’t hurt me enough already. I had never hated them like I hated them then. I had never hated anyone like I hated them then. If they weren’t done getting their revenge, I wouldn’t be done getting mine. 

 

_ Ooh, look what you made me do  _

_ Look what you made me do _

_ Look what you just made me do  _

_ Look what you just made me do _

 

Margaret and Philip had minor cuts and burns, but they would be okay. Sadly. It would take time to fix Philip’s room though. I didn’t know where he was going to sleep, but it sure as hell wasn’t with me. 

 

The next afternoon, I got a phone call from Mummy. 

 

“Elizabeth,” I could tell she was mad at me, because she used my full name. “You could’ve seriously injured Margaret and Philip.”

 

“I didn’t.” I argued.

 

“But you wanted to.” She retorted. “Because you’re a twisted, sadistic, psychotic, bitch.” 

 

“Excuse me?” Did my own mother just call me a psychotic bitch? 

 

“I don’t know how I managed to raise such an awful daughter.” She commented.

 

“I suppose you’d rather I be a whore like Margaret.” 

 

“Margaret is a free spirit. You’ve never understood her, you’ve never even tried. You’ve just always been bitter because you think you’re better than her and you don’t understand why she was your father’s favorite. And why she’s my favorite. If you don’t get it now, you never will. I will never understand where we went wrong in raising you, or why you grew up to be like this. But I can’t deal with you anymore.”

 

I was in tears by the end of her rant, but she could never know that.

 

“Fuck you!” I yelled, slamming the phone down. 

 

I’d spent my whole life trying to win my mother’s favor. But I realized at that moment, I never would. And I didn’t want to. If she wanted to shut me out, fine. I was done with her. 

 

_ I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me _

_ I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams _

_ I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me _

_ I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams  _

 

I just couldn’t stand it anymore. My mother, sister, and husband had all turned against me. Betrayed me. And the one person that had always been there for me was dead. At their hands. 

 

The more I thought about my conversation with Mummy, the angrier I got. She didn’t even care that Margaret and Philip had betrayed me. She didn’t care that my best friend was dead. She called me a psychotic bitch. 

 

Suddenly, I felt the need to get revenge on her too. And I knew what I’d do. I smiled. The best part of my plan was that it would affect Margaret too. 

 

I closed my eyes and pictured Clarence House, their home. I shut everything else out of my mind. If I was going to pull this off, I needed complete focus. It would take every ounce of my power I had. I wasn’t even sure I could do it, but I had to try. As the picture entered my mind, I could see Margaret and Mummy inside. Mummy was looking at a scratch in Margaret’s back. I realized that I was actually watching them. I didn’t even know I could do that. I channeled my powers, and suddenly, I saw water on the floor, and raining from the ceiling. The water grew until it flooded the whole first floor of the house. Margaret and Mummy ran upstairs to the second floor. I tried to make the water rise with them, but I could only make it halfway up the stairwell. I was exhausted. This was an incredibly challenging thing to do, especially considering how much I’d used my powers recently. My head ached and I started to get light headed. I had to stop. As the vision of Clarence House faded, I saw the water receding, and I caught a glimpse of the damage I’d done. 

 

I smiled weakly. Then I blacked out. 

 

_ I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me _

_ I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams _

_ I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me _

_ I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams  _

 

I had a dream. Queen Mary stood in front of me. She had a stern look on her face.

 

“Lilibet, you have broken the sacred oath you took when you received your powers.” She told me.

 

“What do you mean?” I asked, pretending not to realize.

 

“You promised never to use your powers to get revenge or solve petty drama. But you have. Over and over again.” She snapped.

 

“But they killed Porchey!” I argued.

 

“I don’t care what they did,” she said. “There were ways to get revenge without using your powers. And once you used them, you couldn’t stop. It has gotten out of hand. You have destroyed the first floor of an important royal household and countless artifacts along with it. Not to mention you could’ve drowned your mother and sister. After you’ve already tried to kill her, and your husband, before.”

 

“I’m sorry, but I,” I tried to defend myself, but I stopped. I didn’t care anymore. 

 

Suddenly, I saw someone else behind her. It was Porchey. I got up and walked to him. He didn’t say anything. Just smiled and took me in his arms. I hugged him tightly and cried. I looked behind me. Queen Mary was gone. It was just the two of us. I held on for as long as I could. 

 

But eventually, I snapped awake. Porchey was gone and I was sitting alone again. The phone was ringing. I got up and answered it. 

 

“Lilibet!” It was Mummy. She was crying. “I didn’t realize when I lost your father that I would lose a daughter too. I’m sorry about everything that’s happened. But I just want the old Elizabeth back.”

 

_ “I’m sorry, the old Elizabeth can’t come to the phone right now. _

_ Why? _

_ Oh, ‘cause she’s dead” _

 

I hung up. 

_ Ooh, look what you made me do _

_ Look what you made me do _

_ Look what you just made me do _

_ Look what you just made me  _

 

I didn’t care what Mummy had to say anymore. I felt like I had my revenge on her. Now I could just shut her out and move on with my life. Focus on Margaret and Philip. I had a feeling they weren’t done yet.

 

And I couldn’t care less what Queen Mary said. I did at first, but when I saw Porchey, I realized I was doing what I had to do. They wouldn’t get away with killing him, or anything else. I would make sure of that.

 

_ Ooh, look what you made me do  _

_ Look what you made me do _

_ Look what you just made me do  _

_ Look what you just made me do  _

 

That night, I was awoken by whispering. I kept my eyes closed and pretended to still be asleep. 

 

“I can’t do this,” It was Philip. 

 

“You have to.” Margaret. “We have to put an end to this madness. This is the only way.” 

 

“Then why don’t you do it?” Philip asked. 

 

“Why can’t you?” She sneered back. “Are you scared or something?”

 

“I can’t kill her.” Were they planning to kill me? I was panicking but I made sure to keep still. 

 

“Why not?” Margaret asked.

 

“I love her.” There were tears in his voice. 

 

“Fine.” Margaret snapped. “Then I’ll do it. Give me the knife.” 

 

Shit. Before I could do anything, I felt a knife enter my abdomen. I screamed and sat up. The knife flew from my stomach and into the wall. Blood gushed from my abdomen and on the bed sheets. Margaret ran, but Philip stayed. 

 

“Oh my god,” He whispered. “I’m sorry. I love you.” He tried to sit down next to me, but I pushed him away. 

 

“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have let her do it.” 

 

“At least let me call a doctor or something.” 

 

“Fine.” I really had no choice if I wanted to live. 

 

I made Philip leave when the doctor came, but I didn’t tell him what really happened. I told him I tripped while carrying the knife and fell on it. If he doubted my story, he didn’t say anything. When the doctor left, Philip tried to come back to my room. 

 

“Get out.” I told him.

 

“But Lilibet,”

 

“Get out!” I never wanted to speak to him again. He had let my sister try to kill me. In fact, the only reason he didn’t stab me himself was because he chickened out. And if Margaret and Philip didn’t already regret it, they were certainly about to. 

 

_ Ooh, look what you made me do _

_ Look what you made me do _

_ Look what you just made me do  _

_ Look what you just made me do  _

 

The next day, I invited Margaret over for tea. But I had no intention of giving her tea. Instead, I was going to give her what she deserved. 

 

Margaret walked in the room looking nervous. I smirked. She had no idea what she was in for. 

 

“Hello,” she greeted me anxiously.

 

“Hello,” I stood up to meet her. 

 

“What’s all this about?” She asked. 

 

“I know what you did.” 

 

“What are you talking about?” 

 

“You stabbed me.” A look of guilt and fear flashed across her face. “You tried to kill me. Well now it’s your turn.”

 

“My turn to what?” 

 

“To almost die.” I smirked. She went up in flames. She screamed. I made sure not to look at her face. I didn’t want to see it contorted in pain. I wasn’t that sadistic. 

 

I could feel the heat from the flames. I could smell burning flesh. And worst of all, I could hear her screams. I shut my eyes and tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. I only let it go on for about twenty seconds. I couldn't take it. 

I opened my eyes and let water rush over her, putting out the fire. She fell to the ground and cried. She was badly burned, but she would be okay. I hadn’t let it go on very long. Still, I sank to the floor and cried. I felt horrible. I called the doctor. I wasn’t sure what I would tell him, but I had to get her treated. 

 

I left when the doctor came. I don’t know what Margaret told the doctor, but I didn’t go to prison so it obviously wasn’t the truth. She would be alright, thank God. But I wasn’t sure if I would be.

 

_ Ooh, look what you made me do  _

_ Look what you made me do  _

_ Look what you just made me do  _

_ Look what you just made me do  _

 

Later that night, Philip came to my room. 

 

“So, I hear the psychopath struck again today.” 

 

“Shut up.” 

 

I didn’t meet his eyes. But I didn’t want revenge anymore. I was so sick of everything. He sat down on the bed next to me and sighed.

 

“Honestly, what is wrong with you?” He asked. 

 

“She tried to kill me.” I defended weakly. 

 

“She stabbed you, she didn’t set you on fire.” He retorted.

 

“What’s the difference? She still intended for me to die.” I pointed out.

 

“I wish you had.” He whispered, turning away.

 

“What was that?”

 

“You heard me.” He was in tears. “We would all be better off if you were dead.” 

 

I couldn’t stop myself. I flung him against the wall and pinned him there.

 

“And this is why.” He continued. “You’re a psychopath. You’re a cold, heartless bitch. And furthermore, you’re a slag, and a hypocrite. You’re a terrible wife, a terrible sister, a terrible mother, a terrible daughter, a terrible queen, and a terrible queen.”

 

I started bawling. I didn’t want to, but I started crushing him. All the force of my powers bore down on him. And I couldn’t stop it. How could I control my powers when I couldn’t control my emotions? 

 

Why was I like this? Philip cried out in pain. I wanted to stop it, but I couldn’t. I had lost my mind. Philip was right. I was all of those things he said. And I should’ve died. But he was the one dying. 

 

I fell to the ground and screamed. Suddenly, my powers weren’t being directed outward anymore. They were being directed inward. I was crushing myself. I closed my eyes and writhed in pain. 

 

“Lilibet,” came Philip’s half-conscious voice. “What are you doing?” I opened one eye just enough to see him weakly crawling toward me. “Stop.”

 

I couldn’t stop. I was killing myself. I could feel myself being crushed under the force of my powers. I screamed, but it didn’t stop. Maybe it was for the best. Afterall, everyone would be better off if I died. 

 

“Elizabeth, whatever you’re doing, please stop.”  Philip begged. “I’m sorry. I really do love you.” I could hear the tears in his voice. I vaguely felt him lay down and wrap his arms around me.

 

It went on for what seemed like an eternity. It was the worst pain imaginable. But eventually, I felt myself weaken. And suddenly, I went limp. And everything went black.

 

I opened my eyes to see Philip kneeling beside me. He was sobbing.

 

“Oh, thank God, you’re alive!” He lifted me in his lap and held me in his arms.

 

“I thought you wanted me dead.” I said weakly. 

 

“No.” He whispered. “I would never want that.” 

 

“None of us do.” It was Margaret. She stood in the doorway. She had visible burns, but it wasn’t near as bad as I thought it would be.

 

“Margaret,” I stood up to hug her. “I’m so sorry.” 

 

“I forgive you.” She told me. “We’ve all done wrong here.”

 

“We’ll all forgive each other.” Philip said standing up. “It’s forgiving ourselves that will be hard.” 

 

“I will never forgive myself.” I said. “But I forgive you. Somehow.”

 

“I don’t know how.” Margaret replied. “We’re literally responsible for Porchey’s death.” 

 

“I find peace knowing that we’ll see him again.” I told her. And I knew it was true. I saw him myself. 

 

“I do too.”

 

We stood there for awhile and talked. Philip was right. We forgave each other. But we couldn’t quite forgive ourselves. I wasn’t sure we ever would.

 

Later that night, I called Mummy and talked things out with her too. And for the first time in a long time, I slept well that night. Because I realized that I’d never wanted revenge at all. All I wanted was peace. And now I had it. And that felt better than anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m probably done taking song requests, I have the last few planned out. My next one will be the last request. I will still take requests for characters or situations you would like to see though, so please leave those in the comments! 
> 
> Also, after the request, I want to do a Beatles song, because I’ve been wanting to do something that sort of goes with the period. I’m debating between We Can Work It Out And You’ve Really Got a Hold On Me. And then For the final one I’m debating between Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato and Be Alright by Ariana Grande. So if you have an opinion on either of those please leave that in the comments as well! Thanks! :)


	11. Photograph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Photograph by Ed Sheeran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to nolafangirl for the song suggestion and for the suggestion for part of it to be set at Balmoral. Also, S/O to Lily for the suggestion to do one with Charles and Anne it it. Hope you like it!

**Elizabeth's POV:**

_ Loving can hurt _

_ Loving can hurt sometimes  _

_ But it’s the only thing that I know _

 

Philip and I boarded the Royal Train with Charles and Anne. We were headed up to Balmoral for a couple weeks. It would be our last chance to spend some time as a family before Philip left on his trip to Australia. 

 

Charles and Anne laughed and played like nothing was wrong, but Philip and I were silent. We’d had an awkward confrontation before we left the Palace.

 

“Philip, let’s go.” I had told him. He was dragging his feet to leave the Palace.

 

“Why?” He was bitter. 

 

“Philip we go to Balmoral every year, why are you throwing a fit about it now?” 

 

“I don’t want to spend two weeks with your mother and some stuffy distant relatives.” I sighed.

 

“It’s our last chance to spend some time together as a family before you leave.” 

 

“Like you care.” He retorted. “You never want to spend time with me. That’s why you’re sending me away.”

 

“Don’t be like that.” I reached out to take his hand but he pulled it away. 

 

“Don’t act like that’s not true.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes. “You want me gone.”

 

“No I don’t.” I argued. “I’ll miss you. I love you.”

 

“No you don’t.” He muttered. He just left. 

 

I sat down next to him on the train. I laid my head on his shoulder. He tensed up, but he didn’t push me away. Eventually he relaxed and put an arm around me. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t stop thinking. 

 

I was worried Philip hated me. And he thought I hated him. I didn’t. I loved him more than anything. And I prayed to god he still loved me too. 

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ When it gets hard _

_ You know it can get hard sometimes  _

_ It is the only thing that makes us feel alive  _

 

I looked out the train window with Elizabeth in my arms. Her eyes were closed but she didn’t seem asleep. 

 

I felt bad about earlier. I loved her, and I knew she loved me. I was just hurt by her sending me away. Somewhere deep down, I was aware it wasn’t her idea and that she didn’t want me gone. But that part of me was often buried by my pride. And my pride was wounded. As it had often been in the past. 

 

I kissed Elizabeth on the head. She moved closer to me, but didn’t open her eyes. I looked across the aisle at Charles and Anne. They were playing with toy airplanes. I smiled. They were so cute. I would miss them while I was gone. 

 

Suddenly, I felt Elizabeth stir in my arms. She sat up, but I kept one arm around her. I kissed her on the cheek. 

 

“You’re awake.” 

 

“I was never asleep. I tried but I couldn’t stop thinking.” She told me.

 

“Me either.” I said. “I’m sorry. About earlier.” She leaned her head on my shoulder again.

 

“I forgive you.” 

 

“We only have two weeks to figure this out before I leave.” 

 

“Figure what out?” She asked.

 

“Our marriage.” I told her. “If we can’t figure this out before I leave, we never will. If we haven’t fixed this by the time I leave, we’ll just fall apart.”

 

“We can fix it.” She sounded confident.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“We have to.” She told me. “I love you.” I kissed her on the lips.

 

“I love you too.”

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ We keep this love in a photograph  _

_ We made these memories for ourselves  _

_ Where our eyes are never closing  _

_ Hearts are never broken  _

_ Time’s forever frozen still  _

 

When we arrived at Balmoral, Mummy and Margaret greeted us at the door. The rest of the train ride had gone peacefully. We slept most of the way there. 

 

After we finished greeting each other, we went to a sitting room. The extended family wouldn’t arrive until tomorrow. The children played while the rest of us chatted awkwardly. I hadn’t exactly been on great terms with anyone lately. 

 

After about an hour, we were told it was time for dinner. As we went to the dining room, I stopped Mummy. I took a camera out of my bag. I had taken that and the video camera Papa gave me so that I could capture some memories to keep while Philip was gone. 

 

“Mummy, could you take a picture of us?” I handed her the camera.

 

Philip put his arm around me and I leaned my head on his shoulder. We smiled and Mummy snapped the picture. It printed from the camera and we shook it. The picture turned out beautiful. Just from looking at it, we looked like the sweet, happy couple we were when we got married. You would never be able to tell the truth. You couldn’t see the fighting, the screaming, and the lying. You would never be able to tell that behind those smiles, lied two broken hearts. 

 

I knew I would cherish that photo for the rest of my life. I kept it in my bag the whole time we were at Balmoral. 

 

The next two weeks went by much faster than I wanted them to. Whenever Philip and I argued, which we did quite a bit, I would take out that picture, and it would remind me of how much we loved each other, even though he had usually stormed into another room by this point. 

 

It wasn’t all arguing. We had fun, playing with Charles and Anne, catching up with cousins and family friends. And Philip and I had our own fun together. We would take walks around the grounds and make out under trees. It reminded me of when we were teenagers. 

 

One night, as I was getting ready for bed, Philip burst into my room and kissed me passionately. He pushed me onto the bed and we made love. It was sweeter than it had been in months.

 

We had ups and downs at Balmoral, but the fact that there were slightly more ups than downs gave me hope. Hope that we could work this out. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure we could do it fast enough. 

 

The night before we left, I climbed into his bed and cried myself to sleep. He held me and tried to comfort me, but he knew why I was upset. This was the last night we would spend together for months, and we were both worried that this trip would ruin what little progress we had made. That it would deepen the divide that had developed between us, as hard as we had tried to close it. 

 

We were both teary eyed as we boarded the train to leave. When we returned to London, Philip would leave. But I took comfort in the fact that I would still have the memories we made at Balmoral to keep me company.

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ So you can keep me _

_ Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans _

_ Holding me closer ‘til our eyes meet _

_ You won’t ever be alone _

_ Wait for me to come home _

 

I tried not to cry as we got off the train in London, but it was hard. In a couple hours, I would be boarding a ship to Australia, and I wouldn’t see Elizabeth and the children again for five months. 

 

We went back to the Palace for a little bit before I left. Elizabeth and I went to the nursery to play with Charles and Anne. This was our last chance to spend time as a family before I left. 

 

We tried to have fun together, but there was sadness in the air. The children knew I was leaving, but they weren’t quite old enough to understand why. Which made everything worse. 

 

Too soon, Mike appeared in the doorway. 

 

“It’s time to go.” He informed me. 

 

“I’m sorry.” I told the children as I hugged them. “I love you. I’ll try to call you every chance I get.” 

 

“Bye Daddy.” Charles said, giving me a hug. He was crying. So was Anne.

 

After I hugged and kissed the children, I reluctantly followed Mike out of the room. Elizabeth came with me. At the door, she hugged me. She was crying. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her on the head.

 

“I wish you didn’t have to leave.” She told me. 

 

“So do I.” I told her. “But you’ll be okay.”

 

“But what about us?” She asked.

 

“We’ll be okay too. I promise.” I replied. “Do you still have that picture? From Balmoral?” She nodded and took it out of her purse. “Whenever you miss me, whenever you feel lonely, take it out. I’ll always be with you in your heart, even though I won’t really be here.”

 

She nodded and hugged me again. 

 

“I love you.” She told me. 

 

“I love you too.”

 

I wiped tears and kissed her. We held on to that kiss as long as we could. 

 

“Alright, lovebirds.” Mike interrupted suddenly. “It really is time to go.”

 

I kissed her once more. “Bye.” She told me sadly. 

 

“Bye.” I left sadly. I wished I didn’t have to leave. But everything would be alright. It had to be.

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ Loving can heal  _

_ Loving can mend your soul  _

_ And it’s the only thing that I know _

 

After Philip left, I went back to my room and cried. He hadn’t been gone an hour, probably hadn’t even let England yet, and I was already incredibly lonely. 

 

I took out the picture. I would miss seeing his beautiful face everyday, but at least I still had something. I held the picture to my chest and laid down on my bed. 

 

I worried that these next five months would ruin the progress we’d made in our marriage. But I had to push those thoughts to the back of my mind. I just had to believe that he would still love me when he came back. That we would still get through this. We couldn’t let our love die. 

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ I swear it will get easier _

_ Remember that with every piece of ya  _

_ And it’s the only thing we take with us when we die  _

 

My heart broke as I boarded the ship. I desperately didn’t want to go. I’d been dreaming of getting out of this since I found out about it. But it was really happening. And I hated it. But I didn’t hate Elizabeth for it like I once did. My love for her made me hate it more. 

 

The first few weeks were terrible. I couldn’t call or write to Elizabeth, as much as I wanted to. I was stuck on a ship to Australia. 

 

All I had to keep me company was Mike, and a picture of Elizabeth and me with the children that we had taken the day before we left Balmoral. 

 

“You look lonely.” Mike sat down next to me while I was looking out a window. It had been a week since we left London. “If it makes you feel better, we’re almost to Australia.”

 

“It doesn’t.” The boat wasn’t the problem. My problem was being away from them. 

 

“It’ll be alright.” He reassured me.

 

“How can you possibly know that?” 

 

“She loves you and you love her.” He said. 

 

“But what if it’s not the same when I get back?” I asked. “What if this trip ruins all the progress we made? What if we end up exactly how we were before we went to Balmoral? Or worse?” 

 

“You just have to have faith that everything will be fine.” I didn’t respond. He walked away, leaving me alone again. I ran a finger over the picture. 

 

“I love you.” I whispered, hoping, somehow, that Elizabeth got the message. 

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ We keep this love in a photograph  _

_ We made these memories for ourselves  _

_ Where our eyes are never closing _

_ Hearts are never broken  _

_ Time’s forever frozen still  _

 

The first weeks passed slowly, with no attempt at communication from Philip. I was lonely. I found myself playing with the children more than usual, possibly because they were all I had. It wasn’t like I was on the best terms with Mummy or Margaret. I also found myself looking at our picture a lot. I missed him so much. I was crying myself to sleep at night. Why did I go along with this idea? Why didn’t I suggest sending someone else? 

 

I needed him back. But it would be months before I could see him again. And who knows what things would be like when he got back. 

 

I waited desperately for a phone call or a letter. I knew he probably simply couldn’t send one, but I still hoped. Eventually he would write or something, wouldn’t he? Of course he would, because he loved me. I told myself this constantly. Sooner or later, it would happen. Right? 

 

Until then, all I had was a picture, some beautiful memories, and hope. And I would never let go of any of it.

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ So you can keep me _

_ Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans _

_ Holding me closer ‘til our eyes meet _

_ You won’t ever be alone _

_ Wait for me to come home _

 

The minute we arrived in Australia, I wanted to call Elizabeth. Unfortunately, I had a couple of meetings before I would get a spare moment. 

 

The meetings were stupid and boring, and I was impatient to get them over with. Afterwards, we got in a car and were finally taken to our hotel suites. Where I would finally get the chance to call Elizabeth. And once I called, it took forever to get her on the line. But I was ecstatic to hear her voice on the phone.

 

“Hello?” She answered.

 

“Lilibet,” I responded. “I’m finally here.”

 

“Philip,” she sounded relieved. “I’m so happy to hear your voice. I’ve been so lonely without you.”

 

“I feel the same way.” I told her. “I miss you so much. How have you been?”

 

“It sucks, but I’m getting through it.” She I told me. 

 

“How are the children?” I asked. 

 

“They miss you a lot, but they’re fine. I could get them for you if you’d like.” She offered.

 

“Could you?” I so badly wanted to talk to Charles and Anne. 

 

“Hold on a minute.” There was nothing on the other end for a few minutes. “Here they are.”

 

“Hi daddy.” It was Charles. 

 

“Hi Charles. How have you been buddy?”

 

“I’m fine. I’ve been having lots of fun with Mummy and Grandmummy and Anne.” 

 

“That’s wonderful.” I smiled. “I can’t wait to see you again.”

 

“I miss you.” 

 

“I miss you too buddy. I promise to spend lots of time with you when I come home, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Is your sister there?” I asked. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Can I talk to her?”

 

“Sure.” He responded.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too. Bye.” 

 

“Daddy?” It was Anne. 

 

“How’s Daddy’s little girl been?” I asked her. 

 

“I’m okay, but I miss you.” She told me. 

 

“I miss you too Anne.” I told her. “But I’ll call you as often as I can, and I’ll be home before you know it.”

 

“Okay.” I loved hearing my children’s voices again, but as the same time, it broke my heart, knowing they missed me and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

“Can I talk to Mummy?” I asked her. 

 

“Yeah. I love you Daddy.”

 

“I love you too Anne. Bye.” 

 

“They really miss you.” It was Elizabeth again. “We all do.” 

 

“I miss you all too.” 

 

“I’m so sorry.” She sounded like she was crying.

 

“Why?”

 

“For sending you on this trip.”

 

“It’s alright.” I comforted her. “You meant well. Besides, maybe I could benefit from it.”

 

“But what about us?” She asked. 

 

“We’ll be fine.” I told her. 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes. We just need to have faith and determination. We can make it through if we want to.”

 

“I’ve been looking at our picture a lot.” She told me.

 

“So have I.” 

 

“I miss you.”

 

“I miss you too.”

 

“I’ve got to go.” She said sadly.

 

“Alright. I love you.”

 

“I love you too. Can I talk to you soon?”

 

“Yes, hopefully. Goodbye.”

 

“Bye.” I hung up and started to cry. 

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ And if you hurt me _

_ That’s okay, baby, only words bleed  _

_ Inside these pages you just hold me  _

_ And I won’t ever let you go _

 

It was wonderful to hear Philip’s voice again, and I desperately didn’t want our phone call to end. But it had to. Charles and Anne went back to the nursery and I laid down on my bed and cried. I took out our picture and held it against my chest. I thought that talking to Philip would help, but it only made me miss him more. 

 

Eventually I cried myself to sleep. I dreamed that Philip was here, in my bed with me. He kissed me and held me in his arms. He was exactly where he should’ve been, instead of where I’d sent him. As the dream faded away too soon, I tried to hold on to it.

 

“Don’t let go,” I whispered. “I love you.”

 

And I swore, as I woke up, I heard his voice whisper back.

 

“I love you too.” 

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ Wait for me to come home  _

_ Wait for me to come home  _

_ Wait for me to come home  _

_ Wait for me to come home  _

 

That night I dreamt of Elizabeth. I was back in London, in her bed. I held her in my arms. I cupped her face with my hand and kissed her. It felt so good to be back with her. It felt real, even though it wasn’t. Too soon, the dream faded away. 

 

“Don’t let go. I love you.” She whispered as she disappeared.

 

“I love you too.” I whispered back, hoping somehow, she heard it. 

 

I opened my eyes in an empty bed on the other side of the world. I took out the picture of us and the children. It had been wonderful to talk to them, and to know that they were all okay. But I missed them desperately. 

 

I knew Elizabeth was anxiously awaiting my return as much as I was. I couldn’t wait to really be back home, where I belonged. The next few months would be agony. But I would get through it. And she would be with me in my heart the whole time. 

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ Oh you can fit me _

_ Inside the necklace you got when you were 16 _

_ Next to your heartbeat where I should be _

_ Keep it deep within your soul _

 

A month had passed. Philip had called a few more times and I had received a letter from him. 

 

One day, I was looking through some old stuff at Windsor Castle. In my old room I found a locket with Philip’s picture inside it. He had given it to me many years ago,  before he left for the war. I had worn it everyday while he was gone. I took it with me when I went back to Buckingham Palace. It had helped me get through Philip’s absence back then, maybe it could help me now. 

 

I was determined to keep him with me as best I could. I would make sure he was with me in my heart, even if he wasn’t there in person. I loved him deeply, and I desperately counted down the weeks until he would return. 

 

I prayed that he was okay. And that his trip wouldn’t ruin the progress we’d made in our marriage. I knew he would still love me when he returned. He had to. Because I don’t know what I would have done if he didn’t. I was already apart from him for months. There was no way I could bear a lifetime of separation. I just couldn’t. I was far too in love with him. And I hoped he knew that. 

 

**Philip’s POV:**

_ And if you hurt me  _

_ Well, that’s okay, baby, only words bleed _

_ Inside these pages you just hold me _

_ And I won’t ever let you go  _

 

After months of horrible separation from Elizabeth and the children, I was finally boarding the ship back to England. Just a couple more weeks and I would be home. 

 

My trip had sent rumors swirling through newspapers all over the world. Rumors of a rift between us, of infidelity. None of them were true. At least I hoped they weren’t. Elizabeth and I had tried to mend the rift between us, and this trip was a test of just how well we’d done. I hoped it wouldn’t have reopened by the time I returned. 

 

The days on the ship drug on, and I desperately wanted them to go faster. I was anxious to get back to Elizabeth and the children. I spent a lot of time looking at their picture. It was comforting to know that I would be with them again soon. 

 

Every night when I went to bed, I closed my eyes and prayed everything would be okay. 

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ When I’m away _

_ I will remember how you kissed me  _

_ Under the lamppost back on 6th Street  _

_ Hearing you whisper through the phone  _

_ “Wait for me to come home”  _

 

Today was the day. After five months of agonizing separation, Philip was finally coming home. His ship was due to arrive this afternoon. The children and I went to the docks and waited excitedly. I had to stay calm on the outside, but my heart leapt with joy when I saw his ship. 

 

As he got off the ship, I ran to greet him. I threw my arms around him and held on tight. Hopefully, tight enough to close any gap that might have developed between us, and squelch any rumors of one. 

 

“Welcome back.” I whispered.

 

“It’s good to be home.” He replied.

 

“I’ve missed you so much.” I told him. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” 

 

Suddenly, a tug at my dress broke up apart. It was Charles and Anne. 

 

“Daddy!” They squealed excitedly. Philip hugged Charles and picked up Anne. 

 

We got in the car and went back to the palace. We spent the rest of the day playing with the children. They’d missed Philip as they needed the day with him. After they went to bed, Philip and I went up to my room.

 

“So, where do we start now?” I asked as we sat on my bed.

 

“How about exactly where we left off.” Philip suggested. He pulled me in and kissed me, just as passionately as he had before he left. Only this time, no one was there to pull us apart. We could hold on forever if we wanted to. And we did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still taking suggestions for situations or characters you would like to see. I have about six more I plan to do, with the next one hopefully getting published in a few days. I have decided on which Beatles song I will do, but I'm still undecided on whether my last one will be Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato or Be Alright by Ariana Grande, so please tell me what you think in the comments! :)


	12. Sovereign's New Clothes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Emperor's New Clothes by Panic! at the Disco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is more along the lines of Look What You Made Me Do with Elizabeth's powers and whatnot because I just couldn't resist writing another one like that. And yes, it does start from the POV of the Duke of Windsor. Hope you enjoy it!

**Duke of Windsor’s POV:**

_ Welcome to the end of eras  _

_ Ice has melted back to life _

_ Done my time and served my sentence  _

_ Dress me up and watch me die _

 

My plan was working perfectly. I had spent the last 19 years plotting my revenge. It was finally time. 

I had built up my powers. I spent countless hours over the years working on them. My powers were no longer simply telekinesis and controlling the elements. I now had the power of mind control. My powers were the one thing they couldn’t take away from me when I abdicated, and I intended to use them. 

 

I had set up a meeting today with Princess Margaret. At the moment, she hated Elizabeth with a passion, and I knew I could use that hatred to my advantage. 

 

We met over tea at Clarence House. And I made sure Cookie wasn’t around. I sat down across from Margaret. 

 

“So, there’s something I need to talk to you about.” I began. 

 

“What?” 

 

“I have a wonderful plan, and I need you to help me carry it out.” I informed her. 

 

“And what is this plan exactly?” 

 

I took a deep breath and just said it. 

 

“To depose your sister, and put me back in power.”

 

“And why would I agree to that? What’s in it for me?” She seemed skeptical. I hadn’t wanted to use my powers on her, but I was prepared to do it if I had to. 

 

“Because you hate her.” It wouldn’t take much to get in her head. I stared directly into her eyes. “Think about it. She denied you the man you love. You want revenge don’t you? What better way to get it than to hit her where it would hurt the most? Without the crown, she loses all control, and we all know how much she likes to be in control. Besides, since I cannot be the reigning monarch again, I would have to put you on the throne for me.” She smiled, but still seemed hesitant. I could see the wheels turning behind her eyes, though. It was working.

 

“What about Charles and Anne?” She asked.

 

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of them.” I told her. “Are you in?” She smiled.

 

“Yes.” 

 

**Elizabeth’s POV:**

_ If it feels good, tastes good  _

_ It must be mine _

_ Dynasty decapitated  _

_ You just might see a ghost tonight _

_ And if you don’t know now you know  _

 

I was eating breakfast with Philip. We had a meeting with my uncle, the Duke of Windsor, this morning. He’d always claimed to be on my side and to support me, but I felt uneasy about this, and I could tell Philip did too. 

 

We met him in the private audience room at ten o’clock. We greeted each other cooly, and he got straight to the point. 

 

“I would like to begin by apologizing. I hate to do this to you, Elizabeth, but I’m afraid the time has come.” He said. Suddenly I was paralyzed as he froze us to our seats. I had forgotten that he had kept his powers when he abdicated. I had never been at the receiving end of this power before. It was quite painful. 

 

“What do you mean?” I asked, scared. I tried to use my own powers to free us, but his were stronger. Philip was so overpowered he couldn’t speak, as he had no defense mechanism at all.

 

“The time has come for me to reclaim the crown.” He explained. 

 

“You can’t do that.” I argued weakly. Every attempt at movement made it hurt worse. “You have no right to the crown.” 

 

“But I do.” Suddenly, Margaret entered the room. “I’ll be the reigning monarch, but he’ll be in charge.”

 

“Why? Why would you betray me like this?” I tried to cry, I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. It only made me feel like my eyes were going to burst from my head. 

 

“Because you deserve it.” She sneered.

 

“But you’re third in line.” I pointed out. “Charles and Anne are in front of you.”

 

“Oh, I’ve taken care of them.” The Duke said darkly. I gasped in horror. “Take them away.” Suddenly, darkly clothed men swarmed the room, and Philip and I were lifted from our chairs and taken away. I screamed. I had just enough strength left to shatter a window, but it did no good. Margaret and my uncle just laughed. Then, everything went black.

 

_ I’m taking back the crown  _

_ I’m all dressed up and naked _

_ I see what’s mine and take it  _

_ (Finders keepers, losers weepers) _

_ Oh yeah  _

 

I woke up in a dark prison cell. There were shackles on my wrists and ankles. There was no window, only a metal door with bars at the top. I was alone.

 

“Hello?” I shouted. I saw a figure appeared at my door. “Who are you?” The door opened. A young man, my age, maybe a few years younger, walked through. He had brown hair and blue eyes. Very attractive, but not very tall. 

 

“I’m Jack, ma’am.” He told me. “I’m your guard.”

 

“My guard?”

 

“To make sure no one can come in here and that you can’t…” 

 

“That I can’t leave.” I finished for him. 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“How long was I asleep?” I asked.

 

“About a day.” He informed me. “As far as the public knows, you and your husband and children died in a terrible accident yesterday.” I gasped. “And now we have Queen Margaret. Except she’s just for show. The real monarch is,”

 

“King Edward VIII.” I finished. 

 

“Yeah.” He nodded. “It’s terrible, but I had no choice but to go along with it. He rounded up a group of soldiers and told us he would kill us and our families unless we cooperated.” 

 

I sat in stunned silence. What happened didn’t seem real. I felt like it was just a crazy dream I should’ve woken up from. Instead I woke up in a prison cell.

 

“Where are we?” I asked suddenly.

 

“An abandoned prison. He chose to keep you in here for secrecy purposes.” 

 

“Where is Philip?” I asked. “And where are my children?”

 

“Philip has his own cell. I’m not sure where.” Jack answered.

 

“And what about Charles and Anne?” 

 

“I’m not sure.” He said quietly, not meeting my eyes. 

 

“Where are they?” I asked again, raising my voice. 

 

“I don’t know, ma’am.” 

 

“Where are my children?!” I screamed. A slab from the wall flew out and narrowly missed Jack. He jumped. 

 

“I don’t know!” He looked terrified. 

 

“Let me out!” I screamed. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Jack looked like he was about to cry. “I wish I could, but I can’t. He’ll kill me.” 

 

“Then I’ll get out myself.” I decided. I tried to use my powers to break the shackles. It didn’t work. I screamed and tried again. Pieces of the wall around me came off, but the shackles didn’t break. “Why can’t I do this?”

 

“He had them specially made so you wouldn’t be able to break them.” I sighed. 

 

“Of course he did.” I muttered. “But I have to get out of here. I have to take back the crown.” 

 

“If I wouldn’t be putting myself and my family in danger I would.” 

 

I didn’t press him further. I couldn’t ask him to risk his life or his family for me. I understood how he felt. I had a family to worry about too. Frustrated, I sank my head down and cried. 

 

_ The crown  _

_ So close I can taste it _

_ I see what’s mine and take it  _

_ (Finders keepers, losers weepers) _

_ Oh yeah _

 

“Ma’am,” Jack knelt down beside me. “Don’t cry.” He put an arm around me. I was surprised, but I rested my head on his shoulder anyway. “Maybe I can help you.”

 

“Really?” I was hesitant. “But he’ll kill you if you help me.” 

 

“Maybe he’ll try, but I have a defense he doesn’t know about.” He told me. 

 

“What?” 

 

“I can’t really explain it.” He stood up. “I have to show you.” He closed his eyes and when he opened them again, they were black pits. There was a reddish aura around him. I screamed. “Don’t be frightened.” He knelt down beside me again. “I won’t hurt you.”

 

“What exactly are your powers?” I asked, still frightened, even though I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. 

 

“I have heightened strength, and speed and senses, when I’m like this.” He explained. 

 

“When did you get your powers?” 

 

“I’ve just always had them.” He told me. “But the point is, maybe I can try to help you.” He slowly went back to normal.

 

“Are you really willing to put yourself in danger for me?” I was grateful for the offer, but I didn’t want this man I barely knew to put himself in harm’s way. 

 

“Yes, I am. It’s the right thing to do. For everyone.” 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

“You’re welcome, ma’am.”

 

“Please,” I smiled. “Call me Elizabeth.” 

 

_ Sycophants on velvet sofas _

_ Lavish mansions, vintage wine _

_ I am so much more than royal  _

_ Snatch your chain and mace your eyes _

 

“So, Elizabeth,” Jack put an emphasis on my name with a smile. “How exactly can I help you?”

 

“Well, for starters, you can unshackle me.” I requested. He sighed. 

 

“I don't have the key.” He responded. “However, maybe, between the two of our powers, we can break them.”

 

“It’s worth a shot.” 

 

He transformed into his powers and I conjured up mine. We focused every ounce of power we had on the shackles. It took a while and drained much of our energy, but eventually, we did it. 

 

“I’m free!” I shouted, standing up. It felt good to be cut from the chains. I hugged Jack. He seemed surprised, but hugged back. 

 

“So what now?” He asked. 

 

“Well, I guess in order to reclaim the crown, I’ll have to battle my uncle.” I explained. “So now I have to prepare for that.”

 

“My powers are nothing compared to his, but I can try to help you.” He told me. 

 

“Great.” 

 

“So what do you want me to do?” He asked.

 

“Fight me.” 

 

“What?”

 

“You’ve used your powers to fight people before right?”

 

“Yeah, but,”

 

“So fight me. That’s how you can help me prepare.” I explained. 

 

“Alright.” He agreed.

 

Jack transformed back into his powerful state. I moved a brick from the wall and threw it towards him. It flew back at me. 

 

“I’m afraid you’ll have to try harder than that.” Jack sneered. “How can you beat Edward VIII if you can’t even beat me?”

 

“How’s this then?” Water suddenly gushed from the ceiling and a strong wind whipped through the room. 

 

“Is that all you got?” He laughed. “You really don’t have what it takes do you? Of course you don’t. You’re just a weak little princess.”

 

I let out a piercing shriek. The wind knocked Jack off his feet and the water swirled harshly around him. 

 

“I am not a weak little princess!” I shouted. “I am a queen! And I am a very dangerous woman!” 

 

Fire suddenly ripped through the room. Then everything stopped. 

 

“So you are.” 

 

_ If it feels good, tastes good _

_ It must be mine _

_ Heroes always get remembered  _

_ But you know legends never die _

_ And if you don’t know now you know  _

 

“Do you really think I could defeat him?” I asked Jack. We had been practicing for a week. We hadn’t been caught yet. He used his heightened senses to listen for other guards. If he heard one, he would immediately lose his powers and chain me up again.   

 

“I really think you could.” He responded. 

 

“Do you think it would be possible to find Philip and my children first?” 

 

“Perhaps.” He told me. “Finding Philip might be easier than finding Charles and Anne. I know that Philip is in a cell somewhere in this prison. I have no idea what they did with your children.”

 

“Well, finding Philip would be a start.” 

 

“You don’t think it would be better to defeat your uncle and then rescue Philip?”

 

“I just need to know he’s okay.” I told him. 

 

“We can try, but I can’t guarantee we’ll be able to get him out.”

 

“It’s worth a try isn’t it?” I argued. “Besides, fighting this guard will be practice for fighting my uncle.” 

 

“Does he have powers?” Jack asked.

 

“He might.” I said. “I think it’s possible that my uncle knows about your powers and that’s why he chose you. So I think there’s a chance the other guards he hired have powers of their own.”

 

“That would make sense.” He remarked. “So what will happen when you fight your uncle? The people think you’re dead. What if they’ve already forgotten you?”

 

“Oh, they’ll remember me. And I’ll make sure they never forget me. No one will. I will live on forever as the queen who saved her people. I’ll make sure of that.”

 

_ I’m taking back the crown _

_ I’m all dressed up and naked _

_ I see what's mine and take it _

_ (Finders keepers, losers weepers) _

_ Oh yeah  _

 

“Let’s go.” I said. Jack was finally going to sneak me out tonight. And our first stop was finding Philip. 

 

“Are you sure you’re ready?” He asked.

 

“I’ve been stuck in here for two weeks.” I told him. “Of course I’m ready.”

 

“Alright.” He took a deep breath and opened the door. The hallway of the prison was just as dark and musty as my cell. Jack put a finger over his mouth to remind me to stay quiet. If anyone heard us, we would both be in trouble. Jack told me he was pretty sure Philip’s cell was on the ground floor. Mine was on the second so we headed for the stairs, hiding in the cover of darkness. 

 

As we approached the stair well, I heard footsteps behind us. 

 

“Hey!” It was another guard. “Where are you going?” 

 

“Shit.” Jack whispered. I turned around and made eye contact with the guard. I took a deep breath and suddenly, the guard slid across the floor. I gasped. His neck had bent like I broke it. I ran toward his body. He was dead. I panicked.

 

“Oh god.” I slid down to the floor and cried. “I killed him.”

 

“Elizabeth,” Jack knelt down beside me.

 

“I didn’t mean to kill him. I only meant to injure him so he couldn’t follow us.” I was horrified. “He was just some kid like you, that had been forced into this. He was just doing his job and I killed him.”

 

“Elizabeth, it’s alright.”

 

“No it’s not.”

 

Suddenly his demeanor changed. 

 

“Elizabeth, we have to go.” He had transformed into his powers. “There are more guards coming.”

 

His warning was too late. Other guards surrounded us. I realized that we would have to fight them all. It was two against twenty, and I prayed to God that didn’t have the powers I feared they did. 

 

We soon discovered that most of them didn’t, but three of them did. We knocked out the ones that didn’t pretty quickly, but the rest were trickier. 

 

One had the power of clairvoyance. He was able to read our minds and knew what we were going to do before we did it. This gave him some defense, but unfortunately for him, it was his only power. He had no special way to fight us, and he was the first of the powerful guards to be defeated. 

 

The next had a power similar to one of mine. He was also telekinetic, but I was stronger. He tried to throw me against a wall, but I threw him all the way across the room and down the stairs. 

 

The last had the power of mind control. He was by far the hardest to defeat. He took control of Jack with a simple look in the eyes, and tried to make him attack me. He made Jack sprint towards me, but the guard didn’t anticipate that I would target him before Jack reached me. The split second before he would’ve gotten to me, I set the guard ablaze and rescued Jack from his control. I only let him burn for a minute before water rained down on him, but he was severely weakened. Jack finished him off. 

 

After the battle, we paused. There were bodies strewn all around us. We counted 23 of them, including the one I had accidentally killed earlier, and the one I threw down the stairs. It dawned on us that we had killed all of these people. That was certainly not what we had set out to do when we left my cell. 

 

I started to cry. Jack, who had returned to normal, wrapped his arms around me. We cried and prayed for forgiveness. We had done what we had to do, but it was a hard thing to deal with. Especially when we realized we would likely have to kill more people in order for me to take back the crown. But we had to move on.

 

“How many guards are left?” I asked, wiping my tears. 

 

“I believe there were 25 in the prison to begin with. We killed 23, so that leaves two. One of them me, and the other likely Philip’s guard. So, at least here, there’s only one left to fight.” Jack explained. 

 

“Well, then, what are we waiting for?” 

 

We left the hallway and headed down the stairs for the second time. 

 

_ The crown _

_ So close I can taste it _

_ I see what’s mine and take it _

_ (Finders keepers, losers weepers) _

_ Oh yeah  _

 

We walked down the stairs nervously. We didn’t know where Philip’s cell was, and we weren’t sure what kind of state we would find him in. His guard likely wasn’t as nice as mine. 

 

A sense of dread built up inside me as we walked down the hallway. I was scared of what I would find. We approached the end of the hallway. I heard voices around the corner. 

 

“Let me go!” It was Philip’s scream.

 

“Absolutely not!” An unfamiliar voice responded. Philip screamed out in pain.

 

“Oh my god.” I turned to Jack panicking. “He’s hurting him.”

 

“He must have powers too.” He whispered back. 

 

“If you calm down, I’ll stop.” The guard taunted. From the screams, it didn’t sound like Philip was calming down. “Keep it up like this, and eventually I’ll just have to kill you.”

 

“I have to help him.” I started to run, but Jack grabbed me. I pushed him back and kept going. 

 

“You can’t do that!” The pain in Philip's voice broke my heart.

 

“Oh yeah?” The guard sneered as I approached the cell. He had his back turned to me. I could see Philip. He was beaten and bloody. One arm looked broken. His face was contorted in pain. “Who’s going to stop me?”

 

“I am.” I spoke. The guard turned around startled. 

 

“How did you get out?” The guard asked angrily. 

 

I gave Jack a look that told him to stay put. I didn’t want to put him in more danger than I already had, especially considering I would need to again. 

 

“None of your business.” I paralyzed him. He tried to push back. I pushed harder, but eventually he broke free. Bricks fell loose from the wall. 

 

“You thought it would be that easy?” 

 

He threw me to the floor and pinned me there. Water leaked from the floor, but I wasn’t the one who caused it. I realized that this guard had my exact powers. 

 

“How did you get the monarch’s powers?” I demanded.

 

“He gave them to me.” The guard explained. “He” had to have been my uncle. “He figured you would escape eventually. So he had to have at least one guard who could match your power. Who could defeat you.”

 

I saw the guard start to get light headed. He was new at this. I smirked. For a split second, his guard came down. I took advantage of it. I threw him across the room. He landed against the opposite wall, and I paralyzed him there. It would take a lot out of me to keep him there, but I had to do it. 

 

I ran over to Philip. I focused what was left of my powers on breaking his chains. His must not have been as strong as mine, because I broke them easily.

 

“Come on!” I dragged him to his feet. “We have to go!” I helped him out of the cell. As soon as we escaped, the room collapsed on the guard. 

 

_ Mortal kings are ruling castles _

_ Welcome to my world of fun _

_ Liars settle into sockets  _

_ Flip the switch and watch them run  _

_ Oh yeah  _

 

Jack and I ran out of the prison, supporting Philip between us. We all squinted at the daylight as we left. We’d been stuck in the dark prison for so long, we’d almost forgotten what sunlight was like. 

 

“What do we do now?” Jack asked.

 

“We have to get Philip somewhere safe. We have to figure out what happened to Charles and Anne. We have to overthrow Margaret and my uncle. There’s a lot.” I answered. “But first, how do we get out of here?”

 

“There are cars around here.” Jack told us. “I know where we are. I can get us out.”

 

Jack led us to the car. We put Philip in the backseat and I sat in the passenger's side.

 

“So where can we go?” Jack asked.

 

“Clarence House. If my mother is still alive that is.” I replied.

 

“She is.”

 

“Good. She’s our best hope.”

 

It was a long drive, but it gave us all a chance to rest. Once we arrived at Clarence House, we got inside as fast as we could. 

 

“Mummy!” I shouted. I heard footsteps running from another room. She appeared in the doorway and gasped. 

 

“Lilibet?” She walked towards me shocked. “But you're dead.”

 

“No, I’m not.” I replied, hugging her. “I’m alive. And I’m here to take back the crown.”

 

“What happened?” She asked.

 

We all sat down on her sitting room and explained what had happened. 

 

“So you need me to take care of Philip, while you fight your sister and uncle for the crown they stole from you?” Mummy asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Alright.” She sighed. “Philip, you can stay here.”

 

“Thank you Mummy.” I smiled gratefully. “I’m afraid Jack and I must be going now.”

 

“Well good luck.” She hugged me goodbye. “But if it all possible, could you try to avoid harming Margaret?”

 

“I can try.” I wasn’t sure that would be possible, but I didn’t tell Mummy that.

 

“And one more thing.” 

 

“What?”

 

“Give your uncle hell.” She smirked. 

 

“Oh I will.”

 

_ I’m taking back, back, taking back, back _

_ The crown  _

_ I’m all dressed up and naked  _

_ I see what’s mine and take it _

_ (Finders keepers, losers weepers) _

_ Oh yeah  _

 

Jack and I drove nervously to Buckingham Palace. We were well rested to fight Margaret and my uncle, but we would likely have to fight more guards before we even got to them. As soon as we pulled up to the door, five guards rushed towards our car.

 

“Dammit, we don’t have time for this.” I muttered. I stepped out of the car with a smile. The five of them flew to the ground. “Come on!” Jack got out of the car and we ran inside. 

 

“Where do you think they are?” He asked as we ran.

 

“Just follow me.” 

 

I led him up to what I assumed would be Margaret’s suite. Doubtless, my uncle was in the palace too, but we had to deal with Margaret first. She would be easier. 

 

I was right. I found Margaret in my old room. She sat at the vanity, doing her makeup. 

 

“Hello, you.” I said from the doorway. She turned around startled. Jack and I entered her room.

 

“How did you get here?” Margaret looked scared. “And who is that?”

 

“That’s not important.” I smiled. “We can either do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

 

“Do what?” She pretended not to know what I was talking about.

 

“Hand over the crown.” I demanded. “And tell me where our uncle is.”   
  


“You mean, the rightful monarch?” She sneered.

 

“I am the rightful monarch.” I told her. “Not him. Stand down and tell me where he is. Or else.”

 

“Or else what?” She stood and laughed. “I am the Queen now. I have your powers too you know.”

 

I froze her. She tried to fight back, but to no avail. 

 

“But they aren’t as strong as mine.” 

 

I was determined to defeat Margaret bloodlessly. I didn’t want to fight her. After all, I had promised Mummy that I would try not to hurt her. 

 

“Get her.” I ordered Jack. He locked her up with some chains he had stolen from another cell back at the prison. “He has powers too, you know.”

 

She looked into his black eyes and whimpered. 

 

“Now where is he?” I demanded. I squeezed her with my powers. 

 

“I’m not sure exactly.” 

 

“Where?” I squeezed harder.

 

“Probably in his office.”

 

“Which is where?”

 

“Where yours used to be.”

 

“Thank you.” I released the pressure but I kept her paralyzed there. “Keep her there.” I told Jack as I left. I didn’t want Jack to come with me. This was a battle I would have to fight alone. 

 

_ The crown _

_ So close I can taste it _

_ I see what’s mine and take it _

_ (Finders keepers, losers weepers) _

_ Oh yeah  _

 

I walked to my old office, trying to appear confident. Trying to bury my nerves. I could do this. I could defeat him. I had to.

 

A guard stood in front of the door.

 

“I’m sorry, ma’am. You cannot go inside.” He told me, not seeming to recognize me. 

 

“Can’t I?” I snapped his neck and walked in. 

 

My uncle was sitting at my old desk, looking through the papers in the red box. My sister truly was a puppet monarch. He looked up at the sound of my footsteps. He gave a sly smile.

 

“Well, what a surprise. I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” He remarked.

 

“Cut the shit.” I snapped. “We have business to take care of.”

 

“Such as?”

 

“First and foremost, where are my children?” I demanded. His gaze darkened.

 

“I’m afraid they’re dead.” 

 

“No, they can’t be!” I panicked. Had he really murdered my children?

 

“They are. I had one of my guards do it.” He told me. “Would you like to see proof?” 

 

He handed me a photo. Charles and Anne laid on the ground, a stab wound in each of their chests. They really were dead. I burst into tears.

 

“How could you?” I screamed. Flames appeared at his feet. He put them out calmly. 

 

“I had to.” 

 

“No you didn’t. You’re evil. Which brings me to our other order of business. The crown.”

 

“My crown.”

 

“No. It’s mine.” I argued. “And I’m here to take it back.” 

 

“You think you can beat me in battle?” He sneered.

 

“I have to.” 

 

A gust of wind burst through the room, blowing things in all directions. I tried paralyzing him, but he fought back. He tried setting me on fire, I put it out. It went on like this for what seemed like hours. Suddenly, his face lit up with realization. He looked into my eyes, and I could feel him start to control me.

 

“How could I have forgotten?” He laughed. “My greatest weapon. I have developed the power of mind control.”

 

I sat down against my will. But only part of my mind was under siege. The other part could fight back. He froze me to the ground. I couldn’t move, but little did he know, I could still think. I closed my eyes and screamed. Suddenly, he was the one paralyzed. All the windows in the room shattered. I looked up and directed all the shards of glass toward him. He fell to the floor and blood poured out of him. Pieces of glass stuck out everywhere. I got up and stood over him. 

 

“Please, don’t kill me.” He begged for mercy. I wasn’t going to give it to him.

 

“Why shouldn’t I? You deserve it. You have hurt countless people for your own selfish need for power. The power you forfeited when you abdicated. I am the powerful one now. And this is what I have to do to avenge the pain you have caused so many.”

 

I put all the force I could muster up on him. I slowly crushed him as he squirmed and shrieked in pain. Pieces of the room crumbled around us. Wind, water, and fire whipped through the room. Then suddenly, everything stopped. And he was dead.

 

_ (Finders keepers, losers weepers) _

_ (Finders keepers, losers weepers) _

 

After the battle, I reclaimed my crown. Philip and I moved back into Buckingham Palace, and Margaret moved back in with Mummy at Clarence House. Jack went back to his own family. What happened would require an enormous amount of explanation to the public, and I wasn’t sure how I would do it. But that wasn’t my first priority. 

 

My first priority was getting things back to normal. Not that it ever would be totally normal again. Philip and I would take time to grieve for the loss of our children. It would be awhile before the dust settled within the family. But I hoped that one day, we would all find peace and happiness again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have suggestions for situations or characters you would like me to write about, please leave them in the comments! I plan on writing about five more of these. I am still undecided on whether to do Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato or Be Alright by Ariana Grande for the final one, so tell me what you think in the comments. Thanks! :)


	13. Pork Soda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Pork Soda by Glass Animals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is from Philip’s POV.

_Somewhere in South End when you were fun_  
_You took my hand and you made me run_  
_Up past the prison to the seafront_  
_You climbed the cliff edge and took the plunge_

I closed my eyes and suddenly I was back. To years earlier. Before Elizabeth and I even got married. We were secretly engaged then.

“Come on!” Elizabeth dragged me up the cliffs, past the old, abandoned prison. We were out somewhere no one would find us.

“Why do you want to do this?” I asked at the top. It was a bit unlike her to want to do something so wild.

“Maybe I’ve always wanted to go cliff jumping.” She smiled. “Or maybe you bring out a dangerous side of me.”

“Should the next Queen of England really be cliff jumping? What would people say if they found out? I mean, they don’t like me to begin with,”

“Fuck them.” She cut me off. “On the count of three.” She grabbed my hand. “One, two, three.” We jumped.

We screamed and landed safely in the water, laughing. I grabbed her and kissed her. We made out and played with each other under the water until we couldn’t take it anymore. We undressed each other and threw our clothes on a rock. I fucked her, right there in the water.

Back then, we were young, crazy, and in love. As I opened my eyes and watched Elizabeth storm out of my room in anger, I wondered what the hell happened.

_Why can’t we laugh now like we did then?_  
_How come I see you and ache instead?_  
_How come you only look pleased in bed?_  
_Let’s climb the cliff edge and jump again_

“Elizabeth!” I called after her.

“What the hell do you want?” She shouted, whipping around. There were tears in her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” We had started arguing over nothing and it had turned into a huge fight. “I didn’t mean what I said earlier.”

“Oh, you didn’t mean it when you called me a slag? You didn’t mean it when you called me a bitch?” Her voice rose slightly each time. “You didn’t mean it when you said you wished I was dead? Because it all sounded pretty sincere to me!”

“No. I didn’t mean any of that. I’m sorry.” I was ashamed of what I had said to her. “I love you.”

“There. Now you’re saying things you don’t mean.” She walked away again. I got up and followed her to her room.

“Lilibet,”

“Don’t call me that.” She tried to slam the door in my face, but I forced my way in. I had to make this right.

“Lilibet, I really am sorry.” I told her, grabbing her hand. “I really do love you.”

“Why do you at like such a dick if you love me so much?” She snapped, yanking her hand away.

“I don’t know, but it’s not like you're a saint either.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re the one who started this fight.” I reminded her. “You’re the one who lit into me for no reason when I got home.”

“You’re cheating on me!” She accused.

“No, I’m not.” I could tell we were going to have this fight again. “If anything, you’re cheating on me. Actually, it’s common for cheaters to hurl unfounded accusations at their faithful partners.”

“They are not unfounded accusations! Margaret told me!”

“And it never occurred to you that Margaret might just be trying to start shit because she’s mad at you?”

“I have no reason not to believe her.” She told me.

“I’ll give you a reason not to believe her.”

“Such as?”

“I love you, you stupid bitch!”

I kissed her on the lips. She tried to push me away, but eventually she gave in. I reached a hand under her skirt and rubbed her gently. She gasped. She put a hand over my crotch and massaged me. We carried on teasing each other like this until we couldn’t take it anymore. We undressed each other and I pushed her on the bed. I fucked her just as hard as I had in the water all those years before. She looked the happiest I’d seen her in days. It seemed the only time I could do anything right in her eyes was in bed.

When we finished, I held her in my arms and she fell asleep. I closed my eyes, remembering that night in the water, desperately wishing we could be that couple again.

_Pineapples are in my head_  
_(Pineapples are in my head)_  
_Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead_  
_(Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead)_

The next day was Thursday, which meant it was time to go to the Thursday Club with Mike. Elizabeth hated it, but I didn’t really care. It was my only chance to get out and have a good time. Okay, so actually I did that quite a bit, but this was still special.

Mike and I made our way down to the restaurant in Soho. A typical gathering ensued inside. Drinking, women, lewd pictures and conversations. But the real fun would be later tonight.

The party was held at Baron’s house that night. A handful of women arrived soon after I did. One of them came up to me, looking excited.

“Are you the real Prince Philip?” She asked, flirtatiously.

“The one and only.” I smirked.

“This is my first time at one of these parties.” She told me. “One of my friends, who’s a regular at things like this, told me you would be here. I didn’t believe her, I doubted that the Queen’s husband would be found at such a party, but what do you know? Anyway, I’m excited to meet you, and I must say, you’re even more handsome in person.”

“You’re quite beautiful yourself.” I told her. She was. Tall, blonde haired, and blue eyed, she was stunning. The momentary guilt I’d had when she mentioned my wife quickly faded away.

I leaned down and kissed her and it quickly turned more passionate. I lead her to a bedroom and fucked her.

The guilt really settled in when we finished. I went back to the others and rejoined the party, but I couldn’t stop feeling bad. I had just told Elizabeth that I wasn’t cheating on her, and then what did I do? I turned around and cheated on her.

I dealt with this like I always did. I drank my guilt away. Eventually, I got so drunk I forgot I was married. When I get drunk enough, I let my dick do my thinking. I ended up having a threesome with two girls I’d never even seen before, and likely never would again.

I stumbled home completely hammered in the middle of the night. Elizabeth was either fast asleep or ignoring me.

I went to bed feeling like shit. Elizabeth knew what I was really up to. And as bad as I felt about it, for whatever reason I couldn’t stop. No wonder she hated me. I hated myself.

_Somebody said that I’m a fucking slum_  
_Don’t know that I belong_  
_Maybe you’re fucking dumb_  
_Maybe I’m just a bum_

I woke up that morning in an even worse mood than I’d gone to bed in. I was truly a piece of shit. Elizabeth deserved so much better than me. And yet, despite everything, she remained in love with me. I couldn’t understand why. I was cheating on her, she knew it, and I kept lying and denying it. Saying that she’s a psychotic bitch and she’s the one who's cheating, and then turning around and sleeping with other women while she waits home alone. Not to mention the other shitty things I said and did to her on a daily basis.

The worst part was, everyone around her had told her not to marry me from the beginning. They knew what I was, even if I didn’t realize it myself yet. But she ignored them all and married me anyway. Back then, I said they were all stuffy old people who didn’t understand. I said they were dumb and out of touch. But now I realized they were exactly right. Her father had even voiced concerns that I might not be a faithful husband. I was offended then, but an unfaithful husband is exactly what I turned out to be.

Elizabeth should’ve married Porchey. At least he would’ve treated her right. He would’ve been faithful. We wouldn’t have lied to her or yelled nasty things at her. But she chose to marry me. Because she loved me so much she didn’t care what everyone else thought. I don’t think she ever could have imagined that everyone else would turn out to be right.

_Maybe you’re fucking scum_  
_Don’t you go psycho chum_  
_I want you for the world_  
_I want you all the time_

But maybe I wasn’t the only problem. After all, I couldn’t have destroyed our marriage all by myself. It takes two to make it go right, but it also takes two to make it go wrong.

I mean, Elizabeth had been the one to start all this, when she became queen. Sure she couldn’t control when she became queen, but she could control what she did once she was. And what did she do? She took away my name, my home, my career. She made me kneel before her at her coronation, like I was some kind of lesser being. She was sending me on a trip that would force me to be away from her and the children for months. She never listened to anything I said. She was rude and controlling. I knew she loved me, at least as much as she was capable of loving anymore, but she had a hell of a way of showing it. I would never have cheated on her had she not turned into this inhuman creature.

But despite everything, I still loved her as much as I had when we got married. I suddenly felt the need to talk to her. To pour my guts out. To admit everything and apologize, and to maybe force her hand into an apology of her own. I didn’t think that would fix our relationship. After all, our main problem was the crown, the thing that had driven a wedge between us in the first place. And there was no getting rid of that. But I thought it might help. It was at least worth a shot. I had to tell her how I felt. Because I loved her so much, and I knew I would never stop.

_Pineapples are in my head_  
_(When you were fun)_  
_Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead_  
_(You made me run)_

I walked nervously into Elizabeth’s room. She was sitting at her vanity, doing her makeup.

“Lilibet,” She turned around, looking surprised.

“Philip? What are you doing here?” She asked.

“Lilibet, I need to talk to you.” I told her. “Come here.” I sat down on her bed and motioned for her to sit down next to me. She got up somewhat reluctantly as sat down next to me. “I haven’t been totally honest with you lately.”

“About what?” She asked, even though I could tell she knew.

“Margaret wasn’t lying to you when she told you I was cheating.” I said. “I have cheated on you.” She looked like she was about to cry. I tried to kiss her on the cheek but she pushed me away.

“Why?”

“I, I don’t know.” I didn’t know how to explain it.

“I know why.” She said sadly. “Because you don’t love me anymore.”

“No, darling, that’s not why at all.” I put an arm around her shoulders but she shrugged it off and scooted away from me.

“Then why?” Tears were streaming down her face.

“Because everything is so complicated. You aren’t the woman I married anymore.” I was about to cry too.

“So you’re going around looking for a woman to replace me?”

“No. I, I don’t know.” She stood up and started to walk away. I stopped her. “It’s like, an escape. Sex and alcohol make me forget all my problems. All our problems.”

“Call me naive or foolish, but I always thought if a husband and wife had problems they should solve them not make more of them.” She snapped turning around. “But I guess getting drunk and fucking other women is more fun than talking it out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Is that all you have to say for yourself?” She was pissed and I couldn’t blame her. “You go around cheating on me and then not only lie about it, but accuse me of cheating on you. And all you have to say for yourself is ‘I’m sorry’?”

“I am sorry.” I told her sincerely. “For everything. Not just the cheating, but just for treating you like shit in general. There was no excuse for what I did. Any of it. I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me.”

“I shouldn’t forgive you.” She replied. “I should kick you out and say ‘Don’t ever speak to me again.’ But I can’t. Because for many years, I have been madly, obsessively in love with you. And so, despite every ounce of common sense in my body saying no, I have to forgive you.”

“Thank you.” I whispered. “I love you. I really do.”

“I love you too.”

_Pineapples are in my head_  
_(To the seafront)_  
_Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead_  
_(She took the plunge)_

I pulled Elizabeth into my arms. She didn’t return the hug, but pulled her arms into her chest and laid her head against me. The more I thought about it, the less I knew why I had cheated on her. I loved her with every fiber of my being. Why had I hurt her?

I started to cry, as I felt soft sobs wrack her body. I hugged her tighter and kissed the top of her head. Neither of us said anything. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. It was Bobo, Elizabeth’s dresser.

“Am I disturbing something?” She asked.

“No.” I let go of Elizabeth and she wiped her tears. She gave me a look that said it was time for me to leave. I nodded.

“See you later?” I asked. Elizabeth just nodded in response. I went back to my room and sat on my bed.

That hadn’t necessarily gone well, but I thought it had helped. At least the truth was out in the open now. Maybe we could move on from this and fix our relationship. But only if I could grow the hell up.

_5,000 footsteps in your wet dress_  
_Back to the house with your arms around my neck_  
_We drank pork soda with tangled legs_  
_I won’t forget how you looked at me then_

I closed my eyes and flashed back to that night again. When we jumped off the cliff together.

After we made love, we put our wet clothes back on and ran back to the house. We were staying in a little seaside cottage my uncle owned, just to get away from everything.

At the house, we laid down a blanket in front of the fireplace and cuddled. I poured us each a glass of whisky. I leaned down and kissed her. The kiss quickly grew deeper and more passionate.

“What do you say we get out of these wet clothes?” I whispered. I kissed her neck and rubbed her gently as we undressed. I brought her just to the edge before I stopped.

“Philip.” She gasped.

“Don’t worry.” I said, laying her on the floor and climbing on top of her. And I fucked her for the second time that night.

“Goddamn, I love you.” I told her as we finished. I rolled off her and she cuddled up against me.

“I love you too.” She looked up at me, her beautiful blue eyes full of love. We laid there, naked on the floor, content just to be in each other’s presence. Eventually, we fell asleep.

I remembered every detail of that night. And I never wanted to forget it. I hoped that we could go back to that. That my confession would help us be that happy and in love again. That was all I really wanted.

_I know I’m no sweet prince of love_  
_Those times that we got drunk_  
_Maybe Jamaica rum_  
_Maybe some Johnny Dub_

That evening, Mike called.

“Hey, would you be up to go out tonight?” He asked.

“Um, I don't know.” I had wanted to spend some time with Elizabeth tonight.

“Oh come on,” he urged. “Let’s have some fun. Have a couple drinks. Maybe a couple women.” He laughed.

“I really shouldn’t.” I tried to argue.

“You should. You can’t just leave me hanging. I need my partner in crime.”

“You can’t get drunk and cheat on your wife alone?” I snapped.

“Hey now, don’t be like that.” He sounded offended. “Just come on.”

I sighed. I knew I shouldn’t, but sex and alcohol were my weaknesses, and I wasn’t strong enough to refuse them.

“Fine. I’ll go out.” I agreed.

“Great. I’ll pick you up in an hour?”

“Sure.” I hung up the phone and already regretted agreeing. I should’ve stood my ground, but I didn’t. And there was no way I was going to call and bail out.

Thankfully, Elizabeth wasn’t back yet when I left. I didn’t want to answer her questions about where I was going.

“Hey, P Boy,” Mike said as I hopped in his car.

“So where are we going?” I asked.

We went to our usual pub and ordered our usual drinks. And as usual, drank a few too many of them. I had walked in determined not to cheat on Elizabeth, but once I had a drink in my hand, that went out the window. Mike went out on the dance floor almost immediately, leaving me alone at the bar. A young woman sat down next to me.

“Hello, Philip,” She said quietly, turning to face me. It was the woman from Baron’s party.

“Hello, um,” Was I too drunk to remember her name, or had I just never asked for it? I was ashamed to admit to myself it was likely the latter. “What’s your name?”

“Sophia Scott.” She responded. She put a hand on my knee.

“Would you like a drink?” I offered.

“Sure.” She accepted. I ordered two more drinks for us. As we finished them, Mike approached us. There was a woman with him I’d never seen before.

“You two ready to go?” He asked.

“Can I come with?” Sophia asked, seeming uncertain.

“Of course.” I took her hand and led her out. We climbed in the backseat of Mike’s car. We were headed to his house. His wife was out of town. Sophia and I made out on the ride over.

When we got out, I led her up to a guest bedroom. We had another drink and made out some more before we had sex. When we finished, I rolled off her, but we didn’t fall asleep. Instead, we talked. Turns out, she was 33, only a year younger than me. I wanted to know more about her.

“So,” I wasn’t sure where to start. “Do you have a boyfriend? Husband?”

“No.” She answered. “I think I already know your answer to that question.” A twinge of guilt passed through me, but I ignored it.

“What’s your family like?” I asked.

“Well, growing up it was just me and my parents and my little sister, Venetia, who was five years younger than me.” She told me. “We were a happy, close-knit family. But it’s been hard lately.”

“What happened?”

“Venetia died.” She told me sadly. “She was hit by a bus during the Great Smog a few years ago.”

“I’m so sorry.” I kissed her on the cheek. “What was she like?”

“She was an extraordinary young woman.” She said. “She wanted to change the world. To be someone important, you know? She worked at Downing Street. She was Winston Churchill’s secretary. I remember how excited she was when she got the job. She’d always admired Churchill, and thought that this could be her chance to leave her mark on the world. I think she really could’ve been someone if she’d lived.” Sophia was crying. I wiped her tears. “I don’t want to talk about her anymore. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” She rolled over and I held her as she fell asleep. Without meaning to, I fell asleep too.

_Maybe you still think of us_  
_Phone buzz, and still I jump_  
_Why don’t I say it then?_  
_I want you all the time_

I woke up confused. Where was I?

“Shit.” I whispered when I realized. I was at Mike’s house. Naked, in bed with a woman that wasn’t Elizabeth. Sophia Scott. That was her name. Bits and pieces of the night before came back to me. I immediately felt guilty. Typical me, to apologize for cheating then going out and doing it again. I got out of bed and rushed to put my clothes on.

“What’s going on?” Sophia asked, waking up.

“I have to get home.” I told her.

“Back to your wife?” I winced.

“Yeah.”

“Let me come with.” She said. “I have to get home too.”

“Hurry up.” I told her.

Once we got dressed, we ran downstairs. Mike was already awake, reading a newspaper.

“Finally awake?” He teased. “It’s almost noon.”

“Are you serious?” I panicked. “I need to go home. Now.”

We got in his car again. The woman Mike had brought home had already left. This time, I sat in the passenger’s seat and Sophia sat alone in the back. Mike took me home first. I ran inside. I had to find Elizabeth. She was in her office.

“Elizabeth.” I said as I walked in the room. She looked up at me with an icy glare.

“Where were you last night?” She asked accusingly. “I waited up for you, but you never came.”

“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t meet her eyes.

“No you’re not.” She replied. “You never are. All you do is apologize then turn round and do exactly what you apologized for. And I’m done. I can’t deal with it anymore.”

“Lilibet, please.” I begged. “Can’t you give me one more chance?”

“I’ve given you plenty of chances, hundreds more than I should’ve. And you’ve blown every last one of them. I won’t give you another one. Maybe you can come back someday when you’ve grown the hell up.”

“Lilibet, I love you.” I said desperately.

“No you don’t.” She said. “I’ve believed that lie for years, but I can’t anymore. You’ve proven who you really are. Get out.”

I left. I hated myself. I had just destroyed my relationship with the woman I loved more than anything. I had really done it this time.

_Why can’t we laugh now like we did then?_  
_How come I see you and ache instead?_  
_How come you only look pleased in bed?_  
_Let’s climb the cliff edge and jump again_

I sat down on my bed and cried. Elizabeth was done with me and I couldn’t blame her. I wasn’t sure how she’d forgiven me all those times before. I had to know this would happen someday. I had to have known there was going to be a last straw. That she could only take so much.

I knew that. But I kept on with my immaturity anyway. I was a reckless fool, and now I was paying for it. If I was ever going to be able to win her back, and that was a huge if, I was going to have to prove I could change.

But I didn’t just want her back. I wanted the old Elizabeth back. I wanted us to be like we used to be. That would be the hardest thing of all. Because of that was going to happen, both of us would have to change.

_Pineapples are in my head_  
_(Pineapples are in my head)_  
_Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead_  
_(Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead)_

I sat in my room for most of the day, feeling sad and alone. I was upset, not to mention I had a slight hangover from the night before.

I needed to think about my problems, but thinking about them made them hurt worse. So I handled it the only way I knew how.

I got up and walked across my room, to grab my secret stash of alcohol. I could deal with my problems later. Right then, I just wanted to forget them.

Sadly, there wasn’t much left. I drank what there was and decided to take a nap instead.

In my dreams, Elizabeth was there. She sat at the edge of my bed crying. She wouldn’t look at me.

“All I ever wanted was for you to love me.” She cried. “And ever since I became queen, all you’ve ever done is refuse.”

“That’s not true.” I argued. “I do love you, darling.”

“Then act like it.” She turned to face me. Tears streamed down her face. “Prove it.” Suddenly, she disappeared.

I woke up knowing what I had to do. I had to prove to Elizabeth that I loved her. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I would. I had to.

_Pineapples are in my head_  
_(Pineapples are in my head)_  
_Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead_  
_(Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead)_

As I thought about what I could do, memories of happier times came back to me. Including the ones from the night we went cliff jumping. It was one of the best nights of my life. We were a kind of happy that night that I feared we could never be again.

Suddenly, the idea came to me. I knew how I could prove I still loved her. I had to take her back to those happier times. Remind her how we fell in love to begin with.

I reached for the phone and called my uncle.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Uncle Dickie? It’s me. Philip.”

“Philip, how are you doing?”

“I’m doing alright. I have a question.” I told him.

“What is it?”

“Do you still have that seafront cottage that Elizabeth and I used to stay in when we were courting?”

_Pineapples are in my head_   
_(Pineapples are in my head)_   
_Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead_   
_(Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead)_

The next day, I went to Elizabeth’s office again. She looked up when I entered.

“Get out.” She said when she saw me.

“Just hear me out, okay.” I refused to leave. “I realize that if I’m going to get another chance, I’m going to have to prove I love you. And I beg of you, to give me that last chance. I just want us to be happy again.”

“And what exactly do you plan on doing?” She asked skeptically.

“It’s a surprise.” I told her with a smile. “Meet me in the sitting room after you get off work.”

“Will you actually be there?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. I promise.”

_Pineapples are in my head_   
_(Pineapples are in my head)_   
_Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead_   
_(Got nobody ‘cause I’m brain dead)_

I was there when she got back, just like I’d promised. She gave a surprised smile.

“Come on. Let’s go.” I led her out to the car. I had picked up the keys to the cottage from Uncle Dickie earlier, so we wouldn’t have to make any stops. I refused to tell Elizabeth where we were going. I had packed a change of clothes for each of us, as well as some food and a bottle of whisky, that we would drop off at the cottage before we went to the cliffs.

“I remember this place.” Elizabeth smiled when we arrived. “We used to stay here when we were courting.”

“One of the best nights of my life happened here.” I told her.

“Oh? Which one?” She asked.

“You’ll see.” I replied. We dropped our bags inside, then I led her to the cliffs. We ran there just like that night, only this time, I led her.

“Do you remember this?” I asked her. She thought for a second, then her eyes widened.

“Of course!” She grinned. I took her hand.

“On the count of three.” I said. “One, two, three.”

We jumped. We landed in the water laughing. When I looked at her, I saw the woman I fell in love with all those years ago. I grabbed her and kissed her. She kissed back eagerly, and before we knew it, we were naked, making love in the water like we had so many years before.

When we finished, we put on our wet clothes and ran back to the cottage. We cuddled in front of the fire and drank whisky, before making love again. Everything was exactly how I remembered it, except it was even more meaningful now. Especially the look she gave me when we finished. It was a look not just of love, but of forgiveness.

“I’m sorry about everything,” I told her as we laid naked on the floor.

“I forgive you, as long as you promise that things really will change this time.” She replied.

“They will.” I held her tight and she cuddled up against me. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She told me. We closed our eyes. I have never slept better than I did that night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any suggestions for characters or situations you would like to see, leave them in the comments. I’m doing four more chapters. My last one will be either Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato or Be Alright by Ariana Grande, so please tell me which one of those you would like me to do. Thanks! :)


	14. Two Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Two Ghosts by Harry Styles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is from Philip’s POV.

_Same lips red, same eyes blue_  
_Same white shirt, couple more tattoos_  
_But it’s not you and it’s not me_

Elizabeth and I were looking through an old photo album sadly. We were so young and happy in these photos. Just from looking at us now, you wouldn’t be able to see the difference. But we weren’t the same people, and we knew it. The crown had changed everything.

“I’m sorry.” Elizabeth said quietly, closing the album. “I can’t do this.”

“You can’t look through old pictures and reminisce like a human being with emotions?” I snapped.

“I can’t be the woman in those photos. I wish I could be, but I can’t. I can’t even look at her. It hurts too much to remember who I used to be.” She explained.

“Where did she go?” I asked. “What happened to the Elizabeth I married?”

“She died when I became queen.” She told me. “What happened to you? What happened to the man I married?”

“You killed him.” I retorted. She winced. “You’re a horrible bitch, you know that?”

“What do you want from me?” She screamed out of nowhere.

“I want my wife back.” I walked out the door. I was crying, but I couldn’t let her see that. She was right. We couldn’t be that couple in the pictures anymore. So why did I keep trying?

 _Tastes so sweet, looks so real_  
_Sounds like something that I used to feel_  
_But I can’t touch what I see_

I wished Elizabeth wasn’t the queen. We should’ve had more time together before her father died. Maybe if we’d had more time, we could’ve worked out the wrinkles in our marriage before hand. But then again, the wrinkles in our marriage didn’t really appear until after she became queen.

I cried myself to sleep that night, wishing Elizabeth was in my arms.

The next day, I ran into Elizabeth in the hallway, and she took my breath away. She was wearing a dress that reminded me of something she wore when we first got married.

“You look beautiful.” I told her.

“Thanks.” She blushed, but there was awkwardness between us.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” I said.

“So am I.”

“Darling, you have nothing to be sorry for.” I kissed her on the cheek. “I was the one who was an asshole.”

“Are you sure?” She asked sadly. “I just feel like I must’ve done something wrong, or else you wouldn’t treat me like that.” Those words broke my heart.

“No. You did nothing wrong.” I pulled her into my arms. “I just, I don’t know why I act like that sometimes.”

“It’s not just sometimes.” She was crying. “It’s all the time.”

“Baby, I’m sorry.” I truly broke me to see how much I’d hurt her. “I am so sorry. Can you forgive me?”

“Yes.” She responded. “I shouldn’t, but I do.”

“I love you.” I kissed her on the lips.

“I love you too.” She replied. “I have to go to work.”

“Right. Will I see you later?” I let go of her.

“If you’re here.” She remarked.

As she walked away, I felt sad. We could apologize and make up as much as we wanted to, but it would never do any good. We would always just turn around and have another fight. Our marriage would never be normal again.

 _We’re not who we used to be_  
_We’re not who we used to be_  
_We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me_  
_Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat_

I made sure to be there when she got off work that evening. I wasn’t going out with Mike that night. I wanted to spend some time with her.

She was pleasantly surprised to see me reading a newspaper in the sitting room when she walked in the door.

“Hello, Philip.” She greeted me with a smile.

“Good evening, Lilibet.” I put down the newspaper and motioned for her to sit down next to me.

“I must admit, I’m surprised you’re still here.” She told me. “I thought you’d be out with Mike or whoever by now.”

“Not tonight.” I replied. “I wanted to spend some time with you.”

“I’d like that.” I leaned over and kissed her. “I love you.” She leaned her head on my shoulder.

“I love you too.”

And yet even as she moved closer to me, I could feel the distance between us. We talked for awhile, but the words all seemed empty. We were making an attempt at fixing our relationship, but it felt like we were trying to fix something that just didn’t exist anymore. But we sat there on the couch and pretended everything was okay. We pretended nothing was wrong, when in reality, nothing was right. It was almost like we weren’t human any more, like we weren’t alive. I realized that pretty much summed up our relationship. Two ghosts trying to keep a flame burning that had been extinguished long ago.

 _The fridge light washes this room white_  
_Moon dances over your good side_  
_This was all we used to need_

Suddenly, I had an idea. Our conversation was getting awkward, and I thought it would help if we didn’t have to talk. I got up and put a record in the record player. It was some romantic saxophone music.

“Would you like to dance?” I asked, reaching out my hand.

“Sure.” She took my hand and I led her to the window.

Moonlight streamed through the window, washing over us as a soft tenor saxophone played a beautiful melody in the background. Elizabeth looked absolutely gorgeous in the light. We danced and held each other tightly for a long time. And we said nothing.

We used to do things like this all the time. Back when we were happy. But now, I couldn’t remember the last time we’d done something romantic that was completely spontaneous. And even now, I’d only done it to end an awkward conversation. Because silence would have been even worse. At least with music playing, we could try to drown out our problems. Because why try to face problems we can’t fix?

I longed for the days when conversation was never awkward between us. For the days when we could bear silence. But those days were long gone. And they were never coming back.

 _Tongue-tied like we’ve never known_  
_Telling those stories we already told_  
_‘Cause we don’t say what we really mean_

Eventually, we got tired of dancing. I sat down with her on the couch. For a while, we sat in silence.

“So, um.” Elizabeth tried to start a conversation, but the words wouldn’t come. I couldn’t help her. The silence was unbearable, but there was nothing either of us could say. The silence seemed to grow deeper and sadder. Suddenly, Elizabeth started crying. She got up and ran to her bedroom.

“Lilibet,” I went after her but she slammed the door. Why didn’t I go in after her? Why didn’t I tell her I loved her? It wouldn’t have been much of a conversation, but it would’ve been something. And it would’ve been honest. But I hadn’t. I didn’t go in and I didn’t say anything. I just walked to my own bedroom, surrounded by deafening silence. Maybe that was why I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t hear her cry for help over the roaring silence between us.

 _We’re not who we used to be_  
_We’re not who we used to be_  
_We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me_

I laid down on my bed and just cried. There was nothing else I could do. My marriage was destroyed. I was losing the woman I loved. I was losing myself. And there was nothing I could do about it. Was I just supposed to lay down and take it? I couldn’t figure out anything else to do.

I wanted to go back to the way things were, but I was afraid that wasn’t possible. In fact, I was fairly certain that wasn’t possible. It broke my heart. I just wanted to be us again. But the crown had changed everything. It had changed us. We were hardly recognizable as ourselves anymore.

But I still loved her. I still needed her. If only she still needed me. If only Elizabeth Mountbatten hadn’t been taken over by Elizabeth Regina. She didn’t need anything but the crown now. And there was nothing I could do about it but cry.

 _We’re not who we used to be_  
_We’re not who we used to be_  
_We’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty_  
_Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat_

The next day, I walked passed Elizabeth in the hallway. She had clearly been crying, but was trying hard to compose herself. I stopped her.

“Lilibet, what’s wrong?” I asked, fearing it was me. She just shrugged and walked away. “Lilibet!” I called after her, but she kept walking.

I was growing increasingly concerned about her. She wasn’t who she used to be, and I was scared there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t think there was anything I could do to help her. She became more cold and distant by the hour it seemed. She just wasn’t herself anymore.

Now, maybe I wasn’t myself anymore either, but it was her that changed me. Well, it was the crown that changed us both. But we had handled it in different ways. I had dealt with it by going out and drinking, which weren’t great decisions, but at least I hadn’t retreated. It was almost as if Elizabeth had just died. Maybe it was the grieving that made me drink so much.

And she wouldn’t talk to me about what was wrong. I decided I had to figure it out myself. Every monarch changes when they take the throne, but it shouldn’t be that extreme, should it? I was worried there was something seriously wrong, and I decided I had to find out for myself.

I went to her room, unsure of what to look for or even where to look for it. I looked on her vanity, and at first I saw nothing. I picked up an unframed photo of us, because I thought it was cute. But then I saw a red stain on the corner. I gasped. Was it blood? I noticed another stain on the vanity itself. I got really concerned. I desperately searched every drawer and every box until I found what I feared. A small, bloody knife. Was she harming herself? I sat down and cried. I didn’t know how, but I knew I had to help her.

 _We’re not who we used to be_  
_We’re not who we used to be_  
_We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me_

I waited for Elizabeth in her room until she came back. I didn’t even bother to eat lunch. I had lost my appetite.

The thought of my poor, sweet Lilibet cutting herself sickened me. I was way beyond worried about her. I felt guilty for not figuring it out before. But I hadn’t seen any signs. I never saw any cuts on her arms or anything. But I still felt like I should’ve realized something was seriously wrong before now.

“Philip, what are you doing in here?” Elizabeth’s voice made me jump. She was walking towards me, confused. I wasn’t sure how to start this conversation, so I took a deep breath and just started.

“Lilibet, what’s this?” I asked her softly, holding up the knife. A look of panic crossed her face, and I knew my fears were right.

“Give me that.” She tried to grab it, but I wouldn’t let her.

“No. What is this for? What are you doing with this?” I demanded, trying to stay calm.

“It’s, I just, I,” She tried to explain, but she couldn’t. She broke down in tears. I put the knife down and wrapped her in my arms.

“Shh,” I comforted her, planting a kiss in her hair. I was crying too. I put a finger under her chin and lifted her face up to meet mine. “Lilibet, look at me. Have you been harming yourself?” She nodded and buried her face in my chest, sobbing.

For awhile we both cried and said nothing. Eventually, I had to speak again.

“I have so many questions.” I told her.

“Like what?”

“Where? And why?” I asked her. She pulled away from me.

“Would you like to see?” She offered. I nodded and grabbed her arm, but there was nothing. She shook her head and pulled her arm away. “Can you unzip my dress?” She asked turning around. I did as she asked.

She turned back around to face me and undressed down to her bra and underwear. And I saw them. The scars all over the front of her thighs. I gasped.

“Would you like to touch them?” She asked. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to, but I didn’t feel as though I could refuse. I walked toward her and ran a hand up her thigh then down the other. I flinched as I felt the scars.

“Why?” I asked her.

“Because I could hide them there. If I cut my arms, someone would be able to see them.” She explained. I sighed and sat down. She crawled in my lap and I held her.

“That’s not what I meant.” I told her. “I mean, why have you been cutting yourself?”

“Because I can’t handle this anymore. Everyone hates me. I can’t be myself anymore. I’ve been forced to let myself die at the hands of another woman. And now everyone hates me. Mummy, Margaret, you. But it’s not like I can show emotions in front of anyone. So I have to find other ways to deal with them.” She explained.

“First of all, I don’t hate you. Second of all, why don’t you find a healthy way to deal with your emotions?” I suggested.

“Such as?”

“Talk to someone. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“How can I tell you when you’re never here to listen?” That hurt. I felt as though this was my fault, even though I knew it was a lot of things combined that had manifested in this nasty habit.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered. “I promise I will be here for you from now on. You need me and I want to help you.”

“You won’t be here.” She responded. I could feel the wave of sadness wash over her, and I suddenly understood why she had done it. Everything had built up this depression and anxiety in her mind, telling her everyone hated her and it was all her fault. That no one would ever be there for her or love her. And she dealt with it by cutting. By releasing the mental pain through physical pain. It was a vicious cycle, and I was going to be there to help her end it.

“I will be there.” I promised. “I know it seems like I’ve turned my back on you, but I promise never to turn away again. I will be here to hold you and comfort you and listen to you whenever you need it.”

“Really?” She still seemed unconvinced.

“Yes. I love you.”

 _We’re not who we used to be_  
_We don’t see what we used to see_  
_We’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty_  
_Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat_

We laid back on her bed, and for awhile I just held her there while she cried. Eventually, her tears dried, but the shock of what I had found out wouldn’t fade. I knew I had to be there for her from now on. I couldn’t let this happen again. She fell asleep, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking. The second I felt her stir, I was snapped from my thoughts.

“Philip?” She said. I looked at the clock. It was three in the morning. How long had we been laying here?

“What Lilibet?”

“What do I do now?” She asked.

“Well for starters,” I said getting up and walking to her vanity. She sat up. “Get rid of this.” I picked up her knife. She looked like she was going to argue but quickly thought better of it.

“Alright.” She agreed. “How?”

“You stay here.” I told her. “I’m going to get rid of it.” I didn’t want her to follow me. I didn’t want her to know where I had thrown it away, just in case she wanted to use it again. I threw it away in my room and came back.

“Is it gone?” She asked as I reentered the room.

“It is.” I informed her.

“So what now?” She asked.

“Is there anything else in here you have used or could use to harm yourself?” I inquired.

“No.”

“Are you sure?” I wanted to believe her, but I had to be absolutely sure.

“Yes. You can search my room if you want to.” She invited. “You won’t find anything.”

“I’m far too tired to search your room.” I told her. “I believe you.”

“But what do I do now?”

“Well, we need to talk.” I told her. “We have a lot of problems, and right now we aren’t solving any of them. If we are ever going to be happy again, we need to talk. So from now on, whenever you get sad, whenever you have a problem, come talk to me. And please, darling, don’t ever do anything to harm yourself ever again.”

 _Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat_  
_I’m just trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat_

Our relationship improved significantly over the next few weeks. I hardly ever went out with Mike anymore. And Elizabeth started talking to me. We started talking through our issues, instead of letting them drive us apart. We even started sleeping in the same bed again, something we hadn’t done in years. We were so much happier.

I was hopeful that we could go back to the way things were, at least for the most part. She would always be the queen now, but as long as we didn’t let the crown force its way into the bedchamber, we could still be who we used to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first off, some of you might be wondering why I went there with the whole cutting thing. I didn’t start this with the intention of writing about that, and when the idea came to me I initially decided not to. But then I thought about it. And I realized that self-harm/depression/suicidal thoughts are important issues to address. They are things that several of my friends have struggled with. And if anyone reading this is struggling with this, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Please find help and talk to someone, whether it’s someone you know or through an online therapy website (7cups is good and it’s free). And please remember that your life is worth living and that there are people who love you and care about. 
> 
> On a lighter note, I am doing three more chapters. If you have any situations or characters you’d like to see, please leave them in the comments. Also, I am debating between doing either Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato or Be Alright by Ariana Grande for the last chapter, so please let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks! :)


	15. Shatter Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Shatter Me by Lindsey Stirling ft. Lzzy Hale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is really based off a question I had. What if Elizabeth’s first constitutional crisis hadn’t been about Margaret, but about herself? It was an interesting idea to think about and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!

_I pirouette in the dark_  
_I see the stars through a mirror_  
_Tired mechanical heart_  
_Beats til the song disappears_

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I knew we would both be better off for it. Philip told me he wanted a divorce, and after an ugly argument, I agreed to it. I loved him, but this relationship wasn’t doing either of us any good.

I thought back to the days leading up to Philip’s announcement. There was one argument in particular that was the main catalyst in this. I had caught Philip cheating on me. I had caught him in the act.

I was walking back to my room one evening last week, and I heard giggling coming from his room. I peeked my head in, and saw him and another woman having sex. I didn’t know what to do. I had suspected for awhile, but I had never expected him to do something so brash as to bring a woman home while I was there. Perhaps he was so drunk he forgot. Or he just didn’t care. Either way, I wasn’t going to put up with it.

I walked in his room and confronted him.

“What the hell are you doing?” I screamed. He rolled off her startled. He turned to me angrily.

“Get out!”

“I just caught you sleeping with another woman and you think I should just get out?”

The other woman put on her clothes and started to leave.

“Wait,” Philip called after her, but she left. I wanted to drop kick him to the sun. “Goddammit.” He muttered. “Why would you do that, bitch?”

“You thought I was just going to find you fucking another woman and be okay with it? What the hell is wrong with you?” I thought I might cry.

“You were supposed to turn a blind eye like every other woman.” I rolled my eyes.

“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t do what I was supposed to do.” I said sarcastically. “But I’m not the one in the wrong here.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” Philip argued. “It’s not like I ever see you.”

“Well maybe if you weren’t always out getting shitfaced and being a jackass, you would see me.” Suddenly, Philip snapped. He pushed me against the wall and punched me in the face.

“Let’s be honest here. The problem is that I don’t want to see you.” He hit me again. “You’re a selfish, petty, bitch, and you become less human by the day.” He hit me at every insult, and grabbed my throat with his other hand. “How anyone can stand to be around you is beyond me. Get the fuck out.”

He threw me out of the room and slammed the door. I sunk to the floor and cried. And it was in that moment, that I realized our marriage would never recover. We had crossed the point of no return.

So looking back on everything, I knew this divorce would ultimately be for the best. But I knew I would have to fight the government and the church to do it. It would be one hell of a battle, but I was more than prepared to do it.

 _Somebody shine a light_  
_I’m frozen by the fear in me_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

I had an audience with the prime minister the next day. I prayed to God that Winston would support me in this. Perhaps, if he supported me, he could persuade cabinet to support me too.

I brought up the subject as quickly as I could, so he wouldn’t get carried away and run out of time.

“There is a delicate personal matter that has come up recently, that I need to discuss with you.” I started nervously. “You may be aware that my marriage to Philip hasn’t been going well lately. We have decided, that we want to get divorced.”

“Ma’am, I’m afraid that may be impossible.” Winston responded.

“Why?” I asked, knowing full well the reasons.

“It would create an enormous scandal. And besides, the church, of which you are the head, would never allow it.” He informed me.

“I’m sure the public, if informed of the reasons why, would support me in the matter. After all, anyone else in the country could get divorced if they wanted to.”

“And what exactly are the reasons?” He inquired. I took a deep breath.

“Adultery. And abuse.” He seemed to expect adultery, but the emotional abuse surprised him. However, he voiced none of that.

“I can take the temperature of cabinet, but I’m afraid the answer will be no.”

“And I am prepared to fight until I can get out of this toxic relationship.” I replied. “Is there anything else you wanted to discuss, or shall we call it a day?”

“We shall call it a day.” He kissed me on the hand and left.

Later that day, I met with Tommy Lascelles, my private secretary. I was even more nervous to discuss the matter with him, knowing how much of a stickler for tradition he was.

“Tommy, there is something I need to discuss with you.” I took a deep breath. “Philip and I have decided that we want to divorce.”

“Your Majesty want to or he wants to?” He asked, much to my dismay.

“It was his idea, but I agree with him.” I explained. “It breaks my heart and it won’t be easy, but it would be better for both of us.”

“Your Majesty may be aware of the difficulties involved here.” He said. “For you and your husband to divorce would create an enormous scandal, not to mention the legal issues. The Church of England, of which Your Majesty is the head, is opposed to divorce as Christian marriage is considered indissoluble.”

“But the entire reason the Church of England was created was so Henry VIII could divorce Catherine of Aragon.” I argued. “What happened?”

“Things have changed.”

“Are you trying to tell me that England is more backwards now than it was in the 1500s?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Ma’am,”

“No. I get it.” I stood up. “I will have to fight a long, hard battle to divorce Philip. But this is a toxic relationship, and I need to get out of it. We both do.”

“Of course I cannot stop Your Majesty from trying, but I would like to warn you. Stop and think about how the last divorce scandal ended. Consider the fact that the last time the monarchy brushed up against divorce, it ended in the monarch’s abdication, which in turn, almost took down the whole institution.” Tommy’s disapproving gaze bored into me as he lectured me.

“I am quite aware of all of those things.” I said determinedly. “And I am here to assure you that this will not end the same way.”

 _So cut me from the line_  
_Dizzy, spinning endlessly_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

The next afternoon, I received a visit from Mummy. Tommy Lascelles was with her. He must have told her. I certainly didn’t.

“Mummy, this is a surprise.” I told her. That was a lie. I knew she was coming over. Margaret told me. She saw her leaving Clarence House while I was on the phone with her. I had called Margaret this morning to tell her the news about me and Philip. She was sad, but supported me in our decision. At least someone did.

“Lilibet,” Mummy began. “I am aware that you and Philip have had problems. I am aware that you’re going through a hard time. But you and Philip have to work things out.”

“How?” I asked. “How can we work things out when Philip doesn’t even want to? The more I think about it, the less sure I am that I even want to.”

“But you love him.” Mummy argued.

“I do. But he doesn’t love me. And it’s doing me no good to stay in this toxic relationship.” I told her sadly. “This wasn’t an easy decision to make, but the more I think about it, the more I know it was the right one.”

“But it is not the right decision.” Tommy spoke up. “As I have already told you, it would create the most enormous scandal.”

“Don’t mistake your current popularity for long term security.” Mummy insisted. “Your uncle's scandal nearly destroyed the monarchy. This could.”

“It won’t Mummy.” I argued.

“You can’t possibly know that.” Tommy said ominously.

“You can’t possibly know that it will.” I said. “I would actually argue that it would be better for everyone if Philip was gone. Besides, you never wanted me to marry him to begin with.”

“But you did.” Mummy snapped. “And that was an irreversible decision.”

“Was it?” I questioned.

“What are the reasons anyway?” Mummy asked.

“For what?” I was taken aback by the sudden question.

“For wanting a divorce?”

“Adultery.” I responded. “And abuse.” Mummy gasped.

“Those are his reasons for wanting to divorce you?”

“No. Mine for wanting to divorce him. He just simply doesn’t love me anymore. Hence, he cheats on me and abuses me.” I explained.

“What exactly do you mean by  abuse?” Mummy demanded. “I need specific examples.”

“It may be possible Your Majesty is simply taking things the wrong way.” Tommy suggested. That infuriated me.

“I mean, he calls me a psychotic bitch on a daily basis. He rarely ever speaks to me except to yell at me and tell me what kind of inhuman creature I’m becoming.” I explained. “The other day, when I returned from the stables, he looked up at me and glared. And you know what he said to me? ‘It’s no wonder you like horses to much. You look like one.’ And then he walked away. Not to mention he flagrantly cheats on me like he doesn’t even care. It’s all started to take a psychological toll on me.”

Neither of them seemed sympathetic to my complaints.

“Has he ever,” Mummy started, but couldn’t finish her question.

“Has he ever what, Mummy?” I demanded.

“Physically harmed you?” She finished. I flashed back to the fight that brought on our decision to divorce. I didn’t want to admit it, but I had to. I nodded shyly.

“How?” She asked.

“He punched me, he hit me, he choked me, and he threw me to the ground.” Their eyes widened.

“How many times has this happened?” Mummy inquired. Tommy still didn’t seem to care, but Mummy was growing genuinely concerned.

“The choking thing only happened once.” I explained. “But the punching and hitting has happened several times before.” I wanted to cry, but I wouldn’t let myself. Not in front of them. “I don’t wish to discuss the matter any further.”

“Lilibet, I understand how much pain this must be causing you,” Mummy started.

“You can’t possibly.” I cut her off.

“But can’t you at least try to work this out? Maybe you and Philip could try marriage counseling or something.” Mummy suggested.

“No. I have to get out of this relationship, and I am determined to do it. Period. End of discussion.”

After they left, I went out to the stables. I needed to get my mind off everything. Porchey was there.

“How are you Lilibet?” He asked.

“I’ve been better.” I replied.

“What’s wrong?”

“Philip and I have decided to get divorced.” I told him. “And now everyone’s throwing a fit because the church and parliament won’t allow it and it will create a scandal. Because no one around me cares about my well being. God forbid I think it's a good idea to divorce a man who cheats on me and abuses me.”

“I’m sorry.” He said, pulling me into his arms. I didn’t want to, but I started to cry. I was just so upset about everything.

“Why doesn’t anyone care about me?” I asked. “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” He planted a kiss in my hair.

“I care about you.” He told me. “I love you.”

“What?” I pulled away, confused.

“You heard me. I love you.” He hesitated for a moment, and then leaned down and kissed me on the lips. After a moment of shock passed, I kissed back. A flash of guilt passed through me, but I pushed it away. I wasn’t really married anymore, was I?

The kiss took me back in time. To our first kiss. My first kiss. I was 12 and he was 14. We had been at these very stables with our fathers, when suddenly, he took my hand and we ran behind one of the buildings. He had paused with a slight hesitation, like he had just now, before he leaned down and kissed me. This kissed reminded me a lot of that, except now, it was more passionate and more experienced.

When we finally broke apart, neither of us knew what to do or say. For a minute, we just stood there and laughed awkwardly.

“So, do you want to go for a ride?” He finally suggested.

“Sure.” I accepted.

We saddled up our horses and rode out of the stables. He lead the way, and I quickly figured out where he was taking me. It was our old hideout spot. An old oak tree in a hilly field, not too far from the stables. We got off our horses and I cuddled up to him under the tree. We’d made a lot of memories here. It was our favorite escape during the war, while Philip was gone. In fact, I had lost my virginity here, on my 18th birthday. We both had. I think we both learned a lot about sex under this tree. So I guess if Philip had anyone to thank for all those blissful nights when we first got married, it was Porchey. Ironic, considering how much he hated him now.

But that day, we just cuddled. I felt comforted. I really felt safe and loved in his arms. If only I’d listened to Mummy all those years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t be in the mess now if I had. Maybe I would be happily married to Porchey now. As we sat under this tree, I wondered if, one day, we still could be.

 _Shatter me_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

The next day, I had another meeting with Winston Churchill.

“The news of your divorce plans have leaked to the papers.” He told me.

“Yes. And they seem supportive.” I remarked. It was true. The people supported me, just like I thought they would.

“Yes. But the people are not your obstacle. I have put the matter of your divorce to parliament.” He informed me. “And, as I warned you, it was a unanimous no.”

“Well it’s not their decision, is it?” I retorted.

“It is.” He insisted. “You need their permission to divorce.”

“Well, I’ll just have to find a way to get it then, won’t I?” I smirked. “After all, I have learned that parliament includes no fewer than four divorced men. How can you justify allowing them to divorce, but denying me the same right?”

“They are not the head of the Church of England. A church which is vehemently opposed to divorce.”

“Also a Church that was started by King Henry VIII so that he could divorce his wife.” I argued.

“With all due respect, King Henry VIII is hardly someone who should be setting your moral compass.”

“I’m not asking to divorce and remarry five more times, nor am I asking to behead two of those spouses. I am simply asking to get out of an unhealthy marriage. Is that so terrible?”

“According to the church, yes it is.”

“And yet, the church isn’t who I have to get permission from.” I pointed out. “I can easily overrule them or change a few outdated laws. I need permission from parliament. And you have no reason not to give it.”

“Ma’am we have no reason to give it.”

“I’ll give you a reason.” I said, half under my breath. “You may go.”

After the meeting, I went back to my room and called Margaret. We were going to have tea today, but after talking to Winston, I had a slight change of plans.

“Hello, you.” She said when she answered.

“Hello, you.” I replied. “Were you still coming for tea today?”

“Yes, why?”

“A slight change of plans. Can you bring your camera?” I asked.

“Yes, why?”

“I have an idea.”

“What is it?” She inquired.

“I need some help convincing parliament to let me and Philip get divorced. So, I have arranged to have a conversation with him today, and I want you to hide and take pictures if anything happens that you think might help me in my case.” I explained.

“So if he starts screaming or hits you or anything, take a picture.”

“Yes.”

“Then do what with it.”

“Send it into the papers anonymously. Or have someone else do it.” I told her.

“Alright. I think I can do that.”

“Thank you.” I was grateful for her help. I desperately needed it.

“Anytime.”

At four o’clock, Margaret and I met in my room. I told her to hide in the curtains. Philip was due back any minute.

“Philip,” I called when I saw him coming down the hallway.

“Oh, right. You wanted to talk.” He didn’t sound pleased.

“Yeah. Come here.” I led him to my bedroom.

“What do you want?” He demanded.

“I’m afraid I have bad news.” I told him. “Parliament won’t let us divorce.”

“It’s none of their business.” He said angrily.

“I think you’ll find it’s very much their business.”

“How?” He yelled, getting in my face. I heard the click of the camera, but he didn’t. “How is it any of their business if I don’t want to be married to a psycho bitch anymore?”

“Because we need their permission.” I explained.

“Christ woman, we need parliament’s permission to breathe, don’t we?” He sounded annoyed.

“It does feel that way.” I replied. “But if I can’t convince them to let us, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

That set him off. He grabbed me by the collar. Another click.

“That’s what this is about isn’t it?” He slapped me in the face. Another click. “You’re trying to keep me tied down to you.” He threw me to the floor and I hit my head on the bed. Another click. “Because you’re clingy and obsessive. And you just can’t let go, can you?” He leaned down and punched me in the face. I was vaguely aware Margaret was there, but I was scared to tears. Another click. Philip heard that one. “What the hell was that?”

“It,” I tried to explain, but he cut me off.

“That was a camera, wasn’t it? Did you invite someone in here to take pictures of us? To make me look bad?” He slapped me again. Another click. He whipped around and stormed toward the curtains. He pulled them aside to reveal Margaret. He tried to knock the camera out of her hands, but she wouldn’t let him.

“I’m here to help.” She told him.

“Help Elizabeth make me look like a piece of shit?”

“To help both of you.” She smiled. “After all, parliament can’t really refuse her divorce from a man who’s beating her, can they?”

Suddenly he calmed.

“And now exactly will these pictures help?” He asked.

“Margaret is going to have them sent into a newspaper. They’re going to publish them, and force parliament’s hand to let us divorce.” I explained.

“It’s still going to make me look like a piece of shit.” He remarked. “But if it will make me a single piece of shit, then I guess I can’t complain. But this better bloody work.” He said walking out.

“Oh it will.” I called after him. “It has to.”

”Did he just admit he’s a piece of shit?” I asked Margaret when he left.

”At least he knows.” She remarked. We laughed.

 _If only the clockwork could speak I wouldn’t be so alone_  
_We’d burn every magnet and spring_  
_And spiral into the unknown_

I didn’t know how Margaret had done it and I didn’t care. The next day, the pictures appeared in the papers. Headlines and stories painted me as a battered wife, trying to escape an abusive, cheating husband, and ripping parliament apart for not letting me divorce him. If this didn’t force their hand, nothing would.

“Well done,” I said when I called Margaret.

“No problem.”

“The papers did exactly what I wanted them to.” I remarked. “Now hopefully parliament will too.”

“Hopefully. If there’s anything else you need, just call me.” She offered.

“I will. Thanks again, by the way.”

“You’re welcome.”

I was set to discuss the matter of my divorce with Winston again this afternoon, but first, I had another visit from Mummy and Tommy Lascelles. Joy.

“Lilibet,” Mummy began. “I know that this is hard for you. I understand that you want to divorce Philip. But what you’ve done is unacceptable.”

“Mummy,” I started to argue, but she cut me off.

“And don’t even try to say you had nothing to do with this because I know you did.”

“I had to!” I argued. “It was the only way I could think of to convince parliament to allow us to divorce. I figured if they saw the abuse for themselves, and if I could really push public support on this, they would have no choice.”

“Except they do still have a choice.” Tommy said. “And even if they do allow this, which they shouldn’t, you still have to get past the Church. Which you will never do.”

“The Church is the easy part.” I smiled. “All I have to do is change a few laws to allow it. After all, the public supports me. They support a more tolerant attitude towards marriage and divorce. Maybe the church could change its laws to be more in step with the people. Right now, it seems dated and out of touch. Doesn’t really seem to match the society we live in.”

“Those are your husband’s words.” Mummy said. “Trying to modernize everything.”

“I don’t always agree with Philip, but he is right sometimes.” I said. “And I think the church should modernize, at least to some extent.”

“This sounds like something your uncle would’ve done.” Tommy remarked. “He was all about modernizing. Need I remind you how that ended?”

“You needn’t.” I stated. “I will not abdicate the throne. I refuse to do it. If worse comes to worse Philip and I can stay legally married but privately live our own separate lives.”

The conversation went nowhere. I was never going to convince either of them that this was a good idea. But it wasn’t their support I needed, so I decided it didn’t matter. The meeting with Winston was what I was nervous about.

“Ma’am, after the papers came out this morning, I met with cabinet again.” He told me. “And they are aware of the kind of public outcry that is occurring and how it will escalate if we force you to stay in this marriage. Furthermore, seeing in pictures the kind of abuse he has inflicted on you has persuaded several members of cabinet to support you. There are a few that remain violently opposed to the idea, Lord Salisbury even threatened to resign rather that agree to what he sees as a direct violation of the Church’s teachings. But, lucky for you, the majority are now in favor of allowing the divorce. After all, no one ever much cared for Philip anyway.”

I was speechless. My plan had really worked.

“Thank you.” That was all I could say.

“Well, don’t thank me too much.” He smiled. “Cabinet doesn’t know, but I do.”

“Know what?”

“That you were the one behind those pictures.”

“How did you know that?” I asked.

“Well how else would those have been taken?” He smiled. “Besides, taking an opportunity to tug at their heart strings like that is just the kind of clever thing you would come up with. Now comes the other obstacle. The Church.”

  
“Can’t I just change a few laws to allow divorce?” I asked.

“You could. However, that would create controversy.” He warned. “Remember, you are the head of the Church. They tectonically cannot stop you from doing anything. They will try their hardest to convince you not to do it, but it’s the ball is entirely in your court now.”

Later that day, Tommy Lascelles appeared in my office again. This time, without Mummy.

“The Archbishop of Canterbury wishes to have a meeting with you regarding your divorce scandal.” He informed me.

“He can have a meeting here at 10 A.M. tomorrow.” I replied. I was not looking forward to this.

The Archbishop arrived at 10 A.M. on the dot. He sat down with a look of disdain and concern.

“As the Head of the Church, it is your responsibility to uphold the values of the Church of England.” He began. “And one of those values is marriage. Divorce is a direct contradiction of that.”

“But times are changing. People’s attitudes towards marriage and divorce are much more tolerant than they used to be.” I argued. “Besides, don’t you think it’s a little hypocritical for a Church that was founded so the king could divorce, to be so against it?” He ignored my argument entirely, which frustrated me, but also further convinced me I was right.

“It is the duty of the monarch to uphold the teachings of the church.” He repeated. “And one of those teachings is that Christian marriage is indissoluble.”

“I didn’t realize abuse and cheating were part of a Christian marriage.” I retorted.

“They are things you have to work through.” He replied. “You and Philip just need to take time to work things out.”

“You think we haven’t tried to work things out? We have. And it’s just not working. It would be far better for both of us to end our marriage. And the people support me in this. And now, so does Cabinet.”

“This divorce would be in direct defiance of the Church of which you are the head.”

“I was thinking, that maybe the church should change it’s rules about divorce. To keep up with the times.” He looked personally offended by my suggestion.

“That’s preposterous.” He gasped. “Your job is to uphold the Church’s rules, not to change them to suit your wants. This sounds like something your uncle would’ve tried.” I rolled my eyes. I was sick of that comparison. I took a deep breath. This man was never going to care about my wellbeing.

“Look, I need to get out of this relationship. And I don’t need your permission to do it. I am your boss, not the other way around.” He was stunned speechless. “You may go.”

 _Somebody shine a light_  
_I’m frozen by the fear in me_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

I did it. I defied the church and my courtiers. Philip had to be the one to file, but we filed for divorce. I had to admit, it hurt a little to do it. I was never really convinced I would be able to do it, so I’d never really thought about what I’d do after it happened.

I thought I would be happy, and I was a little bit. But mostly I just felt lonely. It was a bittersweet feeling.

It was sad, knowing this was really the end, but I took comfort in the fact that we would both be better off. Charles and Anne were upset, but we reassured them that they would still see Philip quite a bit.

Watching Philip pack up his things and move out was hard. Never again would I come home to see him. Never again would we wake up in the same bed. But I also knew, that never again would I have to deal with the emotional pain of his cheating. Never again would I have to deal with his emotional and physical abuse.

That evening, Porchey called.

“Hello?” I picked up the phone.

“Lilibet,” he began. “I don’t know whether to say ‘congratulations’ or ‘I’m sorry.’”

“Both.”

“Would you like to get together tonight to, um, celebrate, or mourn?” He offered.

“Sure.” I accepted. I was grateful for the company.

Porchey picked me up at seven.

“So where are we going?” I asked, getting in his car. “Nowhere public, I hope.”

“I was thinking we could spend the night at Highclere.” He suggested. Highclere was his father’s estate about an hour and a half south of London.

“I didn’t bring a change of clothes or anything.”

“You can always wear that dress again tomorrow, at least until you get back to the palace.” We had already driven away.

“But what am I supposed to sleep in?”

“Darling, you could sleep naked if you wanted to.” He replied. My eyes widened. Was he suggesting something?

“Alright.” I laughed. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he put one arm around me.

When we finally arrived at Highclere, he led me up to his room. His father was reading a newspaper in the sitting room and didn’t even acknowledge us as we passed him. Porchey’s room at Highclere was almost exactly like I remembered it, even though he hadn’t lived there for years.

He grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses off the table and poured us each one.

“A toast.” He suggested. “To,” He paused. “To freedom.”

“To freedom.” I smiled.

We took a drink. When we set our glasses down, he looked at me. And this time, there was no hesitation. He leaned down and kissed me. The kiss quickly grew more passionate. Before we realized what we were doing, we were undressing each other. He pushed me back on the bed, then hesitated.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked.

For a split second, I was going to say no. But then I realized, I was divorced. I was a single woman now.

“Fuck it.” I told him. “And by that, I mean fuck me.”

And he did. We clearly hadn’t forgotten all those things we learned under the tree when we were teenagers. If anything, we were way better at this now.

When we finished, he rolled off me.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.” I replied, smiling. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had told me they loved me and meant it.

 _So cut me from the line_  
_Dizzy, spinning endlessly_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

Two years had passed since Philip and I got divorced. The more time passed the more the wounds Philip had created healed. I wasn’t sure I would ever truly stop loving him, but I had moved on.

The last two years had been eventful. I had gone on a Commonwealth Tour by myself. Well, with staff, but no family. Margaret had deputized for me, and aside from a few minor issues, had done surprisingly well. Winston had recently retired, leaving Anthony Eden as Prime Minister. Tommy Lascelles has retired the too. Michael Adeane was my private secretary now.

I had just returned from our family trip to Balmoral, where we celebrated Margaret’s 25th birthday. As soon as I could, I went to the stables to talk to Porchey. He had said he needed to speak with me as soon as I got back.

“Hello, Porchey.” I greeted him. He gave me a hug.

“I’m glad you’re back Lilibet.” He responded. I kissed him.

“So am I.”

“I was wondering, if you would like to come over to my apartment tonight.” He suggested.

“For what?”

“For dinner and drinks.”

“Alright.” I accepted. “What time will you pick me up?”

“Seven.”

“I’ll be ready and waiting.” I smiled. I thought he must have been planning something.

He picked me up at seven on the dot. He took me to his apartment, where his cook had made dinner and poured us each a glass of wine.

“You may leave us now.” He told the cook when she had finished serving us. When she left the room, he took a deep breath before speaking.

“At moments like this, I wish I were a poet instead of a horse breeder.” He remarked.

“Yes, but we all know I’m not into romantic poet types.” I smiled.

“That’s true.” He took a sip of wine before continuing. “Lilibet, I’ve loved you for a very long time. Pretty much since the moment I met you. And I would like to continue loving you for the rest of my life. So I was wondering,” he pulled a box out of his pocket and set it on the table. “Will you marry me?” He opened the box. Inside, was a beautiful diamond ring. I gasped.

“Porchey, I would love too, but.” I sighed.

“That sounds like a no.”

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no.” That wasn’t what I meant.

“Twenty nos.”

“It’s not a no.” I told him. “I really would love to marry you. But I’m not sure if I can.”

“Why not?”

“Because of the church.” I explained. “The Church of England does not permit the remarriage of divorced persons while the former spouse is still alive. I am divorced and Philip, my ex-husband, is still alive. I already defied the church once when I divorced Philip. To marry you would create yet another scandal, another crisis, only two years after the first.”

“Surely they didn’t expect you to stay single for the rest of your life.”

“On the contrary, I believe that was the unspoken agreement.” Porchey looked upset. I was too, but I didn’t want to tell him yes only to have to break his heart later.

“But, if you can marry me, if you can work it out, will you?” He took my hand.

“Yes.”

 _Shatter me_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

I came home that night happy but sad. I desperately wanted to marry Porchey. He made me feel loved in a way I hadn’t in years. But I knew it would be difficult. And even if I were to succeed, there would be a long hard battle ahead.

I didn’t tell anyone at first. Not even Margaret. I needed it to remain a secret until I knew how to handle it. Still, I wore the ring he gave me. In private at least. I took it off for meetings and appearances.

I decided I would bring up the matter to Anthony Eden during our next audience. I was nervous about it, but I had to do it eventually.

“I have something I need to discuss with you.” I told him when we finished discussing the politics of the day. “You may be aware that I have been courting Lord Porchester since shortly after my divorce came through. Well, a few nights ago, he proposed to me. And I would like to marry him.”

“Ma’am, I’m afraid that may be impossible.” He responded awkwardly. “The Church does not permit the remarriage of divorced persons if the spouse of the former marriage is still alive.”

“Is there a way around that?” I inquired.

“Not that I’m aware of, but the church doesn’t even allow divorce and you worked your way around that. However, this would be your second scandal in three years.”

“It will be another hard battle, but I am prepared to fight it.” I told him. “Could you take the temperature of Cabinet on the matter?”

“Of course. Although I should warn you, they probably won’t like the idea.”

After our audience, I knew I had to tell Margaret and Mummy. It would only be a matter of time now before the story broke in the papers and I wanted them to hear it from me. I had to tell the children too. And Philip.

I would tell Margaret and Mummy first. I picked up the phone to call Margaret. I debated just telling her over the phone, but I decided I wanted to do it in person.

“Hello, you.” Margaret said when she picked up the phone.

“Hello, you.” I responded. “I was wondering if you could come over for dinner tomorrow night?”

“Sure. Any special occasion?”

“Yes, kind of. I’ll tell you then. I’m inviting Mummy as well.”

“Why?”

“Because I have something to tell you.” I explained.

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah. I have to call Mummy now.”

I hung up and dialed Mummy’s phone. I was a little more nervous about calling her. I figured she would ask more questions than Margaret.

“Mummy,” I started when she answered. “Would you be able to come to dinner tomorrow night?”

“Why?” She asked.

“Because I have something to tell you.”

“Who all will be there?”

“Just me, you, and Margaret.” I took a deep breath. “And maybe Porchey.”

“What exactly do you have to tell me?” She sounded like she suspected what was going on and she did not sound happy about it.

“You’ll find out then. Can you come?”

“Yes.”

“Great. I’ll see you then.” I hung up. I didn’t want to invite more questions.

I called Porchey next and invited him next.

“Porchey,”

“Hello, Lilibet.”

“Would you be able to come to dinner tomorrow night?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Because I’ve invited Mummy and Margaret over too.” I explained. “I want to tell them about our engagement.”

“Oh. Have you told anyone else?”

“Only The prime minister.” I explained. “I’ve asked him to take the temperature of Cabinet on the matter, and I want to tell people that should know before it breaks in the papers.”

“Is anyone else going to be there besides us and Margaret and your mother?”

“No.”

“Alright. Well, I’ll be there.” He told me. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 _If I break the glass, then I’ll have to fly_  
_There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive_  
_I’m scared of changing, the days stay the same_  
_The world is spinning but only in gray_

The next night, I nervously got ready for dinner. Porchey met me at the palace before Mummy and Margaret arrived. We chatted anxiously. Neither of us knew what to say. We knew the huge risk we were about to take. Having my family’s support would be helpful, at least knowing they supported us, even though it would have little to no sway in Cabinet’s decision.

We all sat down for dinner. I urged the servers to leave us alone after they brought the food. I took a deep breath before speaking.

“You’re probably aware that since Philip and I got divorced, a relationship has developed between Porchey and I.” I began. “He has become almost my sole companion, aside from the children on the rare occasions I get to spend time with them. And over the last two years, we have really,” I wasn’t sure how to say it.

“Fallen in love.” Porchey finished sweetly. I smiled and nodded.

“So we were thinking, and we’ve decided that we would like to,” I took a deep breath. “Get married.” Margaret smiled.

“Oh, Lilibet that’s wonderful.” She cooed.

Mummy looked rather less pleased.

“I’m afraid that’s impossible.”

“So was divorcing Philip and I managed that.” I argued.

“Well you shouldn’t have.” She spat. And you shouldn’t do this. You’re becoming just like your uncle. Ignoring rules and traditions for your own selfish wants. I won’t stand for it. I raised you better than that. I didn’t raise my daughters to be willful and selfish and if that’s how you’re going to be, I won’t be your mother. Why am I here if you’re never going to listen?”

We all sat in stunned silence.

“I’m sorry.” Mummy said quietly. She got up and left. We all sat in awkward silence and stared for a few minutes. I don’t think anyone was hungry anymore. I was trying not to cry. That had gone much worse than I expected, and I hadn’t exactly been expecting this to go well.

“Oh, Lilibet.” Margaret got up and hugged me. “I’m sorry about Mummy. I’m sure she’ll come around to the idea.”

“No she won’t.” I replied sadly.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think it’s a wonderful idea.” She told me. “I think you deserve to be with someone who loves you, after all you went through with Philip.”

“Thanks.” It meant a lot to me, even if her support wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. Porchey nodded.

After dinner, Margaret went back to Clarence House. Porchey stayed at the palace with me.

“Lilibet,” He told me, sitting down on my bed next to me. “If this is going to tear your family apart, I don’t want to do it. I love you too much to do that.”

“I am determined to marry you.” I responded. “I’ve never cared too much what Mummy thinks, why should I let it bother me now?”

“I don’t want your mother to disown you over this.”

“She can’t. To legally disown me would be like a public announcement that there is a rift in the family. And we can’t have that.”

“But privately,” he tried to argue further, but I cut him off.

“Don’t worry about her.” I insisted. “She’s not the one whose opinion is important here.”

He sighed and wrapped me in his arms. I gratefully leaned my head on his shoulder and cried.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.” I whispered back. I clung to him tightly, but something deep down told me I might not be able to get my way this time.

The next morning, I got a visit from Michael Adeane, which I saw coming. Of course Mummy ran to Tommy Lascelles, who has told his puppet Michael exactly what to say.

“Ma’am.” He began. “I understand that you have been lonely, and that you have found company and love with Lord Porchester. But to marry him, would be a grave mistake, and would cause enormous controversy. The Church strictly forbids the remarriage of divorced persons while the spouse of the former marriage is still alive. And Philip is still alive.”

“I am aware of all of that.” I replied. “But I love him and I want to marry him. He makes me feel as though I’m loved, and safe,” I stopped. “Nevermind. You don’t give a shit about my feelings.” He seemed taken aback by my language, but I didn’t care. “Besides, I know Tommy put you up to this. Everyone knows you’re a puppet who can’t think for yourself. But you know who can think for herself? Me. And I can handle this situation without Tommy’s worthless advice.”

I was fighting so hard. I was determined to cut down anything and everything that stood in the way of my marrying Porchey. It wasn’t wise. What if this didn’t work out? All I was doing was making enemies. I was setting myself up to be even lonelier than I was before. But I kept on anyway.

 _If I break the glass, then I’ll have to fly_  
_There’s no one to catch me if I take a dive_  
_I’m scared of changing, the days stay the same_  
_The world is spinning but only in gray_

The next morning, the story broke in the papers. Word had gotten out about Parliament’s debate of my remarriage. I wasn’t sure who had leaked the story, and I didn’t care. Mummy might have done it or had it done out of spite, but the joke could very well turn out to be on her. The media and the public helped me last time, and they seemed to support me again. The only downside to the news breaking was that Philip would likely hear the news from the media instead of from me. I had to talk to him as soon as possible.

I had arranged to see the children that morning and tell them. I wasn’t too worried about them reading the newspaper, and I was sure their nanny had enough respect and discretion not to say anything to them.

I sat them down in the nursery.

“You know how I have been courting Porchey for awhile now.” I told them. They nodded. “Well, there’s a possibility that we might be getting married.”

“Really?” Charles seemed happy. Anne looked less so.

“But I don’t want him to replace Daddy.” She cried. I hugged her.

“He won’t, baby.” I comforted her. “You’ll still see Daddy just like you do now.”

Charles smiled.

“I like Porchey better than Daddy.” He stated. “He’s nicer to me.”

I hugged him too. I worried about how Philip treated Charles when I wasn’t around. I thought that marrying Porchey would be good for the children. It might provide some stability for them. To have a father figure living with them. Some kind of parent to spend time with them when I couldn’t.

I played with the children for a little bit, but I knew I had to get on with my day. The next step was calling Philip. Setting up a special meeting would be pointless since he likely already knew.

“Hello?” He answered.

“Philip? It’s me. Elizabeth.”

“Oh? The bride to be?” He teased.

“I take it you’ve heard.”

“Everyone in the country has heard by now.”

“I’m sorry.” I apologized. “I wanted to tell you before the news broke. I wasn’t expecting it to come out so soon. I wanted you to hear it from me first.”

“It’s alright.” He told me. “I don’t know if you were even obligated to tell me, seeing as we’ve been divorced for two years now.”

“I figured I was since we have children together.” I replied.

“Well, I’m happy for you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’m glad your happy.” He told me. “I hope he treats you better than I did.” Was that regret in his voice?

“You can rest assured he does.”

“Good. You deserve to be with someone who loves you. And treats you like it.”

“Thanks.”

The phone call was bittersweet. I was glad he regretted the way he had treated me. I wondered for a second if he ever would’ve changed, but I decided it didn’t matter. I was better off without him.

I had another meeting with Anthony that afternoon. He had brought up the matter to Cabinet, and was going to report back to me how it went. He did not come with the answer I’d hoped for.

“I’m afraid the majority of Cabinet are opposed to the idea.” He told me.

“Seems as hypocritical now to me as it did when they opposed my divorce initially.” I remarked. “After all, there are still four divorced members of Cabinet. Yourself included.” He squirmed. “And you yourself have remarried. So why am I to be denied the same right?”

“The opposition is, as it was two years ago, on religious grounds.” He explained. “As head of the Church of England, it is your duty to uphold the Church’s teachings. And one of those is,”

“That divorced persons can’t remarry while the former spouse is still alive, I know.” I cut him off. I was tired of arguing. I knew I may not convince parliament this time. I had nothing to convince them with. But I couldn’t marry him without their permission, could I?

As I left the meeting, I felt a sense of hopelessness come over me.

 _Somebody shine a light_  
_I’m frozen by the fear in me_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

Anthony had agreed to try again with Cabinet, but I feared it was no use. Michael told me that four of the most senior bishops of the Church wanted to see me. I watched them arrive with Michael.

“The Archbishops of Canterbury. And York.” I observed. “The Bishop of Durham. And is that Winchester?”

“Bath and Wells.” Michael corrected.

“The big guns.”

“The four horsemen of the apocalypse.”

They sat down across from me.

“We come to appeal to you, as to why you should not marry Lord Porchester, despite any personal reasons you may have for doing so.” The Archbishop of Canterbury began. “You are the Head of the Church of England. It is your duty to uphold the rules and teachings of the Church.”

“I am aware.” I nodded. He told me the same thing when I got divorced.

“Are you?” He questioned. “Clearly you don’t understand your responsibilities. How can you call yourself the Head of the Church when you don’t follow it’s rules? How can you call yourself the Defender of the Faith when all you do is defy it?”

His question hit me like a ton of bricks. He was right. I’d viewed the Church two years ago, as a bunch of stuffy old men to be ignored, and I had continued viewing them that way. But now I realized, that in ignoring the Church, I had been ignoring my own duties. I tried to make some feeble argument, but it was no good and I knew it. How could I argue when deep down I knew they were right?

Later that day, I sat on the couch watching TV, stewing in my own thoughts. It didn’t help that they were talking about me.

“I remarried after I got divorced.” A woman remarked. “I would like to think that she could do the same.”

“I would like that too.” I whispered to myself. I wanted to cry. I desperately wanted to marry Porchey, but how could I continue to defy the Church of which I am the head? Suddenly, the phone rang, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Lilibet,” It was Porchey. “How are you doing?”

That was it. I broke down crying. I couldn’t even respond.

“Darling, what’s wrong?” He asked. “Do you want me to come over?”

I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see me.

“Yes.” I managed to say through my tears.

“I’ll be over as soon as possible.”

He knocked on the door to my apartment when he arrived.

“Come in.” I sobbed.

He saw me on the couch and walked towards me. He sat down next to me and wrapped me in his arms.

“Shh.” He comforted me. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t think I can marry you.” I told him once I calmed down enough to speak.

“Why not?”

“Because no one supports it.”

“I beg to differ. The people support us.” He argued.

“Do they really?”

“Yes, I think they’re making themselves clear.”

“Well the Archbishops just made themselves clear.” I retorted.

“Do you really need to listen to them?” He asked.

“As the Head of the Church I thought I might.”

“Well can you stop being the Head of the Church, and Government, and the Army, and the Navy, and the Fount of Justice, and the whole damn circus frankly?” He requested.

“And be what?” I was shocked. Didn’t he understand? That whole damn circus was who I was.

“A living, breathing thing. A woman. My girlfriend.” He responded. “Lilibet, I love you more than words can describe. And I want to marry you.”

“I love you too.” I was crying again. “And I want to marry you. But this is a lot more complicated than that. This is bigger than us. But, lucky for you, I am still willing to try to marry you.”

The next day Anthony Eden came back. He had more bad news. Worse news actually.

“Cabinet understood your reasons for divorcing Philip. But there is no convincing evidence to suggest you must marry Lord Porchester. Being in love isn’t enough for them.” He told me. “I’m afraid you may have to make the same decision your uncle made. Give him up, or marry him and abdicate.”

“I,” I was speechless. Deep down I had known they wouldn’t support me, but I had still held out hope that they could be convinced. “I cannot abdicate. And yet, I cannot give him up. He really loves me, and I can’t just throw that away.”

“Then abdicate the throne.”

“But I can’t just throw away my duties either.”

“Ma’am, I’m afraid you’re going to have to give up something.” I wanted to cry, but I had to stay strong, at least in front of the prime minister. I had a huge decision to make, and I had no idea what to do.

Later that night, I called my uncle. He had been in this situation before and he had made the decision I desperately wished I could make.

“I’d been hoping to hear from you, I’ve found myself hovering by the phone for days.” He said when he answered. “France supports you and Porchey, at least Paris does, which is the only France that matters.”

“What about you?” I asked.

“I too have had a romance which captured the public imagination, only to have it opposed by the establishment, so naturally my sympathies are with you.” He explained. “However, there is also the other great love of my life. The crown. And protecting that crown. And I imagine you find yourself in a difficult position right now. Split down the middle. One half is lover, one half is queen.”

”Exactly.” I remarked.

”Like a strange, hybrid creature. You are Sphinx or gamyun, as I am genecia or minataur. We are half creatures, ripped from the pages of some bizarre mythology. The two sides within us, human and crown, engaged in a fearful civil war which never ends. And which blights our every human transaction. I understand the agony you are feeling, and I am here to tell you it will never leave you. I will always be half king. The tragedy is I have no kingdom. You have it. And you must protect it.”

I hung up the phone, feeling numb. I had my decision.

 _So cut me from the line_  
_Dizzy, spinning endlessly_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

I called Porchey the next day and told him to come see me. I dreaded his arrival, but of course he came, exactly when I told him to. My heart was already broken.

“I have made a decision about marrying you.” I told him. “I love you very much, and I would love to marry you. And I was prepared to go through with it no matter what. But,” I couldn’t find the words.

  
“But what?”

“But I realized, that I can’t defy the church of which I am the head again. I did it the first time out of necessity. I needed to get out of my marriage to Philip for my own safety and well-being. But I don’t need to marry you.” He winced at those words.

“Lilibet,” he started to argue but I stopped him.

“It doesn’t come naturally for me to speak like this, so please, let me finish.” I told him. The words of the Archbishop of Canterbury came back to me. “How can I call myself the Defender of the Faith when all I do is defy it? I can’t.”

“So that’s it?”

“That isn’t all.” I went on. “Even if I could just ignore the church again, I need Cabinet support. And they won’t give it. Ultimately, I was left with a choice. Give you up, or marry you and abdicate. And I could never do that. To marry you, I would have to defy my duty on so many levels. Not just defying the church, but abdicating. And I have realized, that duty must be the most important thing to me. So therefore, I cannot marry you.”

“I,” Porchey didn’t know what to say. “I, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. If I said I didn’t feel a little betrayed.” I winced at his words. “I’m absolutely heartbroken.”

“So am I.” I sat down next to him.

“But I understand.”

“You do?” I was surprised. I had expected him to hate me.

“Yes.” He reassured me. “You are the queen. And you can’t put me above your duty.”

“Thank you.” I told him. “For understanding.” I looked into his eyes. We were both crying.

“Lilibet, I love you.” He told me.

“I love you too.” We hugged and cried, and for awhile we just sat there like that.

“Lilibet, can we still be together?” He asked.

“Maybe. But it would be best to lay low for awhile. And if we can continue our relationship, it would likely have to be in secret.” I explained.

“I’d rather be in a secret relationship with you than none at all.” He kissed me.

“I’m sorry.” I said. “This isn’t fair to you.”

“It isn’t exactly fair to either of us, but it’s the way it has to be.”

“But I can’t ask you to stay in a secret relationship with me forever.”

“Why not?” He asked.

“Someday, don’t you want to get married and have children?”

“If I can’t do that with you, then I don’t want to do it with anyone.” He replied. “I mean that.”

I started crying harder. I hated myself for my decision, even though I knew it was the one I had to make. He was so devoted to me, and I couldn’t show him that same devotion.

We worked together on writing a statement to release to the public. He graciously offered to read it. I considered refusing, but I decided it would be better if he did.

“I regret to announce that Her Majesty and I have decided not to marry. Mindful of the Church’s teaching that Christian marriage is indissoluble, we have agreed that, as a divorced woman, she cannot remarry while her former husband is still alive. We ask that you please respect our decision and our privacy in the coming days, as they will be difficult for both of us.”

 _Shatter me_  
_Somebody make me feel alive_  
_And shatter me_

The next day I had to have my official portrait taken by Cecil Beaton. I was still heartbroken, but I had to cover it up. Hide my feelings. I was the queen. Inside, my mind whirled with emotions. Sadness, uncertainty. But those must all be buried. On the outside, I was strong and regal. I felt so alone, but I had to put those feelings to the side. Duty called.I steeled myself as I walked in the room for the picture.

“All hail sage lady.” Cecil said before he took my picture. “Whom a grateful isle hath blessed. Not moving, not breathing. Our very own goddess. Glorious Gloriana. Forgetting Elizabeth Windsor now, now only Elizabeth Regina.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am probably done taking suggestions of any kind, sorry. I will be doing two more chapters. I have finally picked a song for the last one. 
> 
> (One more week until season 2!!!!)


	16. You Really Got a Hold On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off You Really Got a Hold On Me by The Beatles.

_I don’t like you_   
_But I love you_   
_Seems that I’m always_   
_Thinking of you_

Philip stared me down, a look of pure hatred in his eyes. I didn’t understand. How could someone I loved so much could act so awful? I thought he loved me. But instead, he screamed at me and treated me like shit. All we did was fight.

“I hate you.” He almost growled. “And I mean that, I fucking hate you. I would be happier if you were dead. Everyone would.” He walked out. I sank to the floor and cried. Why was he like this? I didn’t even remember what we had been fighting about. Did it matter? We fought over everything.

And yet I still loved him. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like him. I didn’t want to love him, but I did. Because he wasn’t always awful. Just last night, he was in my room and we made love. Afterwards he held me sweetly and we laid and talked. Just this morning he told me he loved me before I went to work. But between morning and evening, he’s snapped. It was disturbing how quickly the tides could change.

_Oh, oh, oh_   
_You treat me badly_   
_I love you madly_

The next day, I was lonely. I wished Philip would spend some time with me, but he avoided me all day. I was so desperate for his company that when he stumbled drunk into my room that night, I acknowledged him.

“Lilibet,” he whispered. And against my better judgement, I opened my eyes. “You’re awake.” He was surprised. He stumbled toward my bed.

“I am.” I smiled. I looked at the clock. It was almost midnight. “I thought we might spend some time together tonight.”

Suddenly the phone rang.

“Lilibet,” It was Porchey.

“Hello,” I made sure not to say his name. I figured it might be better if Philip didn’t know who I was talking to. “What’s going on?”

“I have great news.” He told me. “The stables called. A foal was just born about ten minutes ago.”

“That’s wonderful.” I replied. “We’ll have to go see it in the morning. I have to go.”

“Alright. Goodnight, Lilibet.”

“Goodnight.” I hung up the phone.

“Who was that?” Philip demanded.  
  
“Oh, no one.” I tried to avoid a confrontation.

“You were on the phone with no one?”

“No one important.”

“Sounded pretty important to me.” He remarked. “Important enough to call you at midnight. It was Porchey, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” I admitted. “He just called to tell me a foal was born tonight.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m not lying to you.” I insisted. “A foal was born and we’re going to go out and see it in the morning. That’s it.”

“Going to see it together, I presume.”

“Yes.”

“Just the two of you. No one else to see what you’re doing. To catch you doing something you shouldn’t be.”

“You can come along if you’d like.” I offered.

“Oh, no. Wouldn’t want to get in your way.”

“Philip, I swear to God I’m not cheating on you.”

“You lying whore!” He slapped me. I sat stunned. “I know the truth!”

“I’m telling you the truth!” I yelled. “I don’t know why you’re so convinced I’m cheating on you. I would never do that.”

“Why are you lying to me?” He pushed me to the floor and punched me. “Why don’t you just admit it?” He punched me again. I started crying.

“There’s nothing to admit!” I screamed as I tried to get him off. “I didn’t do anything!”

“Bullshit.” He kept hitting me. I tried to fight back, but I couldn’t. “I’m sick of listening to your goddamn lies!”

“I’m not lying!” He wouldn’t respond. Just kept hitting me as I weakly tried to fight him off. Suddenly he stopped. An eerie calm seemed to come over him. He just got up and walked away. “Philip,” I cried weakly as he left. He gave no sign he even heard me. “I love you.” That stopped him in his tracks. He looked over his shoulder at me, sighed, then kept walking.

I almost couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. I was in shock. He had never attacked me like that before. In fact, he had never laid a finger on me before. All I could do was lay on the floor and cry. And I was so tired I couldn’t even do that for much longer. Eventually, I cried myself to sleep.

_You’ve really got a hold on me_   
_(You really got a hold on me)_   
_You really got a hold on me_   
_(You really got a hold on me)_   
_Baby_

I woke up on the floor, confused. Why wasn’t I in bed? And why did my whole body ache? Then I remembered. Just the memory of last night made me want to cry. Made the pain worse. I didn’t understand how Philip could do that to me. I thought he loved me. I sure as hell loved him.

I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to move. But I had to. I couldn’t have Bobo coming in and finding me on the floor like this. What would she think? How would I explain that? No one could know what happened last night.

I looked in the mirror. There were bruises all over my body, plus I had a black eye. I put on a long sleeve dress and covered my black eye with makeup quickly, before anyone could see me.

I went on with my usual schedule, but sadness, guilt, and shame followed me all day. I wasn’t really sure why he attacked me, but I had to have done something to deserve it, right? If I hadn’t done anything wrong, he wouldn’t have attacked me, right? Maybe it would help if I went and apologized.

Later that day, I walked nervously into Philip’s room. He looked up at me and winced. He looked distressed.

“Philip,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry.” Confusion flashed across his face.

“For what?”

“For last night.” I explained. “I don’t know what I did to make you so angry, but I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” He whispered in disbelief. “I beat the shit out of you and you’re sorry?”

“Yes.”

“Darling, you have nothing to be sorry for.” He hugged me gently. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who should be apologizing.”

“If I didn’t do anything wrong, why did you hurt me?” I asked. “I had to have done something to deserve that.”

“You didn’t.” He insisted. “I was a drunk, jealous asshole. I was beyond an asshole actually. You did nothing to deserve that and you never could.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because I’m a jealous piece of shit.” He replied. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Philip,” I started, but he cut me off.

“I know you aren’t cheating on me. But maybe you should.” He said. “Porchey deserves you more than I do. I don’t know him well, but I know enough about him to know that he would never lay a finger on you.”

“Pity I don’t love him.” I replied. “I love you. And I forgive you.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“But I do.” I told him. “Because no matter what you do, I will always be madly in love with you.”

_I don’t want you_   
_But I need you_   
_Don’t want to kiss you_   
_But I need to_

“I love you too.” He told me. He leaned down to kiss me. “Even if I haven’t acted like it lately.”

The kiss gradually turned more passionate, even though I didn’t walk into his room with intentions of having sex. Before I knew it, he was undressing me, and I did the same to him. He pulled away from me when we were totally naked. He gasped when he saw the bruises all over my body.

“Oh God,” He whispered. “I did this to you?” I nodded, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “My poor, sweet Lilibet.” He ran a finger over my black eye. He replaced his finger with his lips as he guided me back until I was sitting on his bed. He moved his mouth down my body, kissing my bruises as he went. I winced every time his lips touched my skin. I felt so vulnerable and uncomfortable. I wanted to cry. As he made his way back up my body, his lips grazed my vagina. I gasped, more from shock than pleasure. I didn’t want this. As he reached my face again, he started rubbing me gently. I whimpered as he lowered me on my back and climbed on top of me. I let out a small sob as one finger entered me. When he tried to replace that finger with his penis, I knew I had to stop this.

“No.” I cried, pushing him off. To my surprise and relief, he backed off. “I don’t want to do this.” I started sobbing. He put his arm around me, seeming concerned.

“What’s wrong, Lilibet?” He asked softly.

“I can’t do this.” I told him. “I can’t trust you anymore.”

“Lilibet, I’m so sorry about last night.” He kissed me and wiped my tears. “I swear to God I will never hurt you like that again. I love you.”

“I love you too.” This time, I kissed him. It grew more passionate again, and when he reached down to rub me, I smiled instead of crying. When he climbed on top of me, I didn’t push him away.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked, before he entered me.

“Yes.” I replied. This time, I let him do it. But the truth was, I didn’t let him because I wanted to. I let him because I needed to. I needed him. Not just inside me, but with me. I needed him to love me and care about me, and lately, he only seemed to do that when we had sex. I needed him to love me like I loved him. And if this was the only time he would do that, by God I would let him.

_Oh, oh, oh_   
_You do me wrong now_   
_My love is strong now_

The next morning, I woke up in Philip’s bed. He was already awake.

“Good morning, cabbage.” He kissed me.

“Good morning.” I replied. “What time is it?”

“Almost nine.”

“Oh my God.” I sat up, panicking. “Why did you let me sleep in so late? I have an audience with the prime minister today.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”

“Well, I better hurry up and get ready.” I got out of bed. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.” Philip seemed disappointed.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I didn’t want to rush out on him like that, but unless I wanted to be late for my audience, I had to.

The rest of the day passed quickly until I came home to Philip. Actually, I came home to no one, but I had been expecting to come home to Philip. But there was no one else in our apartment. I sat down on the couch in disappointment. I wondered where he was and what he was doing. I had a suspicion it was nothing good. I turned on the TV and suddenly realized I had forgotten to go see the new foal with Porchey this morning. I had to call him.

“Hello?” He answered

“Porchey, I am so sorry.” I told him. “I completely forgot about going out to see the foal this morning.”

“It’s alright Lilibet.” He responded. “I know you’re busy. Perhaps you’d like to go see him now?”

“It’s a boy?” I smiled.

“Yes. I still went this morning. He’s very cute. Would you like me to take you now?” I was about to accept his offer, but then decided against it. What if Philip came home and wanted to spend time? I had to stay here.

“No. I’ll go see him tomorrow.” I decided.

“Alright.”

“See you then?”

“Yeah.”

“Goodnight Porchey.”

“Goodnight Lilibet.”

I hung up the phone and waited for Philip. I hardly paid attention to the TV. Philip arrived shortly before midnight again, but unlike last night, he was somewhat sober. Not completely sober, but not hammered like he had been last night.

“Lilibet,” he seemed surprised to see me waiting for him. “What are you doing up?”

“I waited for you to come home.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to.” I told him. “I wanted to spend some time with you.”

“I’d like that.” He replied.

I got off the couch and walked towards him. He pulled me into a hug. I buried my head into his chest, but pulled away when I smelled perfume. Perfume that definitely wasn’t mine.

“Who were you with tonight?” I demanded.

“Just Mike.” I could tell he was lying.

“Really? Is that Mike’s perfume I smell on you, then?”

“I can explain,”

“You don’t have to.” I cut him off. “You were with another woman, weren’t you? You’re cheating on me.” He sighed. He seemed to know he’d been caught. There was no denying it anymore.

“Yes.” He confessed.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is it because you don’t love me anymore?” I asked sadly.

“No, darling, of course I love you.”

“Then why?”

“I guess I’ve been lonely.” He said.

“You could spend time with me.”

“But you’re not the same. I love you, but you’re hard to be around sometimes.” He might as well have slapped me in the face.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nevermind.” He sighed, walking away. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Philip,” I called after him. He didn’t turn around. “I love you.” I whispered.

I wasn’t sure why or how I loved him. He beat me, he cheated on me, and he treated me like shit. But I was still just as in love with him as I was when I married him. He had an inescapable gravitational pull on me, and it could very well turn out to be the death of me.

_You’ve really got a hold on me_   
_(You really got a hold on me)_   
_You really got a hold on me_   
_(You really got a hold on me)_   
_Baby_

After a moment of standing there, I followed Philip to his room. He looked up when I entered.

“What do you want?” He was upset.

“Why do I still love you?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” He replied. “All I do is hurt you.”

“Maybe I like the pain.” I suggested, sitting on his bed next to him.

“So you’re a masochist and should seek mental help.”

“There’s no therapist on Earth who could talk some reason into me. There’s no one who could make me stop loving you.”

“Elizabeth, I love you.” He sighed. “And I’m tired of hurting you.”

“Then stop.”  
  
“I would love to, but I’m not sure that’s possible.” He told me. “I think I’ve gone too far to turn back. You should leave.”

“I could never.”

“Why?” I sighed.

“Because you really have a hold on me.”

_I love you and all I want you to do_   
_Is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me_   
_Tighter_   
_Tighter_

He didn’t respond to that, and after a minute of silence, I got up and went to to my own room. I wanted him to stop me. To turn me around and pull me into his arms. To just hold me there and never let go.

But he didn’t. He didn’t even react when I left. For all I know he hardly noticed. Was he that wrapped up in himself? Did he just not notice me anymore? Did he just not care? It was a painful thought, but one that I couldn’t push out of my head. Especially painful because, despite his feelings and actions toward me, I still loved him. And it made me want to cry to think that, despite his insistence otherwise, maybe he didn’t love me.

_I want to leave you_   
_Don’t want to stay here_   
_Don’t want to spend_   
_Another day here_

I sat down on my bed and thought about what Philip had said. He was right. I should leave. I would be better off if I did. It would be far better for me to not have to deal with him hurting me constantly.

For a brief moment, I allowed myself to envision a life without him. And I realized that even though I would be healthier, both mentally and physically, I wouldn’t necessarily happier. No matter how much I might have wanted to leave him, I knew that if I did, I would always miss him. I honestly wasn’t sure I could even live without him.

And even if I could, how would I leave him? It’s not like we could get divorced. We could separate, privately at least, but that might be too much emotional pain to bear. To see him moving on and living perfectly happily without me. It would hurt too much. I would never be able to handle it.

So I would just have to stay with him. Even if it wasn’t the smart decision, I knew I loved him too much to do anything else.

_Oh, oh, oh_   
_I want to split now_   
_I just can’t quit now_

The next day, I tried to talk to him again. By then, he was bitter and angry, but I wasn’t sure why. I sat down next to him at breakfast. He didn’t even look up at me. He just skulked into the newspaper the was reading.

“Good morning.” I told him.

“Bugger off.” He snapped.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You.” He said. “You’re what’s wrong.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I was hurt.

“It means we would both be better off if you were gone. If you left.”

“But I love you.” I argued. He stood up.

“But this isn’t right.”

“I know. But I don’t care!” I stood up to meet him. “I love you!” He took a step forward and slapped me.

“Snap out of it!” He yelled. “You need to leave me!” I was speechless. “I’m tired of hurting you, and I’m tired of getting hurt. We can’t go on like this.” He stormed away. I started sobbing. At the door, he stopped and turned around. “I’m sorry.” Then he left.

He was right, but I already knew I couldn’t leave him. All I could do was sink to the floor and cry.

_You’ve really got a hold on me_   
_(You really got a hold on me)_   
_You really got a hold on me_   
_(You really got a hold on me)_   
_Baby_

I was so upset I almost couldn’t function. But I had to put my emotions aside and do my work. I had to be the queen. I also had to go to the stables with Porchey. I tried to keep myself composed. He seemed to know something was wrong, but he knew better than to ask me about it. I wouldn’t have told him. That day sucked, but I tried to hide it. I was careful not to let anyone know something was wrong.

But the minute I got back to my room, I went right back to crying over Philip. I really shouldn’t have shed so many tears. He wasn’t worth that. Except that he totally was. I loved him more than words can describe. More than was reasonable. More than he deserved.

He was right. I should leave. But I could never do that so there was no point in trying. Instead, I had to convince him to stay.

_I love you and all I want you to do_   
_Is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me_

I wasn’t expecting him to come home that night. I didn’t think I’d see him again until at least the next morning. But suddenly, at around eleven, I saw him standing in my doorway.

“Philip?”

“Lilibet, I don’t even know where to begin.” He said. “I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

“Lilibet, I don’t want you to leave. I love you.” He sat down beside me.

“Well that’s good.” I told him. “Because I’m not going anywhere.”

“But I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

“Then just stop.”

“I can’t. I can’t help it. I have to.”

“No. You don’t have to.” I replied. “No one made you cheat. No one made you hit me. You did that all on your own. Those were choices you made all by yourself.”

“Why would I choose to do that?”

“Only you can answer that.” I paused. “And if you’re trying to blame me just don’t. You said yourself none of this is my fault. I know I haven’t helped you, but I haven’t intentionally hurt you either. And I certainly never did anything that would warrant you hurting me.”

“Of course you didn’t.” He sighed. “I’m just an asshole. Do you think it’s too late for me to change?”

“It’s never too late.” He pulled me into him and I crawled into his lap and wrapped my arms around him. He laid down and for awhile, we just held each other like that. Completely at peace. It was an amazing feeling.

_You really got a hold on me_   
_(You really got a hold on me)_   
_You really got a hold on me_   
_(You really got a hold on me)_

That night, I slept better than I had in months. Our problems were far from solved, but maybe we were finally on the road to solving them. I was hopeful. I loved him and he loved me, and I knew that in the end, our love for each other would win over anything else. It had to. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left! This one will be much happier, I promise. Hopefully I’ll have it posted by Friday, but just know that you may have already seen part or all of season 2 before I post the last chapter for season 1. 
> 
> I’m beyond hyped for season 2!!!! :)


	17. Be Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off Be Alright by Ariana Grande

_Midnight shadows_   
_When finding love is a battle_   
_But daylight is so close_   
_So don’t you worry ‘bout a thing_

It had been a long night. Philip had come into my room, surprisingly sober. But despite his sobriety, we were still not getting along. I almost would rather he’d been drunk. At least he didn’t fight me then. He arrived just after midnight and woke me up. I was irritable.

“Lilibet,” He said as he shook me awake.

“What do you want?” I asked, rather rudely.

“I just wanted to talk to you.” He replied defensively.

“About what?”

“I don’t know. Anything. I just wanted to spend time with you.”

“Why?” I demanded. “Don’t you have other people you’d rather be spending your night with? Speaking of which, where were you tonight?”

“I was out with Mike.”

“Oh. So that’s why you missed the dinner I had planned for us.”

“Oh, God. I’m sorry.” He told me. I didn’t quite believe him. “I forgot.”

“I’m sure it’s easy to forget about your wife when you’re out sniffing around other women.” I remarked.

“That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No.” He insisted. “Lilibet, I would never cheat on you. Besides, I know what you do when I’m out.”

“What?” I demanded. “What do I do?”

“You use it as an opportunity to spend some alone time with Porchey.” He spat his name. “Maybe that’s why you’re sending me to Australia. To get me out of the way.”

“How dare you.” I was offended and annoyed at his suggestion. “Porchey and I are friends and nothing more.”

“That wasn’t always the case.”

“What are you talking about?” I was confused.

“I know.” His voice was almost a whisper. “You and Porchey had a fling while I was away during the war. It apparently began when you had sex with him on your 18th birthday, shortly after I was deployed. And it continued until shortly after I returned. To think this is what you did after we pledged our devotion to each other. After I took your virginity while I was staying with you at Christmas in ‘43. And here all this time I thought that meant something to you.” I could hear the betrayal in his voice.

“It meant everything to me.” I defended myself.

“Did it?”

“Yes. Who told you anyway?”

“Margaret.” He informed me. “It should’ve been you. You should have confessed a long time ago.”

“I never told you because I didn’t think it mattered.” I explained. “I mean, don’t act like you didn’t so much as look at another woman while you were away. We were apart for almost two years.”

“Alright, so maybe I was with other women while I was gone, but that’s not the point.” He argued.

“Then what is the point?”

“I haven’t seen any of those women since then. You see Porchey on an almost daily basis. And everyone knows he still has feelings for you.”

“We are friends. We work together. And that’s it.” I replied. “I would never cheat on you. I love you and I am completely devoted to you. The real question is, are you devoted to me?”

“I am. Although I don’t spend as much time with you as I should.” He remarked. “Who do you spend your nights with then? If you aren’t with Porchey?”

“I spend them alone.” I told him sadly. “But I’d much rather spend them with you.”

“So would I.” He smiled. “How about we start tonight?”

He kissed me and it quickly grew more passionate. And for the first time in weeks, we made love.

When we finished, he rolled off me, and for a minute we just laid in silence. Finally, he spoke.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately.” He began. “But you haven’t been yourself lately.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ever since you became queen, you act differently. Not like the woman I fell in love with.”

“But you still love me, don’t you?”

“Of course. That’s not what I meant.”

“I know I haven’t been the same. But I can’t be.” I told him.

“I know.” He whispered. “I’m sorry. Goodnight, love.”

“Goodnight.”

But we didn’t go to sleep. After a minute we started talking again, and we kept talking all night. And as I saw the sun begin to rise, I felt a new and beautiful feeling come over me. Hope.

_We’re gonna be alright_   
_We’re gonna be alright_   
_We’re gonna be alright_

“Have we talked the night away?” Philip asked as the morning sun rose.

“It seems we have.” I smiled. “And here I had intended to sleep.”

“So had I.”

“It’s alright.” I remarked. “This is the most time we’ve spent together in weeks.”

“I’m sorry.” He said, seemingly out of nowhere.

“About what?”

“Last night. I need to stop being such an asshole to you.” He kissed me on the head. “I really do love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I need you.” He admitted. “Maybe that’s why I get so jealous. I’m afraid of losing you. What of you that I haven’t already lost, anyway.”

“Then why don’t you hang on to me, instead of pushing me away?” I suggested. “You might even be able to get back some of me that you’ve lost.”

“I should hang on. I don’t know why I haven’t been. But I will now. I promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

“Do you think we could ever fix our marriage?” He asked.

“Yes. But only if we’re willing to try.” I replied. “Are you?”

“Of course.” He told me. “Are you.”

“I am.”

_Baby, don’t you know_   
_All of them tears gon’ come and go_   
_Baby, you just gotta make up your mind_   
_That every little thing is gonna be alright_

Eventually I had to get up and go to work. I had a busy day ahead of me. A busy day of queening, as Philip called it. At about noon, I got a call from Margaret.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hello.” She sounded bitter. As usual. “How are you doing?”

“I’m alright.” A question popped into my head. “Why did you tell Philip?” I figured I might as well ask while I was on the phone with her.

“What are you talking about?”

“You told Philip. About me and Porchey. About our fling during the war. Why?”

“Oh. It just came up in conversation. I didn’t realize you had never told him.” I didn’t believe that for a second but I didn’t feel like arguing.

“Oh.” I responded curtly. “Anyway, how are you?”

“I’m alright, I guess.” She replied, sadly. “As alright as I can be.”

“That’s good.” I wasn’t going to let her make me feel guiltier about the whole Peter thing than I already did.

“Oh, by the way, I have something to tell you.” Margaret said. “A piece of information I thought you might want to know.”

“Oh? Concerning what?”

“Philip.”

“What about him?”

“He’s cheating on you.” She told me.

“What?” I was shocked, despite the fact that I’d been suspecting for awhile.

“He confessed to me last night. All those nights when he’s out late, he’s cheating on you.” She sounded almost vindictive, which made me question if this was true. Despite this, I started crying.

“I’ll have to have a conversation with him about this.” I hung up.

I did nothing all afternoon except for read the papers in my red box and cry. Shortly after three, there was a knock on my office door. I composed myself.

“Come in!” I said. The door opened. It was Philip. He was carrying a bouquet of roses.

“I thought I might surprise you with these, darling.” He said as he walked toward me. He laid the flowers on my desk and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you.” I said quietly. “They’re lovely.”

“Lilibet, have you been crying?” He asked, looking concerned.

“No.” He raised an eyebrow. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“Margaret told me,” I started crying again. “That you’re cheating on me.”

“No. That’s not true.” He wiped my tears and hugged me. “I would never cheat on you. I love you.”

“Why would she lie about that?” I asked.

“The same reason she told me about you and Porchey.” Philip explained. “She’s mad at you, so she’s trying to ruin your love life because she thinks you ruined hers.”

“So she wants to ruin our marriage for revenge. Not too horribly surprising.” He kissed me on the cheek. “Sadly, I don’t think we need her help to create a rift between us. We did that all on our own.”

“And now we have to fix it all on our own.” He told me. He kissed me on the lips this time.

“Do you really think we can?” I asked.

“I think we have to.” He wiped another tear from my cheek. “So stop crying and let’s do it.” He kissed me again. It grew more passionate. I giggled as he reached a hand under my dress. Suddenly, there was a knock. We broke apart startled to find that it was already open. Patrick, my equerry, stood on the other side.

“I’ve just been informed that Michael Adeane will be here in a few minutes.” He was smiling. “So you might want to clean yourself up and save this for later.”

“I better be on my way then.” Philip left smirking. I was embarrassed. Patrick walked towards me and handed me a handkerchief.

“You might want this.” He said. I looked in the mirror and was further embarrassed to see my lipstick smeared.

As I wiped it off, I started laughing. It was embarrassing yes, but maybe it was a good sign. After all, this never would have happened even a week esrlier. I sat back down, and as I waited for my private secretary, I smiled happily.

_Baby, don’t you know_   
_All of them tears gon’ come and go_   
_Baby, you just gotta make up your mind_   
_We decide it_

That evening, I met Philip for dinner. I thought we were just going to eat at the Palace, but apparently, he had other ideas.

“You’re back.” He said as I entered our apartment.

“I am.” I noticed he was in a suit and tie. “What are you so dressed up for?”

“We’re going out for dinner.” He told me.

“But I’m not ready.” I hadn’t planned on going out.

“Well get ready.” He replied. “Something nice but not too fancy.”

“Alright.” I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of going out to eat. But I was still excited. He hadn’t surprised me like that in a long time. “Go wait in the sitting room.”

“Okay. Don’t take too long.”

I put on a pretty, knee-length gold dress and redid my makeup.

“Close your eyes.” I said before I entered.

“Okay.”

“Are they closed?”

“Yes.” I giggled and stepped out into the sitting room. “Open.” He gasped.

“Lilibet, you look absolutely stunning.” He told me.

“Thank you.” I blushed. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me.

“We better get going.”

I nodded and took his hand as he led me out. At the door, he paused and kissed me again.

“I love you.” He told me.

“I love you too.”

_We’re gonna be alright_   
_We’re gonna be alright_   
_We’re gonna be alright_

We arrived at a fancy restaurant in downtown London. The waitress showed us to a table, and if she recognized us, she was kind enough not to say anything.

“We have a lot to figure out.” I remarked when the waitress left us alone.

“Yeah. Like what to order.” Philip joked. I was annoyed, but I found myself giggling against my will.

“But seriously. With our marriage. We can’t just pretend like none of the bad stuff ever happened. Pretending it didn’t instead of addressing it just puts us right back on the road to doing it again.”

“I know.” He responded. “I’m really sorry about how I’ve been acting.”

“I’m sorry too.” I said. “I haven’t been acting the best either.”

“It’s that damn crown.” He muttered.

“I know. We just have to figure out how to unite in spite of it, instead of letting it drive us apart.”

“And we will.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yes. We’re going to be alright, Lilibet.” He smiled. “But seriously, what am I going to order?”

_In slow motion_   
_Can’t seem to get where we’re going_   
_But the hard times are golden_   
_‘Cause they all lead to better days_

Dinner was lovely. When we returned, we went to his room. We sat down on his bed and he took my hand. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

“I love you.” Philip whispered. He was being so sweet I thought I might melt.

“I love you too.” I looked over and saw a picture on his dresser. It was of us. Our engagement picture. “You still have that displayed?”

“What?” I got up to show him.

“Our engagement picture.”

“I didn’t for a long time.” He explained. “I put it back up a few days ago.” I lifted the picture up to look at it closer, but then I saw something behind it. A box, for what looked like a necklace. I became instantly suspicious.

“What’s this?” I asked, putting down the picture and picking up the box. A look of panic crossed his face. I opened it and saw a beautiful diamond necklace inside. “Whose is this?”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t wear diamond necklaces. Whose is this?” I demanded. “It’s another woman’s isn’t it?”

“No,” I cut him off.

“Or is it a gift? For your illicit lover.”

“Elizabeth, it’s not what you think.”

“It’s exactly what I think.” I slammed the box down, trying not to cry. “Exactly what I feared. You are cheating on me.”

“No, I swear to God I'm not.”

“Then what the hell is that necklace doing in your room?” He sighed.

“It is a gift.” He admitted. A single tear fell from my eye. Philip wiped it away as it rolled down my cheek.

“For who?”

“You.” I gasped.

“What?”

“I had intended to give it to you for Christmas.” He picked the box up. “But since you already found it, I might as well give it to you now.” He took the necklace out and put it on me. I felt horrible.

“I’m so sorry.” I had accused him of cheating on me, when he had actually done something nice for me.

“It’s alright.” He comforted me. “I don’t blame you for assuming that, especially after what your sister just told you. I guess I better figure out a better place to hide presents.” I pulled away and looked in the mirror.

“It really is beautiful.” I told him. “Thank you.”

“I thought it was beautiful when I saw it in the store.” He remarked. “But it looks even prettier on you.” I blushed and started to cry again. All of the emotion of that day spilled out. He pulled me into his arms and I gratefully squeezed him tightly.

“I love you.” I sobbed into his chest. He planted a kiss in my hair.

“I love you too, darling.”

_We're gonna be alright_   
_We’re gonna be alright_   
_We’re gonna be alright_

Gradually I calmed down. Philip put a finger under my chin and lifted my face up to meet his. He wiped the last tears from my face and kissed me. The kiss grew more passionate and he moved us to his bed. He reached a hand under my dress and rubbed me. I gasped. I massaged his crotch to return the favor. We carried on like this until we couldn’t take it anymore. We undressed each other and made love. It was incredible.

When we finished, he rolled off me.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.” I replied. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Lilibet.”

That night we actually fell asleep. It was the best I’d slept in months.

_Baby don’t you know_   
_All of them tears gon’ come and go_   
_Baby, you just gotta make up your mind_   
_That every little thing is gonna be alright_

The next morning, I woke up in his arms. He was still sleeping. For a minute, I just laid there, and a sense of peace came over me.

I thought back to the last few years. We’d been through so much. We had seemingly fallen apart. Were we finally putting ourselves back together? I hoped so.

Philip’s sudden movement snapped me out of my thoughts.

“Good morning darling.” He said.

“Good morning Philip.” I replied.

“You been awake long?”

“Just a few minutes.” I told him. “It feels so peaceful this morning.”

“Yes. I feel it too.”

“Lovely, isn’t it?”

“Very. It makes me feel like we really will make it.” He remarked.

“Of course we will. We love each other too much not to.”

_Baby, don’t you know_   
_All of them tears gon’ come and go_   
_Baby you just gotta make up your mind_   
_We decide it_

I had to get up and go to work, but the whole time I wished I was back with Philip. He actually came and ate lunch with me. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that.

That evening, we ate dinner at the Palace, then spent some time with Charles and Anne before they went to bed. Then we went back to my room.

“The past few days have been lovely.” I remarked as I sat down on my bed.

“They have.” He agreed. “I realized that I’m a lot happier when I spend my evenings with you instead of going out with Mike.”

“Well that's good, because I’m a lot happier spending them with you instead of being alone.”

“I need you.” He told me. “I don’t know why it took me so long to realize it.”

“I don’t either, but I’m glad you did.” He kissed me and wrapped his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder. He held me tight, and I knew this time, he wasn’t letting go.

_We’re gonna be alright_   
_We’re gonna be alright (ooh, baby)_   
_We’re gonna be alright_   
_We’re gonna be alright, yeah_

“I love you.” Philip said.

“I love you too.”

And sitting there in his arms, I knew for sure. We would be alright.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I’m done! I do plan on writing more for season 2, but I’m gonna start over and create a new work. I wanna thank everyone who read these. Your comments and kudos always make me so happy. They’re my motivation to keep going so thank you. Anyway, I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading these, and I look forward to writing more! :)


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